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Nov. 30th, 2002 12:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediI worry about people reading my LJ and seeing nothing but pain and depression in my life. There are other things, really. But I don't need to talk about the other things as much. I process by talking. I find my steps through the tangled pathways of the Chapel Perilous by talking my way through them. I walk the Labrynth with words as my torch.
This is very long, btw. And may have some TMI of various sorts.
My emotions are on a serious rollercoaster. One minute I'll be in the depths of despair. The next, I'll be resolute in myself and my friends, the next I'll be near a rage. It's my emotions are a turbulent sea by themselves all of a sudden, and then they are being racked by the tides of a score of moons.
I think I've unlocked my psyche to a certain extent. Thus the monsoons of feelings wiping across me all of the time. And I am under stresses I'd never have conceived of before.
I am honestly worried about being a parent. Not just my usual "My god I'm going to fuck them up" fear. But I seem to be getting angrier and angrier at the children. I honestly can't think of anything that has made me angrier in my life. I wonder if this is the sort of rage my father used to feel. In fact, I've been very afraid to even admit to the rage building in me. I mentioned it once to Eleri and immediately cut her off when she tried to help me. Rage scares me. My rage scares me more. I very regularly have to leave the room when one of the kids is being difficult. I can feel my mind cloud and my fists clench.
I think I need therapy for this. I'm not one to fall back on therapy (always seemed kinda useless for me), but this is really beginning to disturb me. If I continue to repress this, then it'll become explosive and there will be serious problems. At the same time, I am afraid that the people around me will begin to fear me because of this admission, and resent me because of my weakness. And I'm afraid to talk to a professional (an 'authority'), because I am afraid if they see the ferocity I am hiding, that they will declare me a danger to myself or others.
I feel bad for the kids. They don't deserve my ire, to be the second-hand casualties for the wars in my head.
I think the reason we have so many fucked up people in the world is because of bad parenting. But being a parent, it's a wonder to me that any person can be a good parent. What is required is truly herculean. An acquiantance of mine one said: "Everyone knows child abuse is horrible. And to a parent, it is even more horrible. But as a parent, you begin to understand it." I think there may be a small percentage of the population (like Matt Sayre's mother) that has an inclination for the task. The rest of us... we just limp along and try to make sure that our kids aren't serial killers without becoming the source of our children's nightmares ourselves.
The stress is unbearable. The behavior of these uncontrollable little people are your responsibility. How they eat, how they talk, how they learn, how they interact. Any failure you have in your life is one that will affect them.
I don't know if I am up to this challenge. But I cannot walk away from it. I screwed up my college years in so many ways, but that only affected me. I cannot let my children down. Nor my wife.
I have been holding myself back in several ways. I have been afraid to enjoy parenthood. There is some sort of weird fear that I will 'go native'. That I will give into the father bit and become all conservative. Sedentary. Uninteresting. I see parents who were absolute hellions in their younger days telling their children to just play by the rules. Is that me next? Will I suddenly tell my kids to not do things I would have advised my friends to do? Will I freak out if Corri decides to die her hair? Or get a tatoo? Or I catch Kristopher schtuping his gf in the back of the car?
Maybe that is what I fear more than anything. Not being a father, but that becoming a father means I will sell out. I'm not saying I want to be a violent anarchist or anything. But I don't want to give up. I want to expand.
And I want my kids to know the truths that I have found. I want my kids to know the freedom of being different. I want my kids to know when to fly their freak flag high (if any) and when discretion is the better part of valor. I want them to know that sex is good. That they can be a fag, or a dyke, or a bi, or a slut, or a leatherboy or whatever suits them. I want them to know how to do it intelligently. I want them to know that they can love more than one, if they want. That they can love different with such intensity that it would start to warp the very fabric of space. I want them to know that the world can be a magickal place, if they choose to step across the veil. I want them to know the things I have discovered, but had to keep quiet, or was ashamed of, because the people around me felt differently, or were too afraid to express themselves as well.
