(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

I've been very tired lately. Very very depressed. So much that I have been losing the motivation to even walk down the street. I've even stopped caring about if the people in my family are mad at me or not. That's a lot for me.

Eleri and i went out the last few nights. I feel guilty about that. Sorta. I always feel guilty when i go out, becuase it usually means that Chris has to stay home and watch the kids. But, each of the last nights, Chris was given the option of going and said no. So I guess it is his own fault. I still feel kinda guilty tho. At the same time, I really wanted to go out. This parent gig is wearing on me a bit.

So I went to the munch and flirted with Ellen. That brightened me up. Then we hung out with the pirates at Rogue's Keep. That brightened me too. Though it was interesting to see how all the guys ended up playing card games and all the women sat around and talked about sex. I kinda wished I was in the other group. But as a guy, it would have been different if I was there. More evidence that I was born the wrong gender.

I like all the people at the Keep, for numerous definitions of 'like'. But I never have anything to say. I feel pretty boring compared to them. Yay inadequicy issues.

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I really needed that vacation. But it was not the vacation I needed. I needed not to be ill for large portions of my vacation. I needed to see Janelle. I needed more time alone with Eleri sans baby. I needed more time alone on the streets.

I discovered that you can't feel the energy in a street if you are driving in a car on it. In a car, you are riding the wave, but you can't feel it. It's like you are a photon, you are the beam of light. But when you are walking, you can observe the beam of light, bend it, examine it.

An street shaman has to walk the streets to hear the spirits. I need to get back to that as well.

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Are my spiritual feelings/callings/views really that far out there? I never find people who have even close to this combination. Kinda lonely in some ways.

There are people called OtherKin They feel their spirits were once not human. Elves, satyrs, dragons, etc. in past lives. Just reborn in human form. Sort of transspirited, like some people are transgendered.

I feel that way, but not past lives. Future lives. Like I will be something unhuman in my next life. They are mythic spirits from the past. I am a mythic spirit from the future. My race doesn't exist yet.

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I've read a few people's LJ posts about hypnosis play. Wow, that has an affect on me. Onthe bottom side, to be hypnotised and convinced that I am something different than I am - something impossible. Wow, that really makes me hot. I could really let loose that way.

Not just genderbending. Though that has a profound effect on me. It just makes me really uncomfortable at the same time. Too close, too vulnerable. Too easy to be just another goofy weirdo that people think is a sad human being.

But the impossible. I have impossible fantasies. Different bodies, different worlds, laws of physics. To believe, even just for a moment. That would be....heaven.

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I am out of practice at so many things. Talking to people, sex, gamemastering, role-playing, programming. How to catch up?

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More later.

Comments

[eleri.livejournal.com]

I've read a few people's LJ posts about hypnosis play. Wow, that has an affect on me. Onthe bottom side, to be hypnotised and convinced that I am something different than I am - something impossible. Wow, that really makes me hot. I could really let loose that way.

Not just genderbending. Though that has a profound effect on me. It just makes me really uncomfortable at the same time. Too close, too vulnerable. Too easy to be just another goofy weirdo that people think is a sad human being.

Ms. Cymon was talking to me and William last night while you we talking to Ellen. She's doing some hypnosis work with someone, that I think you would find very facinating. We'll talk about it when you get home.