(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

A little bit of self-pity

When I meet a nw ew person, I often have the urge to sit them down and tell them all of the bad things about my life. Like a full disclosure agreement, so they know what they are getting into. That way, I don't feel like I am somehow deceiving them.

I'm afraid to get closer to people because of the chaos in my life and the problems we have. I know Eleri feels similar. It's difficult, in good faith, to say "Hey be a part of my life and everything will be better" when it feels like there are these things in the closet that are going to jump out on the unwary.

"Wow, we work great together and we are committed to each other and love is really all you need... ohbytheway my daughter has us both exhausted, so can you watch her on friday? and could we get you to take her to the doctor on Tuesday when I'm at work? And could we borrow a little bit for diapers, we're short this month? Oh, and we need some help cleaning up our apartment since we just don't have the skills or energy to do it? Thanx. Oh yeah, I love you."

It feels like a bait and switch. In some ways, I feel like we've done that to Ryan and Jenn - "Come move to Oregon it will be great! Please help take care of us?"

So I feel like I want some sort of disclaimer form - please sign here indicating you acknowledge all of the shit you're going to have to deal with by being involved or a friend with me. *sigh* That's not anything to build a relationship off of.

I have some of the same fears that Eleri has. I can't shake the feeling if I were just a better person - more organized, more diligent, more ambitious - that I'd be better at being a parent and a husband. I'd be bringing home more money. I could help out more at home. I could keep the apartment cleaner, clean up after myself more. Pay more attention to Miri, be able to take her out to parks and playgrounds without the overwhelming feeling and paranoia that she's going to get hurt because I don't have the focus to keep up, or that she'll ruin things for other people. Be more of a parent for Kristopher and Corri.

A lot of days, I just don't feel I have the temperment or skills to be a good parent. I try. And I love Miri to bits. I love Kris and Corri. But I always feel like I'm failing them.

And I try to push myself to be more for them, and for Eleri. And I get all motivated to clean the kitchen up to the point we can actually use it to cook a meal instead of just microwaving something. And I get all motivated to take Miri out to the playground. Or spend time snuggling with Eleri. And I just end up never finishing. Or just wanting to curl into a ball and sleep until I forget about the world. Or just stare at the computer hoping something will strike my fancy.

*sigh* I know that I have been down in the last week. Significantly. So my point of view is probably skewed. But it just feels like I can't progress and can't keep up.

Maybe after a few days, I'll feel better. Eleri says I am PMSing - I seem to do that for some reason.

Comments

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

Love, I think you're likely being too hard on yourself. All of your goals are really huge projects - that's awfully intimidating. And even your day-to-day basic stuff is overwhelming. It's no wonder you're having such a hard time keeping up.

Usaze, love >>tight hugs<<

[gax.livejournal.com]

You haven't taken me up on my help, and I've OFFERED. USE ME. ;)

[shangchi.livejournal.com]

*Notice of disclosure duly noted*

*HUG*

;-)

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Pfshaw, ambition. I'm still not convinced that's a positive human trait.

*HUG* Even the most dedicated worker needs rest. You and Eleri need time to recharge. There's no other way to accomplish what you both hold yourselves to doing as a matter of course.