All Systems are Blah

[vaxjedi]

I'm just kinda blah all around.



I haven't been talking much on here. Haven't had time and energy in the same place. I have some issues Im working on, but I always seem to be working on them, ya know? I'm feeling unstuck again. Eleri says I'm lucky to have a culture that I've come from - the Table, Grinnell, etc. However, I feel so disconnected from it. I don't talk to my old friends much, don't do any of the old things I used to do much. I miss old lovers. I want them to meet Eleri, to love her like I love her. It's important that Eleri and others I love at least get along.

I know that I have some idealizations in my head. I chat with Kenna on AIM and remember who explosive we used to be. I don't think she ever realized how hard I'd fallen for her. Of course, that's the case with many people.

I think I know part of the issue. A lot of my feelings feel like they are silly are invalid now. Why? Because I'm not at Grinnell anymore, I'm in the Real World^TM. I guess I always felt that college was a little bubble of unreality - but as soon as I got into the Real World^TM, that I'd have to buckle down and drop the 'childish' things, like unlimited love and freedom of action and such.

To a certain degree this is true. I have Responsibilities. But I think I psyched myself out so much that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like what R A Wilson said, if you want to feel like life isn't worth it, practice believing that every day. Eventually, you'll be an expert at it. How do I reverse engineer this?

---

I've had several people tell me that i don't have any room in my life for anyone else. I don't know whether to really believe that or not. Often it is put out there with the addendum of "you can't give me what I need." I look at my life and I can see that. I have a wife and two kids that take a lot of time and energy.

But, there is a part of me that says that is just not correct. There are a lot of times that I do feel confined, yes. But the idea that I can't love more people and love them effectively really feels wrong, incorrect. Maybe I just need to work at it more...

Comments

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

You reverse engineer it in the same way that you engineered it in the first place -- you say to yourself every day "My life is meaningful and I am worthy of what I have" and sooner or later it becomes true, if only by wearing it into your brain like a labyrinth gets worn into a cathedral floor through the sheer weight of thousands of people's feet tracing it back and forth.

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

Exactly. In the same stuff you're referring to, Blade, RAW talks about doing heart-chakra exersises, learning to love the world. You have to come through the Chapel Perilous, one step at a time.