More to say...

[vaxjedi]

I have a lot to say this evening. This is about my daughter, Mirriam (a.k.a. Mousie)



I love my daughter dearly. I don't know how to express it - honestly love that doesn't have a sexual component to it is sort of an alien concept. So I don't know what to do with this.

Mouse has problems. She's too small. Her head is way too small. Her development is behind.

I seem to take a lot of this pretty well. This is only because I don't allow myself to think about it. Because if I did, I would go irrevocably insane. Even now, I'm kinda skirting the edges of it in my mind.

The fact is I have two fears that scare me beyond belief with Mousie.

One is that I will not be able to communicate with her. I've noticed that I need to talk to people. I can't really focus on a person if I can't communicate with them. Like people who do not speak English. The inability to communicate clearly and in a sophisticated manner with them if incredibly uncomfortable. They simply tend to slide right out of my mind, because without that interaction, they simply don't seem real. I've had the same problem with people with severe speech impediments, hearing problems or just incedibly thick accents. The fact that I cannot communicate with them drives me batty and I have to edit them out of my attention or be driven mad by it. The idea that my beautiful little girl might end up like that just... I can't even contemplate it.

The second fear is that she'll become an invalid. That I will not be able to raise her and let her go into her own life. This fear comes in two parts - one is the idea that her life will be one of mere existence (like my grandmother's in her nursing home) is too much. The other is the fear that I'll never have a respite from taking care of her. I look forward to her getting older. With Corri and Kristopher, I can say "Hey, I feel bad, I'm gonna lay down." If Mousie requires constant care, I won't be able to do that without finding someone to take care of her. I just want my daughter to have a life of her own. And I want a life of my own.

I keep quiet about this all. Not because I don't care. But because if I go down that road to far, I will come back permanently broken.

Comments

[meglimir.livejournal.com]

Mousie is a sweetie, and you're a good Dad. From the few times I've seen y'all together, I think you're communicating well for what she needs now. She obviously feels you love her and loves you too! Just keep talking to her even if she doesn't talk back in English. It may take longer than you'd wish but you'll eventually be comfortable with her "nonverbals" or "accent" and the communication flow will become easier.

Learning to understand "people with accents or speech impediments" is hard because each person is different, and you have to learn enough patterns to cover a wide range of variations. This is just one person, and you'll only have to learn her own special variations.

*hugs and good thoughts*

PS. I think she's already beyond "mere existance" - she's a great kid!

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with this. It's surprising how much you can communicate with someone even if they supposedly don't understand. Language is a great tool -- but sometimes you need to hunker down and write in machine code. ;-)