It's so hard to talk...
Sep. 1st, 2002 12:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediThree times now I've tried to write up posts on my Visor. Each time something happened. First I managed to delete my post entirely. The other two times, I just ran out of time to write anything effective.
So I'm gonna core dump now while I actually have some time at a keyboard.
I just got done watching Independence Day. Hadn't seen it since it first came out.
There is a scene fron New York when the great big alien ships are positioning themselves over the Empire State Building. Everyone is getting out of their cars and custering into groups, looking up into the sky. I saw that scene just recently, when I was watching footage from around the WTC when the planes hit. Same sort of people. Same looks. I n
Amazing how art can effect one, isn't it?
It's been a stressful weekend. I've been blowing up at Eleri for days. I don't know when me blowing up in anger became so commonplace for me. Maybe it's the stress level. I don't sleep much anymore. Neither does Eleri. I get up early to get to work and she sleeps lightly, so Mousie wakes her up all of the time. It's really starting to take it's toll, with all of the other stresses piled on top of it.
Walking the emotional and political tightrope that is my household is wearing me out. I think I can begin to understand what negotiators in places like the Middle East and Kashmir must feel like. Everyone has their own needs and expectations and requirements. And I'm trying to keep it from turning into an all out war. I feel like Neville Chamberlain, desperately trying to achieve Peace In Our TimeTM.
I used to view this house as a family. I can't see it as that any longer. We do not behave like a family. We share resources and responsibilities, but out of need now, as opposed to inclination. I know there are people out there in Portland who look at us as a sort of role-model - actual poly people in a group living situation. But we are just as fucked up as everyone else. In fact, we are pretty dysfunctional. In a lot of ways, the only reason we still exist as a household is because doing otherwise would cause too much damage.
I guess I have become jaded. I like everyone in the house. But the house just limps along.
And all I can do is try to minimize the damage on all sides, keep us going for another few months in the hope that something will come along that will fix something. Of course, if I would just stop doing things liek slamming into the back of cars, things would be a little better. Yeah, I know that is self-indulgent pity. But I'm allowing myself some right now.
This is the sort of thing that really shakes my faith. The recent deaths really really hit me hard. But you sort of expect people to die at some point - that's part of the natural order. Nothing can be done once it happens but to continue living. Continued suffering, even as minor as this is in the grand scheme of things, that's just wrong. This is no death camp or starving ghetto or anything, but it still detracts.
You see, my faith was based around the idea that life was meant to be good. Bad times happened, death happened, etc. But in general, the point of life was to be good. People were meant to glow.
I guess that's woefully naive. "Life is pain; anyone who says any different is selling something."
It makes sense. There are so many diverse views out there and there must be differences. That leads to conflict. That leads to pain.
It's disheartening. Everything requires not just thought and consideration, but strategy and misdirection. At some point, you have to make a call that involves screwing someone else over, or being cruel in the vain hope that it is actually a kindness.
Parenting is like that. You never know if being firm is actually teaching the kid something, or just scarring them. Or even both. They lash out. Do you ignore them, hoping to teach them that that sort of thing is unacceptable? But do they learn from that that their pain isn't important? Do you punish them? Or does that teach them that they are bad people, always doomed to fuck up? Do you comfort them? Or does that teach them that people can be manipulated by throwing a fit?
I don't know when I am helping my children or fucking them up. I don't think any parent can truly tell. And people wonder why kids are so fucked up.
I just try to remember the words of G'Quan. And the Illuminati Motto. And dozens of other mantras. Remember that I am depressed. And that makes the world seem dark. Cling to the good things in life, like seeing Eleri smile, and holding Mousie, and cheese fries at the Outback, and writing code that works.
Gotta remember. Gotta see. Gotta keep going. Can't give up.
On a bright note, Mousie's speech has been coming along. She said a whole phrase in speech therapy the other day! nd the sounds that she is making are more complex. It looks like the tubes that were put in her ears to drain out fluid have improved her hearing, and thus her speech is improving.
It's so nice that something is going right with her health.
Jade Mother, rock me while I sleep.
Jade Mother, hold me while I weep.
A friend of ours showed us the pics from a bondage photoshoot she'd done with another person we know. My reaction was not what I expected. It was to run away.
I wasn't freaked. I was just... shamed? It's a world I want to be a part of, but cannot for some unknown reason. I blow a circuit around it, like my system cannot handle the load.
There is a voice in my head that points out that I didn't have this problem as much when I didn't worry about it all of the time. It's like flying, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss, but you just have to not be paying attention. It's very Taoist. I try too hard. I worry too much about what I want that I can't figure out what I want.
It's such an easy thing to say, isn't it? "Don't worry. Be happy." Why is it such a difficult thing to do? And yes, I understand that everyone asks that at some point.
