Have I grown old yet?
Oct. 15th, 2002 08:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediI was talking to a dear love of mine today. She's far away now. She met with a bunch of friends from college recently. She said she was struck by the fact that people seemed so old and run down.
She said she felt like everybody had given up. Like everyone was gonna change the world and gave up on that.
My response was immediate. "I haven't given up. I may be too tired to remember that sometimes, but I definitely haven't given up."
Once again, when I encountered the world, my point of view has been galvinized. If you were to listen to me most of the time, you'd see me as really worn down and burnt out. And I have been.
But I am remembering. Changing the world, sure. But not in a huge cataclysm. Bit by bit. Person by person. Encounter by encounter. And I may not be changing the world, but I am making my world. A world where I can have a wife who enjoys watching me love other people and vice versa. A world where I can imagine magickal cities and talk to people about them. A world where I can indulge in being a Dom and indulge in my kinks.
My priorities have shifted, yes. And I've slowed down a bit. But when energy ebbs, you make up for it with efficiency, wisdom and sophistication. As I discovered when I went to college, tehre are benefits to growing up. I never would have known the joys of lovers, of linking bodies, minds and spirits through ecstasy if I stayed a child. The requisite development to really savor it wouldn't have been there.
But, I realize I haven't given up on it. Just trying to find the right angle to approach it. To savor it. And trying to find a way to remember all of this when the darkness falls on me again.
She said she felt like everybody had given up. Like everyone was gonna change the world and gave up on that.
My response was immediate. "I haven't given up. I may be too tired to remember that sometimes, but I definitely haven't given up."
Once again, when I encountered the world, my point of view has been galvinized. If you were to listen to me most of the time, you'd see me as really worn down and burnt out. And I have been.
But I am remembering. Changing the world, sure. But not in a huge cataclysm. Bit by bit. Person by person. Encounter by encounter. And I may not be changing the world, but I am making my world. A world where I can have a wife who enjoys watching me love other people and vice versa. A world where I can imagine magickal cities and talk to people about them. A world where I can indulge in being a Dom and indulge in my kinks.
My priorities have shifted, yes. And I've slowed down a bit. But when energy ebbs, you make up for it with efficiency, wisdom and sophistication. As I discovered when I went to college, tehre are benefits to growing up. I never would have known the joys of lovers, of linking bodies, minds and spirits through ecstasy if I stayed a child. The requisite development to really savor it wouldn't have been there.
But, I realize I haven't given up on it. Just trying to find the right angle to approach it. To savor it. And trying to find a way to remember all of this when the darkness falls on me again.
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-15 10:42 pm (UTC)When you are "young" you think you are going to change the world as in change the dominant paradigm.
When you are "mature" you are trying to instill whatever change you can, but not expecting a paradigm shift.
Whan you have "given up" you feel that the world will never change so theres no point in trying.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-16 06:53 am (UTC)and My "family" is different now. But despite the problems I run into at home now, I am very close to them, so much that it surprises me.
It took an ex-girlfriend to really make the realization for me. "I'm married to my housemates." I think that may be too strong a word for it. But I do view my current life and the things I want to do with my free-time in a way typical of someone who is married. I work, and work current tires me out. It doesn't hold the "wow" it once did. I'll be leave there sometime soon after the new year.
But yeah, I've definitely slowed down, and the fact that I'm not living in dorms surrounded by ideas and people and lovers and friends 24/7 means that I am a different person because of it.
It took some interesting reading the past few days to break me from this. Blade, I asuume you've probably read Hakim Be, but if you haven't his theories on the Temporary Autonomous Zone and Choas are rewally worthwhile reads.
They ahve given me a new vision and tied a lot of feelings togther for me.
So yeah, I agree with you, I've grown older, I've chnaged alot from College, but I certainly haven't given up, I'm just quieter, and I have a slightly longer time table that I had before. I never wanted to chnage the world, just to make my world a little better for me.