vaxjedi | (no subject) (Reply)

Mousie and Eleri are at a sleep study, to see if Mousie has sleep apnea or otrher sleep issues. Miri was surprisingly calm when the tech was putting all of the wires and stuff on her. At least, as far as I know having left to go home.

I cleaned up a bit then got distracted....

So I looked at my LJ. The first post on here from me is July of 2001. That seems so long ago. Mousie was just 1 year old, and we have little to no idea of what was wrong with her. I was still on the Dell team at work, and I was miserable constantly. It was before 9/11. So much has changed.

yet, not much has changed. My depression is the same - some of my first posts look like they could have been made yesterday - low self-esteem, my fixation on sexuality, gender issues, crashing at DarkLady parties, feeling lonely, feeling like I have no sense of identity, wanting to be a 'good dom'. Etc Etc.

I wonder don't I ever change? Don't I ever get better? I just don't know.

As a weird sort of exercise, I collected a bunch of quotes from my LJ over the years.

And I insist that my heart is infinite in size and capability.

Hi, I'm Scott. And I have emotional AIDS.

The Tao is the Tao. To say anything else is to misunderstand the Tao. ;)

Sure, I like fucking people. But why we are fucking makes me hotter than how.

So what did you do this weekend?"
"Watched my wife get fucked by a dentist chair."

I am Blind Energy. I do not see my power.

Sins of the flesh don't exist. We were made to be machines of joy. It is one of our myriad of purposes and potentials.

I still believe in love. It doesn't conquer all. But it's the best monarch to serve.

Isn't amazing how much fear can dominate our lives? My life?

Love does not conquer all - love is all.

But light is light. Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindi, Pagan, Satanist, Taoist, Confuscian, Ba'hai, etc. Whatever the color, light is light. Holy is as holy does.

Thank you for giving me a reason to live.
For each, individual, unique reason.

Unfortunately, after the breakdown at the beginning of my second year, college ceased to be primarily about learning - it was about survival.

I am Fallen. A prophet without a voice.

For it is Good that I really care about, not God.

We are not one people. We cannot be one people. People were not meant to be one people. They were meant to be many peoples.

"But you are not without resources. You are surrounded by a feast. But you must eat."

I am afraid I won't be strong enough to keep you. So I want to work on that. To be strong so I can feel you in my grasp.

Yeah I am a disciple of Eris. But Eris is a theological slut. She doesn't mind if you worship around.

I want them to have the opportunities I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?

You don't stand a chance against my prayer.

Yes, we are being herded. We are being lied to. We are being manipulated.
We've always been.

This is the world we live in, where Rat, Cockroach, Dog, Cat and Spider share with Subway Car, Computer, Car and Streetlight.

I am a vigilante lover. I love because it is the right thing to do. I love every time I have the opportunity. I love by any means necessary.

It wears me thin. But I must remember the words of St. McMacken: "They don't pay me enough to be unhappy."

God is Love. Love is God. And to love is to manifest God into the world. Making love is making God

So, if you do not like what you see here, you are invited not to return.

But sometimes, I just need to fade away.

Nothing really I am pointing out here, though I see the obvious trends.

So I am up far too late once again. And I need to go to bed now.
(And I must have ended my posts over the years with some variation of the above every 1 out of 3 times)