I want them to have the opportunities I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
But I can't give up some things. I cannot give up the occasional all-night session on the computer, whether I am coding, or modifying photos, writing posts or having net sex. I cannot give up spending a night alone every once in a while, getting lost in a book, a movie, or a video game. I cannot give up my appetite for people, for the thrill of new lovers and the luxurious feeling of enjoying a lover I've had for a while. I can't give up dirty comic books and stories. I can't give up bad martial arts films, or gorging myself on Easy Cheese. I can't give up swinging by Taco Bell for a Chicken Quesadilla when I'm having a bad day. I can't give up mismatching shoes.
I know no one is asking me to give up these things. But I feel an unspoken pressure from all around. That it is time to put away 'childish' things. I cannot, however. I will not.
Eleri and I have very different ways of dealing with stress. I think that is the source of a lot of our conflicts.
Eleri is explosive. She processes stress she can't handle by venting. On LJ, to others, etc. If she doesn't get it out, it becomes toxic to her. I think people (including myself) have mistaken that for bitchiness. Or instability. Or manipulation.
I, on the lither hand, deal with stress I can't handle by being quiet, by avoiding the subject. I can't wade into the subject until I am ready for it. Otherwise I will become overwhelmed and drown.
Thus we conflict. Eleri feels I don't stand up enough, that I am too quiet and that I let people walk over me. Sometimes I do. Sometimes, I'm just handling things differently.
Sometimes we balance each other out. Sometimes we tear each other apart.
I've been watching the special edition of Fellowship of the Rings. Now, I could go into the mind-numbing amount of work that went into it and Tolkien as modern mythology and all of that.
But what I want to talk about is a specific scene, and my reaction to it.
At the Council of Elron (excuse any incorrect spellings, please), when Frodo says he will bare the ring to Mount Doom, Aragorn says "You will have my sword." Then Legolas says, "And my bow." Then Gimli "And my axe."
My reaction to that scene, since I first saw it in a trailer for Fellowship, has always been strong. And I think this is why I continue to be so staunchly defensive of the Back Table and maybe why I have a fluid concept of self. I think I am a pack creature. I have always craved a tight community and the Back Table was just that. In a lot of ways, it was a dream pack for me. I had friends I could fall back on and people to help. I could talk gaming, computers, magick, sex, scifi, whatever - I could geek out in all of my ways. I had people I could get close to as friends, and as lovers.
And now that I think about it, I had a pack to come home to in Redlands. Good Ol' Team Bonzai - Ryan, Chris Chapman, Dave Miller, Janelle, Dave Detrow, et al. I didn't have the lovers, but otherwise it was very much the same.
Maybe that's been my problem in Oregon. What I visualized as being my fellowship just wasn't. My household, while I get along with each of them individually, we just don't work as a household. Chris would be the first person I'd want at my back in a fight, right after Ryan. And I really enjoy the conversations and games we share. Dawn is always there to support me and I enjoy being around her too. And Eleri understands me like few do - we are close enough that whatever comes out of our union is intense, be it ecstasy or anger. But, we don't work as a family. Too much bad blood that will never wash away, and our styles of living are too diverse.
As for the others nearby, I am too cut off from them. Ryan and Jenn are creating their life together. And while I always know Ryan will be there, our paths don't seem to be crossing right now. Alanna, while we work pretty well together, has plans for her life that don't involve me and my world - I'm really a stopgap more than anything. I really don't know anyone else nearby.
The others are scattered far and wide. People in Ohio, Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Massachusettes, New York, Arizona, California, Illinois, Texas, various Canadian providences and those that I'm not even sure where they live, exactly.
There is this constant push-pull for people to move. Everyone wants to everyone else to move to where they are. And it never works - people have lives they want to keep.
But the honest truth is, if it were my decision, I would move. To where, I am not certain. But I would take Eleri nd the kids and whomever else wanted to come along to someplace different. Even if it were just to the other side of Portland. I guess it's because I have the least to lose of all of the people in the household.
