To the Undiscovered Country....
Nov. 13th, 2002 10:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediIt was an odd night. I don't know how this will sound. Maybe I will sound unhinged.
Eleri and I did last night what was essentially guided self-hypnosis, or light trancing, or whatever you want to call it. We used a lot of standard hypnosis-style visualizations (counting down while relaxing deeply, etc).
The first thing that struck me was that whenever Eleri counted me down, with each number that passed, there was a surge of euphoria - like finally I was relaxing. I remember smirking in a sleepy sort of way during the visualization.
The visualization itself is hard to explain. It was almost a spiritual experience using some of the metaphors I've cooked up for deity archetypes - the Jade Mother, the Ember Man, the Twins in Silk Robes, the Protean.
What struck me here is that at first, I had no anxiety about it at all. It seemed natural. Previous visualizations like this have always made me very anxious. It wasn't until later, when my mind seemed to wake up a little that I felt any anxiety. When I did, the small of my back started getting sore - like my anxiety was all held right there and was coming back. Interestingly enough, it's where I have always associated my second chakrah being when I do that sort of visualization. It almost feels like my secpond chakrah is messed up - if I can wedge it open, the energy can come through.
Anyway, the upshot of this is that today, I feel much more confident. The sort of malaise I usually feel isn't there at the moment. There has always been some gender dysphoria to it - like my body was the wrong gender and shape and the world was a dark place because I was unstuck from myself. I dont feel like that. Part of the visualization was decidedly... male? It;s sorta like I have accepted a mix of energies in me.
RIght now, I'm almost jittery, actually. Part of me is afraid of the feeling going away. Im afraid of somehow backsliding and then sinking into a mire of self-created failure. part of me is just confused - I don't really know what I feel. Part of me wants to just go to sleep and let the jitteriness pass.
I was reading a post on Janann's LJ aboyt a neurologist using precisely times electrical pulses to induce 'religious' experiences. Something about that resonates with me. Something about it scares me. The idea that we are reduced to mechanical processes disturbs me. It implies a baseness that I think is incorrect. The immense complexity of interlinked mechanical processes isn't all that different from the immergence of the Divine, in my opinion. Immergent principles from synergetic systems seems like the most awe-inspiring thing that I can think of. It's elegent too. I can believe in a God or Gods taht use that sort of mechanism. It implies sophistication.
I picked up a book called Undoing yourself. All I've read is the foreword, by Robert Anton Wilson. It's struck me as the most profund thign I've read in a long time. He points out that we are, in many ways, controlled by our biochemical interactions, that we are meat robots in so many ways. And that as human beings, we can't be anything else - we are built to have biochemical programs, that is how we operate.
However, it isn't a determinism. We can learn to reprogram ourselves, rewrite our own code. We are self-modifying systems, cybernetic in the truest sense.
But the profound bit is this - getting to taht point is hard work. And you have to work at it every day. You tend to become what you do every day. If you want to be depressed, go ahead and look at the world darkly every day and you'll get there. if you want to be a singer, you sing every day and eventually you'll pick up some skill at it. And if you want to program yourself, you need to do it every day. You may never be an expert, but you'll be the best at it on your block to say the least.
Stepping into taht world has always scared me. I guess I know it takes discipline, and I've never had it, personally, academically, financially, etc. I am afraid I'm going to fall down because I wasn't trying hard enough. Falling down otherwise doesn't bother me. But failing because I'm a slacker is my fault.
I feel like the Fool, walking off of the edge of cliff. I'm not sure which way to go. I kinda like the feelign Im having. There is hope there. I'm afraid what will happen when I come in contact with the things that vex me the most - finances, the kids, etc. I'm afraid that if I sleep, it'll just have been a dream.
It scares me, but I like this feeling. I want it to continue.
Eleri and I did last night what was essentially guided self-hypnosis, or light trancing, or whatever you want to call it. We used a lot of standard hypnosis-style visualizations (counting down while relaxing deeply, etc).