I've noticed that my typing skills have gone to pot over the last few years. I'm constantly forgetting apostrophes, not captializing, etc. The worst think is getting the keystrokes in the right order. I almost always type "teh" instead of "the" and "taht" instead of "that".
Minor on the disability list, I grant. But I have noticed it.
I always wonder what people think when they read these posts. I mean, I put them up for people to read - posting on LJ is pointless if you do not want your posts to be seen, really.
But I always wonder, how much of a loser do I look like?
There are people out there who do reviews of people's journals. That really disturbs me - let's rate someone's life and how they express it. Let's see, I don't post very often because my life won't let me - well, that's a point off. I am pretty depressive - well, that's not very entertaining and not particularly unique on the Internet, gotta mark you down for that.
I realize that the people who get reviewed ask to be so. But it still really disturbs me.
Do not read this sentence.
You bastard.
I'm tired and I'm getting punchdrunk. I don't want to sleep though. What I really want to do is drink lots of soda and stay awake. But I have things to do tomorrow.
I honestly don't consider myself a Discordian anymore. None of it seems funny anymore.
You see, there are those who get it and those who don't. And if that statement doesn't make sense, you are in the latter.
I'm not sure I get it anymore. Maybe I never did. Maybe Discordianism wasn't about finding laughter because it was a joy (as I thought it was), but jsut laughing because it was better than crying. That made sense to me once too. Now, I just wanna be quiet all of the time.
I've discovered that I need slience and solitude from time to time. I need time with my own thoughts. Some time is vital to my sanity. I feel bad ever time I ask for time to myself. It kicks off such a long line of inconveniences and problems for everyone else.
I gotta go to bed. Headache and fatigue.
I keep meaning to express happiness on here. My life isn't all pain, really. it jsut seems that the pain sensors in my brain are wired directly into the communication section. When I'm happy, I don't talk as much.
Just tired I guess. Will sleep now.
So I'm gonna core dump now while I actually have some time at a keyboard.
I just got done watching Independence Day. Hadn't seen it since it first came out.
There is a scene fron New York when the great big alien ships are positioning themselves over the Empire State Building. Everyone is getting out of their cars and custering into groups, looking up into the sky. I saw that scene just recently, when I was watching footage from around the WTC when the planes hit. Same sort of people. Same looks. I n
Amazing how art can effect one, isn't it?
It's been a stressful weekend. I've been blowing up at Eleri for days. I don't know when me blowing up in anger became so commonplace for me. Maybe it's the stress level. I don't sleep much anymore. Neither does Eleri. I get up early to get to work and she sleeps lightly, so Mousie wakes her up all of the time. It's really starting to take it's toll, with all of the other stresses piled on top of it.
Walking the emotional and political tightrope that is my household is wearing me out. I think I can begin to understand what negotiators in places like the Middle East and Kashmir must feel like. Everyone has their own needs and expectations and requirements. And I'm trying to keep it from turning into an all out war. I feel like Neville Chamberlain, desperately trying to achieve Peace In Our TimeTM.
I used to view this house as a family. I can't see it as that any longer. We do not behave like a family. We share resources and responsibilities, but out of need now, as opposed to inclination. I know there are people out there in Portland who look at us as a sort of role-model - actual poly people in a group living situation. But we are just as fucked up as everyone else. In fact, we are pretty dysfunctional. In a lot of ways, the only reason we still exist as a household is because doing otherwise would cause too much damage.
I guess I have become jaded. I like everyone in the house. But the house just limps along.
And all I can do is try to minimize the damage on all sides, keep us going for another few months in the hope that something will come along that will fix something. Of course, if I would just stop doing things liek slamming into the back of cars, things would be a little better. Yeah, I know that is self-indulgent pity. But I'm allowing myself some right now.
This is the sort of thing that really shakes my faith. The recent deaths really really hit me hard. But you sort of expect people to die at some point - that's part of the natural order. Nothing can be done once it happens but to continue living. Continued suffering, even as minor as this is in the grand scheme of things, that's just wrong. This is no death camp or starving ghetto or anything, but it still detracts.
You see, my faith was based around the idea that life was meant to be good. Bad times happened, death happened, etc. But in general, the point of life was to be good. People were meant to glow.
I guess that's woefully naive. "Life is pain; anyone who says any different is selling something."
It makes sense. There are so many diverse views out there and there must be differences. That leads to conflict. That leads to pain.
It's disheartening. Everything requires not just thought and consideration, but strategy and misdirection. At some point, you have to make a call that involves screwing someone else over, or being cruel in the vain hope that it is actually a kindness.
Parenting is like that. You never know if being firm is actually teaching the kid something, or just scarring them. Or even both. They lash out. Do you ignore them, hoping to teach them that that sort of thing is unacceptable? But do they learn from that that their pain isn't important? Do you punish them? Or does that teach them that they are bad people, always doomed to fuck up? Do you comfort them? Or does that teach them that people can be manipulated by throwing a fit?
