More Random Thoughts
Sep. 16th, 2002 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediA lot more of the same, it seems. My mind seems to get into ruts.
All of the people in the house are coming down sick. I think I already made it past my sick period. I am dosing high on Vitamin C though.
How to fight off the ravages of low self-esteem?
Eleri went to spend the night with a friend this last weekend. Now, generally, I think this is very cool. However, as she tells me about it, I'm gripped with waves of worthlessness. What she does sounds so much more interesting and fun and meaningful than anything I give her. I feel like I am failing her, never giving enough.
Yes, I know this isn't warranted, but it hits me all the same.
In fact, a few people have pointed out that all the emperical evidence of my life points not to me being worthless, but extraordinary. For months after my wedding, whenever I was feeling bad about myself, Eleri would remind me of my wedding night. And I've had some amazing relationships with some amazing people. Even some of my net.relationships have been incredibly deep and satisfying. I only have had two relatonships that I'd qualify as failures and one of those was in High School. And I've had some experiences that many people only read about in a place liek Penthouse forums.
So, with all of that, why do I still feel so inadequite?
There could be an arguement made that because I feel so inadequite, I was driven to find extraordinary circumstances. But I dont know if I buy that. One, that implies that these special events were born of desperation, and I think that dilutes the importance and power of them. Two, when these things happen, there isn't a feeling of desperation or even relief. It's purely natural, almost reflexive. It doesn't happen because of it or even despite it. It's almost orthogonal - concurrent but unrelated.
What is it that I desire so much that forces me into depression or listlessness? Some of it is the fact that I live in my head so much. When I really get into the ecstatic, it bypasses my intellect. Normally, I'm quite verbose. But once it hit's me, it's like my speak and expression faculties are completely disconnected. And because so much of my self-concept is rooted in my intellect, I feel disconnected from myself when it happens. It's almost like having a part of myself that is hidden and inscrutable. I dislike that feeling. I can't enjoy who I am that way - I want/need to experience through understanding as well as experience.
Maybe what I am missing is the less intellectual aspects. There is a part of me that is afraid of letting go, because of this panic about never being able to back out if it goes badly. Or finding out that I am something that I really don't like. Or finding out that I'm much weaker than I think I am.
I know intellectually that these are all self-fulfilling prophecies. But I cannot get past the fear.
It's hard to talk about. A lot of it centers around my sexuality. And I think a lot of people I know have gotten tired of me talking about it. And I think others have started to see it as just talk, with no action to back it up. So it feels like I am a fool in some people's eyes, and a poser in others'. I feel like I've gone from trying to explain how I feel about it for years to having to justify it. No, I'm not just another horny net geek. No, I don't just see things in terms of who I can sleep with. No, I really believe this and want to act on it, even if I do have other interests and am tired all of the time on top of it. Blah Blah Blah Blah.
I've been trying to work at it from the other angle. Work on my spirituality by developing other metaphors, like my technopaganism, or the pantheon like the Jade Mother. Maybe I can work at it from both ends. But I hit roadblocks (mostly self-constructed) from those ends as well.
I wonder what lesson I need to learn to move on.
I go to bookstores hoping I'll run into the catalyst I need. I open my mind and sweep through the stacks at Powell's, or at libraries, looking for a lead to connect with my mind. Something of meaning among the endless Wiccan Flavor of the Month books by Llewelyn. Book stores and libraries space me out nowadays. There are so many stories wanting to be heard in those books, but they all sort of slide off my mind. It's like standing in a loud train station and finding out that every conversation is boring.
The thing is that I don't know what I want. But I know I haven't encountered it. Or at least I haven't recognized what I've run into.
I'm burning out at work. It's seeming more like a dead end job. While I can field all of the InDesign and Framemaker questions I get, I can only field about 75% of the Acrobat questions. And that 25% always seems to come from the same people. And I can tell that they are losing faith in my abilities. Then there are the Photoshop and Illustrator questions, for which I am insufficiently trained. I try to help, but I feel like I am wasting their time.
It's another case of just wanting to be competent.
I have this feeling that I repeat myself. I think a lot about things to post while I am driving. Driving is my main alone time - my car is one of the few things around that is mine.
Anyway, I keep thinking of thongs to post. But I usually never get around to posting them. Other people are using the computer most of the time. Plus whenever I have to eep an eye on Mirriam, by expressive ability turns off - it's Father(tm) time. My Visor... well, I still haven't gotten good enough at Graffiti to use it for posts, plus no real time to during the day and not enough money for a portable keyboard.
I am still using my Visor to record ideas for the modern magical world RPG background I am working on. Nocturnes, Raptured, Techgnostics, Heliochilder, etc. I need more ideas though.
But anyway, I have this feeling I keep saying the same things over and over again.
