vaxjedi | Hrm....

I wonder about where I am, and wonder why I am not where I want to be.

I read about acquaintances and old friends in their journals and chatboards and IRC channels, etc. And I read about them doing things I want to do, being people I want to be. Even the people closest to me, like Eleri, or Ryan, or Chris and Dawn... I will see them doing things I want to do, I see traits in them that I want to have.

But I don't. And Im not sure entirely why. I mean, it occurs to me, but it always seems to remote or improbable. Or things just seem to happen more often when I am not there. I wonder if I am just partially blind to the world around me. Or just too scared of it - scared that if I step into it that I'll be shamed by it's power.

The black iron prison of low self-esteem, it seems. Some part of my mind says to me "you have to fail. That" the only way you can be safe."

I did some meditation last night, while I was waiting for Eleri to come to bed. I was trying to draw energy in and then flush it out through my body. It felt like something lifted away from my back and spine - like something had been stuck there and was lifted away. It felt like there was resistance, where strands of it were stuck and still holding on. I managed to push it away and I felt okay for a bit. My back didn't hurt, I wasnt exhausted or angry or depressed or helpless. My concentration slipped a bit and then all I felt was that my back was really sore. I got really oversensitive after that - it bothered me if Eleri was touching me as she slept, the sound from the dishwasher downstairs bothered me, the light seemed too bright, even in the near dark. Second night in a row I've ended up like that.

I wonder if I just sorta objectified my depression as that thing hanging onto my spine. Interesting how the mind expresses itself.