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Aug. 18th, 2003 09:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediOn small people and small worlds...
So on the semi-esteemed Grinnell Plans Server, I made the mistake of doing a search on my plans name and found a couple of jokers taking pot shots at me because of Sinnish. Nothing overt, but definitely jeers.
And I was furious. So much so that I had to stop work for a bit. It was like the response I have to people taking shots at the Back Table, but more so. The Sinnish project has been so close to me that it hurt really badly - it's one of the few things that is purely of me and for me.
But as I thought, I realized that nothing I could say or do would ever get through to these yahoos - I could neither express how hurt I was and have them understand nor could I do anything that wouldn't be jsut mre fodder for their amusement. I posted a little something on my plan what was directed at them, but was just for me. But in all of this, I've remembered something.
These people just don't matter.
People like this are a dime a dozen - I've encountered a bunch. Small minds attacking others in small ways so they feel a little bit better. And the saddest thing is they don't realize they are doing it. They are cogs in the millstone that grinds people down. They are prime examples of Reich's emotional plague.
I remembered something I wrote a while back: I may be a freak. I may be a mess. I may be poor. I may be fat. I may be a slob. I may be a nerd. But I'm not an asshole.
And I have begun to see that these people don't exist in the same universe I do. They are just inexplicable things that leave wakes in my world. The jerks online, the schmucks at work, all of them.
I used to think that I was without self, that I didn't really exist, because my universe seemed so fluid until I interracted with other people. But I've begun to realize that I exist very definitively - it's just that there are a lot of parts of the rest of the world that exist in places where my universe does not.
For instance, I rarely see people be 'bitchy' at others or me. Often, I find after the fact that the person was being bitchy, or passive-aggressive, or needy, or whathaveyou. Now, I don't think of myself as unobservant. But these considerations just don't seem that important to me a lot of the time - so I don't see them. And they don't affect me too much unless someone points them out to me. They don't really exist for me.
And that's part of the problem I've been having. A lot of the things in the world around me keep pointing to where they think parts of me are - and I'm not there. Somehow, I got convinced that that means I'm not there at all. The truth is, I'm just rotated 15 degrees to the left.
So I am trying to remember who I am. And be proud of it. Be proud of being geeky, slutty, mystic, polyamourous, polygendered, kinky, freaky, and just plain weird.
And on other days it just rains.
So on the semi-esteemed Grinnell Plans Server, I made the mistake of doing a search on my plans name and found a couple of jokers taking pot shots at me because of Sinnish. Nothing overt, but definitely jeers.
And I was furious. So much so that I had to stop work for a bit. It was like the response I have to people taking shots at the Back Table, but more so. The Sinnish project has been so close to me that it hurt really badly - it's one of the few things that is purely of me and for me.
But as I thought, I realized that nothing I could say or do would ever get through to these yahoos - I could neither express how hurt I was and have them understand nor could I do anything that wouldn't be jsut mre fodder for their amusement. I posted a little something on my plan what was directed at them, but was just for me. But in all of this, I've remembered something.
These people just don't matter.
People like this are a dime a dozen - I've encountered a bunch. Small minds attacking others in small ways so they feel a little bit better. And the saddest thing is they don't realize they are doing it. They are cogs in the millstone that grinds people down. They are prime examples of Reich's emotional plague.
I remembered something I wrote a while back: I may be a freak. I may be a mess. I may be poor. I may be fat. I may be a slob. I may be a nerd. But I'm not an asshole.
And I have begun to see that these people don't exist in the same universe I do. They are just inexplicable things that leave wakes in my world. The jerks online, the schmucks at work, all of them.
I used to think that I was without self, that I didn't really exist, because my universe seemed so fluid until I interracted with other people. But I've begun to realize that I exist very definitively - it's just that there are a lot of parts of the rest of the world that exist in places where my universe does not.
For instance, I rarely see people be 'bitchy' at others or me. Often, I find after the fact that the person was being bitchy, or passive-aggressive, or needy, or whathaveyou. Now, I don't think of myself as unobservant. But these considerations just don't seem that important to me a lot of the time - so I don't see them. And they don't affect me too much unless someone points them out to me. They don't really exist for me.
And that's part of the problem I've been having. A lot of the things in the world around me keep pointing to where they think parts of me are - and I'm not there. Somehow, I got convinced that that means I'm not there at all. The truth is, I'm just rotated 15 degrees to the left.
So I am trying to remember who I am. And be proud of it. Be proud of being geeky, slutty, mystic, polyamourous, polygendered, kinky, freaky, and just plain weird.
And on other days it just rains.