The first thing that struck me was that whenever Eleri counted me down, with each number that passed, there was a surge of euphoria - like finally I was relaxing. I remember smirking in a sleepy sort of way during the visualization.
The visualization itself is hard to explain. It was almost a spiritual experience using some of the metaphors I've cooked up for deity archetypes - the Jade Mother, the Ember Man, the Twins in Silk Robes, the Protean.
What struck me here is that at first, I had no anxiety about it at all. It seemed natural. Previous visualizations like this have always made me very anxious. It wasn't until later, when my mind seemed to wake up a little that I felt any anxiety. When I did, the small of my back started getting sore - like my anxiety was all held right there and was coming back. Interestingly enough, it's where I have always associated my second chakrah being when I do that sort of visualization. It almost feels like my secpond chakrah is messed up - if I can wedge it open, the energy can come through.
Anyway, the upshot of this is that today, I feel much more confident. The sort of malaise I usually feel isn't there at the moment. There has always been some gender dysphoria to it - like my body was the wrong gender and shape and the world was a dark place because I was unstuck from myself. I dont feel like that. Part of the visualization was decidedly... male? It;s sorta like I have accepted a mix of energies in me.
RIght now, I'm almost jittery, actually. Part of me is afraid of the feeling going away. Im afraid of somehow backsliding and then sinking into a mire of self-created failure. part of me is just confused - I don't really know what I feel. Part of me wants to just go to sleep and let the jitteriness pass.
I was reading a post on Janann's LJ aboyt a neurologist using precisely times electrical pulses to induce 'religious' experiences. Something about that resonates with me. Something about it scares me. The idea that we are reduced to mechanical processes disturbs me. It implies a baseness that I think is incorrect. The immense complexity of interlinked mechanical processes isn't all that different from the immergence of the Divine, in my opinion. Immergent principles from synergetic systems seems like the most awe-inspiring thing that I can think of. It's elegent too. I can believe in a God or Gods taht use that sort of mechanism. It implies sophistication.
I picked up a book called Undoing yourself. All I've read is the foreword, by Robert Anton Wilson. It's struck me as the most profund thign I've read in a long time. He points out that we are, in many ways, controlled by our biochemical interactions, that we are meat robots in so many ways. And that as human beings, we can't be anything else - we are built to have biochemical programs, that is how we operate.
However, it isn't a determinism. We can learn to reprogram ourselves, rewrite our own code. We are self-modifying systems, cybernetic in the truest sense.
But the profound bit is this - getting to taht point is hard work. And you have to work at it every day. You tend to become what you do every day. If you want to be depressed, go ahead and look at the world darkly every day and you'll get there. if you want to be a singer, you sing every day and eventually you'll pick up some skill at it. And if you want to program yourself, you need to do it every day. You may never be an expert, but you'll be the best at it on your block to say the least.
Stepping into taht world has always scared me. I guess I know it takes discipline, and I've never had it, personally, academically, financially, etc. I am afraid I'm going to fall down because I wasn't trying hard enough. Falling down otherwise doesn't bother me. But failing because I'm a slacker is my fault.
I feel like the Fool, walking off of the edge of cliff. I'm not sure which way to go. I kinda like the feelign Im having. There is hope there. I'm afraid what will happen when I come in contact with the things that vex me the most - finances, the kids, etc. I'm afraid that if I sleep, it'll just have been a dream.
It scares me, but I like this feeling. I want it to continue.
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no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 12:09 pm (UTC)I love you, my Poet.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-13 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-14 04:17 am (UTC)By the way, I find cognitive science and neurological discoveries fascinating, utterly fascinating. Everything those scientists discover contribute to the mysterious reality we call consciousness. It's not that the "God-state" is or can be reduced to mere physical states. It's rather that matter at some point evolved to the point of consciousness in the first place that is so incredible. The fact that we in this 3D-matter world can manipulate this matter is almost irrelevant, in the grand scheme of things. What matters is the fact that somehow in this material universe the spark of the invisible flame has burst and kept aflame inside frames of solid mass. How is that possible? That is the wonder. That is the mystery of the universe.