vaxjedi | (no subject)

It started out as a good evening...

eleri and I went to the Wednesday BDSM munch while

ryoganox watched the Mouse. We ran into

galeogirl there. Talked to people a bit. I even socialized, vaguely. No panics or anything!

Then we went to the local Fantasy video and browsed and picked up a toy and some porn. We went to Applebee's and munched on appetizers and desserts. We chatted. We talked. We laughed. We flirted. I was reminded how incredibly I love my wife. It was good to be with her.

We got home and had really good sex with Ryan and watched one of the porns (actually Nina Hartley's Guide to Alternative Lifestyles, which I was supposed to return today and completely forgot this morning).

After Ryan left, we got into a fight. And it's really my fault. I wanted to move Mousie off of the bed so both Eleri and I had room. That woke up Miri and things degenerated from there. Eventually I ended up in bed with Miri and Eleri crashed on Mousie's bed - pretty much the same arrangement Eleri suggested before I generated the fight.

I started off with good intentions - I didn't want Eleri to have to give up her bed. But I just got lost in my frustration and helplessness. I can't seem to help Miri or Eleri very much. I can't seem to do much but add to Eleri's burden.

I have to admit that I am much farther past my limits than I'd like to think. I keep trying to be the strong one, trying to make decisions and take care of things so Eleri can get some sort of break. But what I am doing doesn't really seem to be helping her or me. I'm jsut getting frustrated and taking it out on Eleri. That's not fair to her at all.

I'm lost. I'm not sure what to do. Miri is really more than the two of us can handle. Even just breaks from Miri aren't helping anymore, as the weight just returns as soon as we get back.

And, Eleri, I know you deal with this much more than I do. I know I don't fully understand it because I'm not in the thick of it every day like you are. I want to help. I want to do good by you, for you. I love you very much.

I dunno. I am just rambling.