vaxjedi | Finally, a post... (Reply)

Update

I haven't posted much on here lately. I haven't had a huge amount to say that I haven't said before. I've been a bit dry, creatively speaking as well. I'm going to take an idea from a friend and just make a post by subject.

Miri. Miri is, as always, a large part of my life. She's still progressing. But in some ways, she's getting worse. As she's gotten older, her mood swings have gotten more violent. And as she develops physically, she has become more of a danger. I am sporting a bite mark from Monday with a bruise about the size of my fist. And scratch on my forehead where she tried to scalp me with her teeth. We are looking at finding a place that can take Miri for a week or so while we rest. The doctors are thinking that some of her behavior issues may be seizure related. They may be checking on that. We have a few weekends of respite coming up (

jennkitty takes her this weekend and

kiddarian takes her the weekend after that), so I think that is going to help a lot.

Work. Work is working out pretty well. It's nice to be treated like a human being by one's employer. I guess I didn't realize how much I was treated badly by Stream, until I had another situation to compare it to. I have a 90-day review coming up. I think the only issue that might come up is attendence - Miri has been keeping me out a few days so far. However, I did mention it during the interview. But, I don't have vacation or holiday pay yet. So all of my checks have been short lately.

Relationships. My relationship with Eleri goes very well. Our interaction reminds me every day why I married her. There have been a number of rough spots, but I have realized they have almost never been about Eleri and I, but about external (to the relationship anyway) stresses. I don't have any other official relationships. I have one I really want - and she's relatively local - but she may not be free to pursue it as a Relationship. I have one or two off and on things with people very far away, and a few people who seem to have forgotten I exist. I guess I was spoiled in college - I was so used to many lovers and loved ones that I feel kinda lonely now. Like I said, it's kinda silly. I always wanted a poly family. Specifically one where I was romantically involved with all the people in it. I wanted that intimate connection with those people who lived with me. I am not confident in it happening - with Miri, our finances and our inability to keep house, it feels like we'd be a liability to anyone who was interested. But I can dream.

Mental Health. I'm still taking anti-depressants. I think they are helping a lot. I don't get into the deep deep hopeless depressions like I used to. Nor do I have the same social anxiety issues - I'm still shy and uncomfortable, but it isn't that bone-crushing panic or pressure anymore. I'm even looking forward to Darklady parties and such. I am showing signs of exhaustion, however. A lot of spaciness and fatigue. I have a shorter temper than I usually do lately. I just need rest to deal with that, I think.

Spirituality. I'm feeling more connected to my spirituality, though I am still not entirely sure what it is. The Rapture tradition still sounds right to me as I have written it, but I am having trouble with the exoteric expression of it. I have a feeling of it in my head and heart once again. But I don't know how to express it. Ritual feels too forced to me. But I need some sort of specifically religious expression, otherwise I feel like I'm bottled up inside. I am still flailing about for what I need.

Well, that's it for now. I'm starting to space off again ;)