vaxjedi: (hex)
[personal profile] vaxjedi
Just a rant and a vent and a wallow...

It's late, and I can't sleep. I think I may be going through a bit of a mid-life crisis. Or maybe it is a PTSD crisis. Who knows? All I know is that I have been processing a lot lately, and still recovering from the trauma of the past decade. I guess I'll have to get used t the fact that dealing with a decade-long trauma is something that takes a lot of time to do.

I posted something on my G+ about it a few days ago: (publicly accessible so you don't have to log in). I'd realized the personal enormity of what I am trying to process, what I am trying to recover from. It is... daunting.

What my mind keeps coming back to is "This is not the life I want." I don't feel like I have a right to my own time, my own space, my own existence. So much of the last decade has been, for me, an exercise in sacrificing everything I was capable of sacrificing (and many times sacrificing what I was not capable of) that I can't even conceive, on my base emotional level, that I am allowed to have anything. Things for me feel like betrayal, like I am betraying my wife, my family and any other people I owe.

Wanting things for me feels... inappropriate. The idea of going out to do something without someone in the family feels incredibly selfish. Wanting things outside of what my family wants or needs feels... icky. Perverse almost, and not in the good way. I am seeing a therapist, and she has zeroed in on this, points out to me that this is 'non-sustainable'. That this is slowly grinding me down. Sort of glibly but not, she said, "That is gonna kill you."

I'd gotten so used to the thought that taking care of Miri was going to kill me, that the thought doesn't bother me as much as it should. In a way, I feel like I am already dead. Or at least living on borrowed time.

There it is again, the idea that my life does not belong to me. That it belongs to my family. Or to my job. Or something else. But not to me. I live for other people, live how they want to live, plan my life around their needs (or more often, what I think their needs are). I feel like me is more of an unwarranted interruption in my life than anything else.

How fucked up is that?

I keep finding myself yearning for the past. For living on my own in a simple one bedroom apartment. No yard, no pets, no mortgage - just me and my computer and a life that I could leave the house and engage in, or stay home and just be by myself. A life that was designed around my needs... I don't even know if that is possible anymore. I don't know if I know how to choose that, even if it was in any way compatible with my life as it is now.

I miss people. I have loved so many people. I used to think that was a good thing, that it was a strength, a gift, to love so much and so hard. But it doesn't feel like a gift anymore. I just have all these empty places in my heart. And I feel them all the time.

The person I loved for so long, but never had any right to love. The person who I loved so quickly and so hard that it shook me to my core but who was so erratic that I couldn't survive being around them. The person who I lost because I was young and afraid. The person that I lost because I was sick and broken. The person who I was ready to give everything but didn't want me. The person who I was never quite right for. The person with whom I meshed so well with that our strengths complemented each other and our weaknesses aggravated each other. The person whose path took them away from me despite the fact that every fiber of my being says they should be with me right now. The person I loved despite realizing that they'd never fit into my life no matter how much they wanted to. The person who is almost perfect for me but whose life is just elsewhere. The person who I never quite had, even when I had them. The one who was out of control and it killed them...

It goes on and on and on. They keep coming up in my mind. And I miss them all.

Is that what getting older is really about? Collecting regrets and could-have-beens? That feels so wrong. And yet, as I look forward, my future seems so... blank. Like there is nothing there.

On a certain level, I know this is just the ramblings of a depressed mind, and that a depressed mind does not see the world correctly. And yet, it still feels very very real. And final.

Date: 2014-05-18 03:10 pm (UTC)
ext_13495: (Just me)
From: [identity profile]
I was supposed to be taking a nap right now but instead my head started revisuting old drama and regrets. It's so hard to even stay in the now, when we have a chance to rest. Is it so surprising that it's even harder to see the open future before us?

And yet it is there.

Love and water my brother. Drink deep because I wish it, and may you understand it's ok when what you swallow is for you alone.
Edited Date: 2014-05-18 03:10 pm (UTC)

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