vaxjedi | (no subject) (Reply)

It's been very long the last few days.

I blew up like I never really have before. Over a small thing too. It left me shaking for days. It reminded me of my father. Like I had finally pierced the veil to my dark side and found my father staring back at me.

I don't want to go there again. I much prefer being quiet and laid back and easy going. Even if I get stepped on.

I'm flirting with this woman at work. I've admired her since I got on the Adobe team, but never talked to her except starting a few weeks ago. In some ways we are very similar. In some ways we are very different. I guess that is the way of things. I don't know where we are going, if anywhere.

I restrain myself in many ways, as what she seems to want is incompatible with my lifestyle. At the same time, she doesn't have her ideas set in stone. But still, I restrain myself. I don't want to push too hard, fall too fast, promise things I can give or ask for things I can't have. The start of conservatism is having something to lose, isn't it? Maybe I'm growing old finally. Maybe I'm growing up finally. I dunno.

I can't tell who I am unless I find a mirror. Is that a flaw?

I am getting some old feelings back. Feelings of place, of confidence. I want to write more stories. I want to make a personalized Tarot deck, with the Players in my head. That is where I was originally going with it.

I want to codify part of how I believe. If for no other reason to have built something. Better than stamp collecting, don't you think?

Ellen (the woman I am flirting with) saod she asked her boyfriend what he wanted to do with his life. He said, "I want to make worlds."

That's how I feel.

I am a goddess worshipper. I don't quite grok men yet. But I grok women. I respect women. I desire them. I admire them. I have many goddesses. Eleri, Carmen, Jenn, Rabbit, Sabrina, Fir, Ellie, Charlie, Tommi, Kenna, Kate, Claudia, Janann, Anne, Marie, Kirsten, Janelle, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah (I've known a lot of Sarahs), Melanie, Erika, Michelle, Brooke, Betsy, Talea, Patricia, Rikhei, Kathy, Nada, Jordan....more who I have no name for, just images, or pseudonyms, or voices.
That's just some of them, off the top of my head. Some I worship with my hands and my mouth. Some I wrship with my eyes. Some I worship with just my words or even just my thoughts. My pantheon. And I have room for many more.

Gotta have faith, ya know?