I don't know when I am helping my children or fucking them up. I don't think any parent can truly tell. And people wonder why kids are so fucked up.
I just try to remember the words of G'Quan. And the Illuminati Motto. And dozens of other mantras. Remember that I am depressed. And that makes the world seem dark. Cling to the good things in life, like seeing Eleri smile, and holding Mousie, and cheese fries at the Outback, and writing code that works.
Gotta remember. Gotta see. Gotta keep going. Can't give up.
On a bright note, Mousie's speech has been coming along. She said a whole phrase in speech therapy the other day! nd the sounds that she is making are more complex. It looks like the tubes that were put in her ears to drain out fluid have improved her hearing, and thus her speech is improving.
It's so nice that something is going right with her health.
Jade Mother, rock me while I sleep.
Jade Mother, hold me while I weep.
A friend of ours showed us the pics from a bondage photoshoot she'd done with another person we know. My reaction was not what I expected. It was to run away.
I wasn't freaked. I was just... shamed? It's a world I want to be a part of, but cannot for some unknown reason. I blow a circuit around it, like my system cannot handle the load.
There is a voice in my head that points out that I didn't have this problem as much when I didn't worry about it all of the time. It's like flying, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss, but you just have to not be paying attention. It's very Taoist. I try too hard. I worry too much about what I want that I can't figure out what I want.
It's such an easy thing to say, isn't it? "Don't worry. Be happy." Why is it such a difficult thing to do? And yes, I understand that everyone asks that at some point.
I've noticed that my typing skills have gone to pot over the last few years. I'm constantly forgetting apostrophes, not captializing, etc. The worst think is getting the keystrokes in the right order. I almost always type "teh" instead of "the" and "taht" instead of "that".
Minor on the disability list, I grant. But I have noticed it.
I always wonder what people think when they read these posts. I mean, I put them up for people to read - posting on LJ is pointless if you do not want your posts to be seen, really.
But I always wonder, how much of a loser do I look like?
There are people out there who do reviews of people's journals. That really disturbs me - let's rate someone's life and how they express it. Let's see, I don't post very often because my life won't let me - well, that's a point off. I am pretty depressive - well, that's not very entertaining and not particularly unique on the Internet, gotta mark you down for that.
I realize that the people who get reviewed ask to be so. But it still really disturbs me.
Do not read this sentence.
You bastard.
I'm tired and I'm getting punchdrunk. I don't want to sleep though. What I really want to do is drink lots of soda and stay awake. But I have things to do tomorrow.
I honestly don't consider myself a Discordian anymore. None of it seems funny anymore.
You see, there are those who get it and those who don't. And if that statement doesn't make sense, you are in the latter.
I'm not sure I get it anymore. Maybe I never did. Maybe Discordianism wasn't about finding laughter because it was a joy (as I thought it was), but jsut laughing because it was better than crying. That made sense to me once too. Now, I just wanna be quiet all of the time.
I've discovered that I need slience and solitude from time to time. I need time with my own thoughts. Some time is vital to my sanity. I feel bad ever time I ask for time to myself. It kicks off such a long line of inconveniences and problems for everyone else.
I gotta go to bed. Headache and fatigue.
I keep meaning to express happiness on here. My life isn't all pain, really. it jsut seems that the pain sensors in my brain are wired directly into the communication section. When I'm happy, I don't talk as much.
Just tired I guess. Will sleep now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-09-01 01:30 am (UTC)you don't look like a loser at all
Date: 2002-09-01 02:36 am (UTC)You (a) care about how others in your household feel, enough to (b) take the mental and emotional effort of understanding their points of view and (c) take the mental and physical effort of active damage control and supportiveness.
Parenting ... sammyd & I are more firm than most people. We also do a lot of acknowledgement and supportiveness - without condoning anything we object to. We teach them the difference between parents being available for comfort and the world being often unforgiving. We teach them that everyone does something wrong - and that the important thing about spilling your cereal and milk is to be willing, prompt, and intelligent about cleaning it up and figuring out ways to avoid a repeat accident. We have our kids examined periodically, and apparently we're doing something right - I really think it's the "meta" concepts we teach them.
It's awesome that Mousie is talking! Hooray! She is so adorable.
Time to yourself is important. Don't let everyone else take that away from you. Teach 'em enlightened self interest - there would be a lot more inconveniences and problems for 'em if you went bugnuts, y'know. I'm no advocate of self-hurtful self-sacrifice.
*hugs* Get some sleep!
Re: you don't look like a loser at all
Date: 2002-09-01 07:54 am (UTC)Get some more sleep, man.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-06 05:03 pm (UTC)Not a loser. Just someone I want to get to know. lol I know I know, broken record. :P