I've got a case of nostalgia....
Sep. 4th, 2002 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediI asked a the BackTable list about the current Tablers at Grinnell.
I never really bother before, because I had figured that Grinnell was no longer mine to really be concerned with once I graduated. But I'm feeling rootless a bit, so I thought I'd look up some stuff.
I was directed to some stuff written by more recent Tablers about the Table. They mentioned 'persecution complex' to describe the Table before them. I have to admit, I didn't react well to that.
For those of you who don't know, the Backtable was essentially a clique of freaks and outsiders at Grinnell College. Really, while I was there, we were just a close-knit group of people, some very troubled, who stuck together and had some odd habits. We'd developed a reputation as 'freaks'. As far as I could tell, there were some people who had problems with us for acting like a close-knit community and not being particularly quiet about it.
We had a lot of problems. What do you expect with close-knit people, many of whom had emotional problems.
But the Table is special to me. I had good close friends in High School, but I never had a community. It's like being Jewish - Table were my people. My ethnicity is Table. My heritage is Table. We created our own culture that we were proud of, an identity we could actually identify with.
Maybe that's why it seems so weird to people, even though who came after me. I don't think they understood how important the Table was to us. For many of us, it was the first community that accepted who we were. We didn't have to hide being queer, or horny, or geeky, or odd. I guess for many of us less well-adjusted individuals, this was are first time really feeling part of a community. Many of us took the persona of 'outsider' or 'loner'. But I don't think most of us wanted to be. We wanted to be a part of something that was a unique reflection of us.
We did have a persecution complex to a certain extent. Some of it was deserved. People sneered at us for 'trying to act like you were so different' when all we were doing was going to class, spending time with people we cared about and watching movies. I remember getting anonymous hate emails. People were warned away from us by other students and by faculty. I found hate graffiti about the Back Table on bathroom walls. When several of us moved into an off campus house for a semester, we were known across campus as Freak House - within a day of us moving in.
I guess it upsets me to hear the people and culture I cared about so much being disregarded as having a 'persecution complex' by people who bear the name we had.
It just occurred to me that this must be the sort of feeling that partiotic types have when they see Americans thumbing their nose at America. Now, isn't that an interesting revelation? I never cared much for patriotism - in fact I tend to distrust people who are so. But how different is that? Maybe the difference is that I felt a bond with Tablers, but not really with Americans.
Well, ya learn something new every day. I am afraid of getting older, becoming like all the adults who have forgotten what it is like to be a kid. As I have more experiences, I understand more people's positions. But I dont necessarily agree.
It's difficult to stand up when you have so much to lose. I guess that is the source of the conservative mindset - you have too much to lose.
Well, this little diatribe has certainly taken a different direction. From nostalgia to introspection. I must be doing something right.
I never really bother before, because I had figured that Grinnell was no longer mine to really be concerned with once I graduated. But I'm feeling rootless a bit, so I thought I'd look up some stuff.
I was directed to some stuff written by more recent Tablers about the Table. They mentioned 'persecution complex' to describe the Table before them. I have to admit, I didn't react well to that.
For those of you who don't know, the Backtable was essentially a clique of freaks and outsiders at Grinnell College. Really, while I was there, we were just a close-knit group of people, some very troubled, who stuck together and had some odd habits. We'd developed a reputation as 'freaks'. As far as I could tell, there were some people who had problems with us for acting like a close-knit community and not being particularly quiet about it.
We had a lot of problems. What do you expect with close-knit people, many of whom had emotional problems.
But the Table is special to me. I had good close friends in High School, but I never had a community. It's like being Jewish - Table were my people. My ethnicity is Table. My heritage is Table. We created our own culture that we were proud of, an identity we could actually identify with.
Maybe that's why it seems so weird to people, even though who came after me. I don't think they understood how important the Table was to us. For many of us, it was the first community that accepted who we were. We didn't have to hide being queer, or horny, or geeky, or odd. I guess for many of us less well-adjusted individuals, this was are first time really feeling part of a community. Many of us took the persona of 'outsider' or 'loner'. But I don't think most of us wanted to be. We wanted to be a part of something that was a unique reflection of us.
We did have a persecution complex to a certain extent. Some of it was deserved. People sneered at us for 'trying to act like you were so different' when all we were doing was going to class, spending time with people we cared about and watching movies. I remember getting anonymous hate emails. People were warned away from us by other students and by faculty. I found hate graffiti about the Back Table on bathroom walls. When several of us moved into an off campus house for a semester, we were known across campus as Freak House - within a day of us moving in.
I guess it upsets me to hear the people and culture I cared about so much being disregarded as having a 'persecution complex' by people who bear the name we had.
It just occurred to me that this must be the sort of feeling that partiotic types have when they see Americans thumbing their nose at America. Now, isn't that an interesting revelation? I never cared much for patriotism - in fact I tend to distrust people who are so. But how different is that? Maybe the difference is that I felt a bond with Tablers, but not really with Americans.
Well, ya learn something new every day. I am afraid of getting older, becoming like all the adults who have forgotten what it is like to be a kid. As I have more experiences, I understand more people's positions. But I dont necessarily agree.
It's difficult to stand up when you have so much to lose. I guess that is the source of the conservative mindset - you have too much to lose.
Well, this little diatribe has certainly taken a different direction. From nostalgia to introspection. I must be doing something right.
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no subject
Date: 2002-09-05 12:39 pm (UTC)Now, I can see how one might mis-interpret this as a "complex" if you weren't there. But, frankly, whoever said that was being awful glib and should consider there's a reason people felt the way they did. Do you have a link to this comment?
no subject
Date: 2002-09-05 03:23 pm (UTC)I, for one, rather resented that Erik (who wrote that page..the rest of us had no input, as far as I know), implied that we used to be an outcast group, and that now we're all sunshine and light and friendly and happy. I don't know where that idea came from, but I know I sure as hell had a persecution complex, and I know at least one of the current tablers there has one that puts every other persecution complex I've seen to shame. Okay, fine, so in general the group has _never_ been as pissy and exclusionary as we were made out to be. but trying to make it seem like the old group had social issues and the new one doesn't is just moronic.
that's part of our identity, dammit. Sure, some of the tablers do fine socially, and have other friends, and enjoy both. a lot of us gravitated to table because it was the one place we could revel in not fitting in. (I'm going to be an outcast, just like you!)
Of course, I was also more than slightly annoyed that Erik, writing for the later tablers, conveniently left out those of us who graduated in 2001. *shrug*
but honestly..if you have issues with how that page was written, take it up with Erik. He was nice enough to create the space for us, but I know several of us don't really agree with his text. Silly newspaper people...
(oh, and btw, welcome aboard. I didn't mention the site on the mailing list, because we were still having "discussions" about whether the group wanted to. I was rather hoping to have you join us..now, to go ferret out Graham...)
no subject
Date: 2002-09-05 07:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-09-05 11:15 pm (UTC)I mentioned such to Erik on repeated occasions, and said so at graduation to the general public, but he at least pretty much blew it off. He also blew off ever sending me the digital pics from graduation he was supposed to. :p Someday, I'll get that film developed...