Austin Powers is a Discordian Saint. (Yes he is).
All for one quote "It's freedom, baby, yeah!"
That's wha the point is, isn't it? Freedom. Not pseudo-patriotic conceptions of freedom where good clean Americans make the world safe for Mom, Baseball, Apple Pie, and reruns of Friends. But freedom to create a world you want to live in and the freedom to pick up that world and go elsewhere if you don't like the neighbors. Freedom of mind, to see options, to choose one's own destiny, to live one's own kink.
And, I just want to be able to go to a kink party and say with complete earnestness, "This is my happening baby, and it freaks me out!" :)
I lack follow-through. I always have. I get bored easily. I lose interest and motivation for projects. All of my report cards had comments like "If Scott really applied himself...."
I have had a lot of good ideas. But I can't follow them through. Because I look down that timeline and I don't see anything that really matters. In the end, it all seems like a waste of time.
I wonder if I should set up a filtered smut list. Sort of a list of people who don't mind hearing about that part of my thoughts.
Maybe that would be more conducive to me expressing those things. Some of them are just random. Some are frequent issues/fantasies. I guess if yer interested (and have gotten this far in the post), let me know.
I tried to explain Discordianism to Kristopher, the 12 year old. And I found that I could not do it justice. (Besides the immediate futility of explaining Discordianism in general).
The issue is because he did not have the background to play off of. Discordianism is a reaction to the Aneristic world that we find ourselves in. Without that world, Discordianism loses it's power - it has nothing to mock, nothing to poke fun at. Discordianism is a counterbalance to the Grayfaces out there. Without the Grayfaces, there would be no Discordians.
So to a 12 year old, Discordianism is just noise. The understanding of the Grayface world just isn't there.
I guess that is why I'm not particular fond of virgins, either. There is no history to play off of, no backdrop to contrast to. Kink requires the vanilla world to give it character. What I can do with a lover requires the 'mundane' world as a frame of reference.
Discordianism is about knocking down memetic fortresses. but you can't do that without them being built first.
Well, I'm running out of steam again. Sleep and another 10 hour day of work calls.
All of the people in the house are coming down sick. I think I already made it past my sick period. I am dosing high on Vitamin C though.
How to fight off the ravages of low self-esteem?
Eleri went to spend the night with a friend this last weekend. Now, generally, I think this is very cool. However, as she tells me about it, I'm gripped with waves of worthlessness. What she does sounds so much more interesting and fun and meaningful than anything I give her. I feel like I am failing her, never giving enough.
Yes, I know this isn't warranted, but it hits me all the same.
In fact, a few people have pointed out that all the emperical evidence of my life points not to me being worthless, but extraordinary. For months after my wedding, whenever I was feeling bad about myself, Eleri would remind me of my wedding night. And I've had some amazing relationships with some amazing people. Even some of my net.relationships have been incredibly deep and satisfying. I only have had two relatonships that I'd qualify as failures and one of those was in High School. And I've had some experiences that many people only read about in a place liek Penthouse forums.
So, with all of that, why do I still feel so inadequite?
There could be an arguement made that because I feel so inadequite, I was driven to find extraordinary circumstances. But I dont know if I buy that. One, that implies that these special events were born of desperation, and I think that dilutes the importance and power of them. Two, when these things happen, there isn't a feeling of desperation or even relief. It's purely natural, almost reflexive. It doesn't happen because of it or even despite it. It's almost orthogonal - concurrent but unrelated.
What is it that I desire so much that forces me into depression or listlessness? Some of it is the fact that I live in my head so much. When I really get into the ecstatic, it bypasses my intellect. Normally, I'm quite verbose. But once it hit's me, it's like my speak and expression faculties are completely disconnected. And because so much of my self-concept is rooted in my intellect, I feel disconnected from myself when it happens. It's almost like having a part of myself that is hidden and inscrutable. I dislike that feeling. I can't enjoy who I am that way - I want/need to experience through understanding as well as experience.
Maybe what I am missing is the less intellectual aspects. There is a part of me that is afraid of letting go, because of this panic about never being able to back out if it goes badly. Or finding out that I am something that I really don't like. Or finding out that I'm much weaker than I think I am.
I know intellectually that these are all self-fulfilling prophecies. But I cannot get past the fear.
It's hard to talk about. A lot of it centers around my sexuality. And I think a lot of people I know have gotten tired of me talking about it. And I think others have started to see it as just talk, with no action to back it up. So it feels like I am a fool in some people's eyes, and a poser in others'. I feel like I've gone from trying to explain how I feel about it for years to having to justify it. No, I'm not just another horny net geek. No, I don't just see things in terms of who I can sleep with. No, I really believe this and want to act on it, even if I do have other interests and am tired all of the time on top of it. Blah Blah Blah Blah.