It's been a long night so far. Many words. I really should sleep. But I dont want to. I have nowhere to be tomorrow. I should wake up and help Eleri watch the kids, tho. I still have more to say, however.
I think I am ready to admit that I am an empath. Now, to a lot of people, this is no big revelation. As many of the things I type here, it's for me that I type it.
First of all, I have always been afraid of admtting such a thing. It brings with it an admission of a magickal world. And while I have always believed that there had to be some sort of magick in the world, admitting to it is difficult. There is a part of me that feels like I am sinking into insanity with such an admission.
One, magick conflicts with the hard-core materialist beliefs given me by my father. He was critical of spiritual thought and, while I found out later that my father was not one to look up to, I did idolize him in many ways until I was 14 or so. (But then again, what sons don't idolize their father in some way?) Somehow, it almost feels like a betrayal.
Two, the magickal world is a scary one. There is the implication that not everything can be reasoned out. In the muggle world, there is a chance that things can be explained with enough time and cleverness. The magickal world implies danger - arbitrary curses and powerful evil are possible there. There is the chance that the good and the clever are truly vulnerable in the magickal world. In the materisalist world, such things don't matter - things are deterministic. If you push, it pushes back with equal yet opposite force. There is no bypassing the natural order. And if you get crushed, it isn't personal. In the magickal world, there are fates worse than death. In the muggle world, death is enough.
Three, admitting I am an empath (or more empathic than the norm) feels like an act of sheer egoism. It's an excuse to feel special (because I do want to feel special). It's a way of feeling special without earning that feeling. It feels like a cop out to a certain degree. I've met a few people who felt they were special, noble, magickal, better-than-everyone-else, etc. And they turned out to be just off their rocker. I wonder what right do I have to claim greatness. And like most people, there is something in me that wants greatness. And I am wary of people who want greatness.
However, I don't think I can deny it any longer. I am an empath. One without shields and one without experience. That is part of why I fold under any sort of emotional pressure, part of why I avoid confrontation - I can feel the other person's displeasure/anger/pain. Hell, can feel the weight of the people behind me on the freeway when I'm driving too slow.
I think that has driven a lot of my behavior. My love of making other people feel good is based off of the fact that I can feel their pleasure. More keenly than I can feel my own, really. That's why, after years of sexual experiences most would kill for, I still feel repressed. Because I was living through the feelings of those I loved. Their ecstasy was an excuse not to find mine.
Maybe that is why Eleri's ecstasy is sometimes difficult fo me to bear - it is closer to mine. It forces me to look at my own. It forces me to find my own power in order to stand with it. And that scares the hell out of me. The concept of me being powerful scares me. Because I do not trust myself with power. Maybe that's why I undermind myself as a dom.
Magick must be done. I have all of the details in my head. I know what I need to know. I understand what I need to understand. But I am not sure how to do. Because I live in my head so much now, so much of my esteem is based off of 'knowing' now. I spend all day trying to know more than the techs under me so I can be a good senior for them, and so I won't look stupid. I'm the one with the college degree in the house, so I should 'know' things, right? In a household of four elements, I am Air. Therefore, I am supposed to 'know', right?
Funny thing was my element used to be Water. I think I did better as water. It's a very sensual element.
I am obsessed with sex to a certain extent. Enough that it troubles me. I get to know people best by fucking them. And the undercurrents of sex do a lot for me. I like watching anime, because it turns me on. I actually like reading ElfQuest, because it turns me on. I haven't read much ElfQuest partially because it seems like such a big world to try and tackle. I actually kinda like furry spooge art too - just not most of the Furries I've met. I have a lot of weird tastes.
However, I don't have the overwhelming desire for it. In some ways, this seems like a failing. What sort of slut am I if I don't want it all of the time, anyway?
