Update - gripe gripe gripe

[vaxjedi]

We have twp arts here, one is a review of the weekend and the next is a review of my mental state.

So we went down to Portland over the weekend because Miri had an appointment with the geneticists. We drove down Saturday and crashed at Eleri's parents' house for the evening. On Sunday morning we have a very nice brunch with zaiah and her family. It was very nice to actually see her. She played with Miri in the Dollar store for a while too. :)

Sunday afternoon we drove up to Canby and dropped the Mouse off with Chris and Dawn for the afternoon. Then we drove to Beaverton. That's when the ice strom hit. I-5 was a complete parkling lot. By the time we made it close to beaverton, we were completely iced.The car in front of us slid and went perpendicular on 217. We had to wait until they got moved because we couldn't make it around them without skidding out ourselves. We managed to make it to Beaverton and bought chains at the Freddie's there. After a half hour of trying to get the chains on (we had to stop a lot to let our hands thaw), we managed to get on our way and to Ryan and Jenn's house.

While we are there, we get a call that all appointments for the hospital are being cancelled because it's on top of a large hill with steep windy roads that are now all iced over. And I get to turn right around and go back to Canby to pick up Mouse because it took so long to get to Beaverton. But I have chains now, so it works out okay. I-5 is still a parking lot, as many of the lanes are blocked by trucks that have stopped md-freeway to put chains, and those that don't are being pulled over by the cops.

Anyway, we drive back up Monday because there isn't anything else we can do. Over all, the drive is long, but okay. Miri had her moments as usual. I was excessively cranky, however.

I go to work on Tuesday and I'm completely wiped out all day. There is a pizza party at work for the holidays at 2, but I get caught on a case until 3. And I proceed to have a major panic attack about going to the party - I just couldn't handle people, and I was worried that my manager would get on my case for avoiding a 'team-building event' again. But I eventually retreat to home.

And I proceed to fall completely apart, in the 'must hide under the blankets and not talk to anyone' depression sense. Eleri has mentioned that I have seemed more depressed as time goes on since I moved to Zoloft. My therapist mentioned it last week as well. So Eleri called the dr to get me an appointment to talk about my meds. The verdict: Since I've been on so many styles of meds and none of them have been satisfactory, the dr things I need to get boosts in all three of the relevant neurotransmitters at once. So i'm on TWO anti-depressants now: Zoloft and Welbutrin. We'll see how I do on them.

On the way home I completely lose it in the car. Screaming, yelling, crying. When i get home, Eleri puts me to bed and holds me for a while. Miri is asleep, so i get a chance to rest. After than, I feel a little fragile, but infinitely better. I even got some dishes done that evening.

So there is the event update. And now the other stuff.

Really, I'm doing a lot worse than i'd like to admit to myself. Part of yesterday was pure exhaustion. But I am hitting that threshhold again and again lately. I really don't know how to take care of myself anymore. So far, I've just been pushing myself harder because I knew that if i stopped, I'd not be able to get back up for a while. it's like riding a bike - the faster you go, the easier it is to stay up.

I've almost completely withdrawn, been spending my little bits of spare time playing City of Heroes. It seems to be one of the few things I can do that feels like I am successful at. I've pretty much given up on the idea of friends - there just doesn't seem to be room for such a thing in my life anymore. The meds have killed my libido (not that there was much left surviving anyway) and I don't even really enjoy much of anything anymore. Even the concept of gaming sends me into a quiet panic. I've done a few of the Feri mirror exercises lately, looking at myself in the mirror. And I see such endless sadness in my eyes. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I can't bear to see that sadness anymore. And I can't bear that I can't hide it from others as well as I thought I could.

The fact that I felt so much better after falling apart means that I am all stopped up, emotionally speaking. Expressing what's going on inside of me scares me. I don't know what scares me more: burdening people with the abyss that seems to be my life, having people tell me that I really am overreacting, or people telling me that things really are as bad as it feels like it is. I am just not as stoic as i thought I was. or maybe I am just getting old. I dunno.

I think the season is affecting me here, too. It gets so incredibly dark here in the winter, even more than Portland. The winter has never depressed me as much as this has.

Today is another day. I have drugs. And only one more day of work before I have a long break from it (paid break - yay Adobe!). And after Xmas, our house should be finished enough for us to move in. So I guess there is hope on the horizon.

Comments

[solcita.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time. =( I hope things improve for you, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

[lotta-colors.livejournal.com]

and after all that you still end on a hopeful note. *hugs* one more day. btw...mirrors are big liars... who do you think started that whole 7 years crap? My guess is they are envious of stained glass. Your loved ones may be a give you a better reflection these days. again *hugs*

[toilteanas.livejournal.com]

i love you.

[kyril.livejournal.com]

They like to increase psych meds until they "do something". But too much Zoloft can over-numb you. And given it really does take a while for a dosage change to have full effect, once a month may be too often to fine-tune the dosage. Maybe the Wellbutrin will help, maybe you need *less* Zoloft (depending on how much you're taking).

But you have two different problems going on, you've got Miri-related stresses and you've got what's "naturally" going on in your head. It may just be that you need a different drug for each of those.

[quility.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*
You are a beautiful soul. I'm sorry that you are going through so much. It can get better.
It will get better.

I will keep you in my meditations.

[queenofhalves]

i would find a place to express some of that sadness, if you can. for many months, with two different therapists, i would show up and sob for literally about forty minutes a session. having a safe space to do that can be really helpful, i think, because you get progressively clearer about what you need when you're not just totally bottled up.

take it easy on yourself. *hug*

hugs from a friend

[blueangel30.livejournal.com]

You have a friend in me. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I dated you you and I know there is a kind and very caring person in there. Don't give up hope we love you. Forget looking in a mirror they lie. At least they do to me. Always remeber you are a beautiful person on the inside. You are loved by many here. :)