I've been trying to work at it from the other angle. Work on my spirituality by developing other metaphors, like my technopaganism, or the pantheon like the Jade Mother. Maybe I can work at it from both ends. But I hit roadblocks (mostly self-constructed) from those ends as well.
I wonder what lesson I need to learn to move on.
I go to bookstores hoping I'll run into the catalyst I need. I open my mind and sweep through the stacks at Powell's, or at libraries, looking for a lead to connect with my mind. Something of meaning among the endless Wiccan Flavor of the Month books by Llewelyn. Book stores and libraries space me out nowadays. There are so many stories wanting to be heard in those books, but they all sort of slide off my mind. It's like standing in a loud train station and finding out that every conversation is boring.
The thing is that I don't know what I want. But I know I haven't encountered it. Or at least I haven't recognized what I've run into.
I'm burning out at work. It's seeming more like a dead end job. While I can field all of the InDesign and Framemaker questions I get, I can only field about 75% of the Acrobat questions. And that 25% always seems to come from the same people. And I can tell that they are losing faith in my abilities. Then there are the Photoshop and Illustrator questions, for which I am insufficiently trained. I try to help, but I feel like I am wasting their time.
It's another case of just wanting to be competent.
Hey! Dreamer! Don't be so upset.
Hey! Dreamer! You're not beaten yet.-Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
I have this feeling that I repeat myself. I think a lot about things to post while I am driving. Driving is my main alone time - my car is one of the few things around that is mine.
Anyway, I keep thinking of thongs to post. But I usually never get around to posting them. Other people are using the computer most of the time. Plus whenever I have to eep an eye on Mirriam, by expressive ability turns off - it's Father(tm) time. My Visor... well, I still haven't gotten good enough at Graffiti to use it for posts, plus no real time to during the day and not enough money for a portable keyboard.
I am still using my Visor to record ideas for the modern magical world RPG background I am working on. Nocturnes, Raptured, Techgnostics, Heliochilder, etc. I need more ideas though.
But anyway, I have this feeling I keep saying the same things over and over again.
Austin Powers is a Discordian Saint. (Yes he is).
All for one quote "It's freedom, baby, yeah!"
That's wha the point is, isn't it? Freedom. Not pseudo-patriotic conceptions of freedom where good clean Americans make the world safe for Mom, Baseball, Apple Pie, and reruns of Friends. But freedom to create a world you want to live in and the freedom to pick up that world and go elsewhere if you don't like the neighbors. Freedom of mind, to see options, to choose one's own destiny, to live one's own kink.
And, I just want to be able to go to a kink party and say with complete earnestness, "This is my happening baby, and it freaks me out!" :)
I lack follow-through. I always have. I get bored easily. I lose interest and motivation for projects. All of my report cards had comments like "If Scott really applied himself...."
I have had a lot of good ideas. But I can't follow them through. Because I look down that timeline and I don't see anything that really matters. In the end, it all seems like a waste of time.
I wonder if I should set up a filtered smut list. Sort of a list of people who don't mind hearing about that part of my thoughts.
Maybe that would be more conducive to me expressing those things. Some of them are just random. Some are frequent issues/fantasies. I guess if yer interested (and have gotten this far in the post), let me know.
I tried to explain Discordianism to Kristopher, the 12 year old. And I found that I could not do it justice. (Besides the immediate futility of explaining Discordianism in general).
The issue is because he did not have the background to play off of. Discordianism is a reaction to the Aneristic world that we find ourselves in. Without that world, Discordianism loses it's power - it has nothing to mock, nothing to poke fun at. Discordianism is a counterbalance to the Grayfaces out there. Without the Grayfaces, there would be no Discordians.
So to a 12 year old, Discordianism is just noise. The understanding of the Grayface world just isn't there.
I guess that is why I'm not particular fond of virgins, either. There is no history to play off of, no backdrop to contrast to. Kink requires the vanilla world to give it character. What I can do with a lover requires the 'mundane' world as a frame of reference.
Discordianism is about knocking down memetic fortresses. but you can't do that without them being built first.
Well, I'm running out of steam again. Sleep and another 10 hour day of work calls.
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no subject
Date: 2002-09-17 12:47 am (UTC)I might suggest for Kristopher a copy of "Young Adult Novel" by Daniel Pinkwater (if you can find a copy), even though it's pseudo-Dada and not actually Discordian. I read it as a young child- my mom picked it off the 25 cent table because the cover looked neat, never realizing... and it was sort of a moment of clarity about the world of nonconformity and different versus, well, not.
no subject
Date: 2002-09-17 04:55 am (UTC)huang in there love.
no subject
Date: 2002-09-17 10:04 am (UTC)