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vaxjediSo many things to say. I think I'll break them up into several posts.
This one is about becoming someone who you don't want to be.
I never thought I was an angry person. But I have been lately. I've been exploding at Eleri a lot. And at Corri. I've been catty to people at work and the few friends I have around (either that or avoiding them because I'm afraid of being catty at them).
I have spent so much time worrying about becoming like my father in some ways, just to find I am becoming like him in others. My father's wrath was powerful. I remember my mother mentioning that he didn't quite remember what he did when he was angry - he was definitely a blind rage sort of person.
I am not a blind rage sort of person. However, I am becoming overcome with wrath. I remember what I said...but I do not always remember why, or how I got there.
But what an acquiantence of mine once said, you have to say to yourself "I don't know how we got here, but this is not where we want to be."
Eleri, I know you feel that you have made my life worse, that you are the source of my problems. But you are not. with you, I have come up against things that I did not expect to ever deal with. But you have not been a cause of my problems. The cause of my problems has been how I have chosen to deal with them. I tried to deny myself anything, because that is what parents are supposed to do, it seemed.
You know, it's very easy to say "You have to take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone else." It's hard to do. Because with a child, or a family, or any loved one who has a lot of needs, there is always more need than you can assauge. Anything you do for yourself feels like stealing from them.
I guess I can't understand why other people, like the others in my family and other parents and husbands, aren't neurotic messes like I am from the worry. How can you not worry about every moment? If you are away, are they needing you? Are you depriving them of something they need? If you are there, are you not giving enough? Are you hurting them somehow? Through neglect? Through repressed anger? Through overprotectiveness? Through thoughtlessness?
It's the same problem, I had in college. Every second of every day, there is more I could be doing. And I have no clue if what I do does have an effect. Rules no one can tell me with a scorecard that no one will show me. I just hid my stress better in college.
I'm waiting for everyone to pass judgement on me. The people I work with. The people I live with, the people who read my LJ or Eleri's LJ on line. I'm just waiting for the "well, you know you screwed this up..." that I know is coming. I've realized that a lot of my reactions are based off of that fear. Maybe I can convince people that I'm not that bad. Maybe I can convince them that whatever it is, it wasn't my fault. How can I convince people that I am doing my best? That I'm really not incompetent? Insensitive? Naive? Morose?
I am afraid of people I know posting on LJ, because I am afraid one of those posts will be about me. And the people they know will read those posts and say "Wow, this Blade guy is a real jerk." The fear that others will decide that I'm too much trouble to talk to, or uncomfortable to be around, or undeserving to be a friend.
I hide because the world seems like a harsh, unfriendly place. And I care about what people think, because I like people.
That's an uncomfortable statement to make. With all the 'you shouldn't wrry about what other peopel think' and 'beauty is only skin deep' and such we are told, I just don't see very much of that in the wild. Liberal acceptance only seems to happen in certain laboratory conditions.
I go to work and there is always people muttering - so-and-so doesn't pull their own weight, so-and-so is on a power trip, so-and-so is incompetent, so-and-so is not all right in the head. Everyone is saying this about someone else. Thus, someone has to be saying it about me in some respect.
People bitch about other people all of the time. Bitch sessions about specific people pop up and everyone seems to enjoy it so much. People in tech support always talk about "stupid customers". People who call into tech support always talk about "stupid technicians". Employees bitch about the stupid decisions management is making. Management is always complaining about the stupid employees that they have to deal with.
It seems to be the nature of people to conflict.
This is disheartening for me. As I never really learned this as a child or even a teenager. I always thought that people were basically good. That if we could just understand all of the details, then people could get along. I was an anarchist, not because I was a rebel, or I was violent, but because I thought that the rules were what were keeping people from just listening, learning and becoming enlightened people who got along.
People point at children as unspoiled. We should be like children, unjudgemental and unbiased, they say. They haven't looked at children. They throw fits, they lash out, they are thoughtless. If children are ideals, why do we have to teach them how to share and get along? Why do we have to teach them to respect?
I look back and that, and that looks so cynical.
It's not that humans are inherently flawed. It's that humans are inherently diverse. While we are all human, we are not the same. Conflict is inevitable because difference - irreconsilable difference - is inevitable.
There can be no true peace, because there will always be conflict. There can only be tolerance. There can only be the realization that there needs to be living space. Space to leave, space to find those who you want to be with and avoid those who you do not.
We are not one people. We cannot be one people. People were not meant to be one people. They were meant to be many peoples.
Wow. I don't know how I got there.
But this is so scary to someone who just wanted to be a good person, for people to like him. Someone who likes people so much that what they think of him is so important to him. The fact that no matter what I do, that some people will not like me scares the hell out of me.
People have always mattered to me. When I was in high school, I wrote "People are God. All of them together and each individual."
I don't want God to hate me.
This one is about becoming someone who you don't want to be.
I never thought I was an angry person. But I have been lately. I've been exploding at Eleri a lot. And at Corri. I've been catty to people at work and the few friends I have around (either that or avoiding them because I'm afraid of being catty at them).
I have spent so much time worrying about becoming like my father in some ways, just to find I am becoming like him in others. My father's wrath was powerful. I remember my mother mentioning that he didn't quite remember what he did when he was angry - he was definitely a blind rage sort of person.
I am not a blind rage sort of person. However, I am becoming overcome with wrath. I remember what I said...but I do not always remember why, or how I got there.
But what an acquiantence of mine once said, you have to say to yourself "I don't know how we got here, but this is not where we want to be."
Eleri, I know you feel that you have made my life worse, that you are the source of my problems. But you are not. with you, I have come up against things that I did not expect to ever deal with. But you have not been a cause of my problems. The cause of my problems has been how I have chosen to deal with them. I tried to deny myself anything, because that is what parents are supposed to do, it seemed.
You know, it's very easy to say "You have to take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone else." It's hard to do. Because with a child, or a family, or any loved one who has a lot of needs, there is always more need than you can assauge. Anything you do for yourself feels like stealing from them.
I guess I can't understand why other people, like the others in my family and other parents and husbands, aren't neurotic messes like I am from the worry. How can you not worry about every moment? If you are away, are they needing you? Are you depriving them of something they need? If you are there, are you not giving enough? Are you hurting them somehow? Through neglect? Through repressed anger? Through overprotectiveness? Through thoughtlessness?
It's the same problem, I had in college. Every second of every day, there is more I could be doing. And I have no clue if what I do does have an effect. Rules no one can tell me with a scorecard that no one will show me. I just hid my stress better in college.
I'm waiting for everyone to pass judgement on me. The people I work with. The people I live with, the people who read my LJ or Eleri's LJ on line. I'm just waiting for the "well, you know you screwed this up..." that I know is coming. I've realized that a lot of my reactions are based off of that fear. Maybe I can convince people that I'm not that bad. Maybe I can convince them that whatever it is, it wasn't my fault. How can I convince people that I am doing my best? That I'm really not incompetent? Insensitive? Naive? Morose?
I am afraid of people I know posting on LJ, because I am afraid one of those posts will be about me. And the people they know will read those posts and say "Wow, this Blade guy is a real jerk." The fear that others will decide that I'm too much trouble to talk to, or uncomfortable to be around, or undeserving to be a friend.
I hide because the world seems like a harsh, unfriendly place. And I care about what people think, because I like people.
That's an uncomfortable statement to make. With all the 'you shouldn't wrry about what other peopel think' and 'beauty is only skin deep' and such we are told, I just don't see very much of that in the wild. Liberal acceptance only seems to happen in certain laboratory conditions.
I go to work and there is always people muttering - so-and-so doesn't pull their own weight, so-and-so is on a power trip, so-and-so is incompetent, so-and-so is not all right in the head. Everyone is saying this about someone else. Thus, someone has to be saying it about me in some respect.
People bitch about other people all of the time. Bitch sessions about specific people pop up and everyone seems to enjoy it so much. People in tech support always talk about "stupid customers". People who call into tech support always talk about "stupid technicians". Employees bitch about the stupid decisions management is making. Management is always complaining about the stupid employees that they have to deal with.
It seems to be the nature of people to conflict.
This is disheartening for me. As I never really learned this as a child or even a teenager. I always thought that people were basically good. That if we could just understand all of the details, then people could get along. I was an anarchist, not because I was a rebel, or I was violent, but because I thought that the rules were what were keeping people from just listening, learning and becoming enlightened people who got along.
People point at children as unspoiled. We should be like children, unjudgemental and unbiased, they say. They haven't looked at children. They throw fits, they lash out, they are thoughtless. If children are ideals, why do we have to teach them how to share and get along? Why do we have to teach them to respect?
I look back and that, and that looks so cynical.
It's not that humans are inherently flawed. It's that humans are inherently diverse. While we are all human, we are not the same. Conflict is inevitable because difference - irreconsilable difference - is inevitable.
There can be no true peace, because there will always be conflict. There can only be tolerance. There can only be the realization that there needs to be living space. Space to leave, space to find those who you want to be with and avoid those who you do not.
We are not one people. We cannot be one people. People were not meant to be one people. They were meant to be many peoples.
Wow. I don't know how I got there.
But this is so scary to someone who just wanted to be a good person, for people to like him. Someone who likes people so much that what they think of him is so important to him. The fact that no matter what I do, that some people will not like me scares the hell out of me.
People have always mattered to me. When I was in high school, I wrote "People are God. All of them together and each individual."
I don't want God to hate me.
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no subject
Self-fulfilling prophecies suck bunny snot, don't they? :-/
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2002-09-29 12:46 am (UTC)One of my concerns for you is that you seem to worry about others passing judgement on you, while at the same time you pass very harsh judgement on yourself. I'd work on making sure you're someone you like before worrying about what anyone else thinks... I know that's hard when other people's opinions matter so much.
<hugs>
no subject
Date: 2002-09-29 01:01 am (UTC)As for what you wrote- it gave me something to think about with my own life and relationships with others, especially my parents. I appreciate that.
I hope that whatever you are looking for, you find it.