Part of it is that it has to engage my mind. I actually have a very short attention span. People have pointed this out to me in reference to my relationships. But really, it applies to ideas. It's shiny new ideas that distract me. And when my mind is going a different way than my libido, I am a person divided - in turmoil and weakened. When the different aspects of myself are aligned, I slip into the Now, the sorta Taoist wu wei described in teh ElfQuest books. I'm like an athelete who is in the zone - even if nothing happens, it all woks out just fine.
I did a rune reading a few months ago. The central rune was Inguz. It means weaving together and sorta looks like two sticks being woven together. I have these elements in my life that are currently separate. And I have to weave them together into a whole.
Then, I'll be smokin'.
I want to write my language, Sinnish. I want to use it for my Raptured background. But i want to use it in life. I want to write the glyphs of it as spells. I want to get a tattoo of a Sinnish glyph on my spine, just behind my second chakrah. That way, it can lock it open the way it is supposed to be. But I don't know what the language looks like yet. It's one of my many potential projects.
The Jade Mother, the Ember Man, the Twins in Silk Robes, the Protean.... all deities. They become more real to me every day.
It's a sexual thing too. I've had dreams of having sex with all of them. I still feel silly about how sexual things seem to become to me - I can feel people roll their eyes when I bring it up, even over the Internet.
But it's my destiny to fuck Gods and Goddesses. Go figure.
But that's not all of my destiny. My Gods have much more to teach me than that. But that is a part of it nonetheless.
Finally... running out of steam. Eleri will have no sympathy for me tomorrow, and I guess I wouldn't blame her. Well, I'm sure I will when she wakes me up....
This is very long, btw. And may have some TMI of various sorts.
My emotions are on a serious rollercoaster. One minute I'll be in the depths of despair. The next, I'll be resolute in myself and my friends, the next I'll be near a rage. It's my emotions are a turbulent sea by themselves all of a sudden, and then they are being racked by the tides of a score of moons.
I think I've unlocked my psyche to a certain extent. Thus the monsoons of feelings wiping across me all of the time. And I am under stresses I'd never have conceived of before.
I am honestly worried about being a parent. Not just my usual "My god I'm going to fuck them up" fear. But I seem to be getting angrier and angrier at the children. I honestly can't think of anything that has made me angrier in my life. I wonder if this is the sort of rage my father used to feel. In fact, I've been very afraid to even admit to the rage building in me. I mentioned it once to Eleri and immediately cut her off when she tried to help me. Rage scares me. My rage scares me more. I very regularly have to leave the room when one of the kids is being difficult. I can feel my mind cloud and my fists clench.
I think I need therapy for this. I'm not one to fall back on therapy (always seemed kinda useless for me), but this is really beginning to disturb me. If I continue to repress this, then it'll become explosive and there will be serious problems. At the same time, I am afraid that the people around me will begin to fear me because of this admission, and resent me because of my weakness. And I'm afraid to talk to a professional (an 'authority'), because I am afraid if they see the ferocity I am hiding, that they will declare me a danger to myself or others.
I feel bad for the kids. They don't deserve my ire, to be the second-hand casualties for the wars in my head.
I think the reason we have so many fucked up people in the world is because of bad parenting. But being a parent, it's a wonder to me that any person can be a good parent. What is required is truly herculean. An acquiantance of mine one said: "Everyone knows child abuse is horrible. And to a parent, it is even more horrible. But as a parent, you begin to understand it." I think there may be a small percentage of the population (like Matt Sayre's mother) that has an inclination for the task. The rest of us... we just limp along and try to make sure that our kids aren't serial killers without becoming the source of our children's nightmares ourselves.
The stress is unbearable. The behavior of these uncontrollable little people are your responsibility. How they eat, how they talk, how they learn, how they interact. Any failure you have in your life is one that will affect them.
I don't know if I am up to this challenge. But I cannot walk away from it. I screwed up my college years in so many ways, but that only affected me. I cannot let my children down. Nor my wife.
I have been holding myself back in several ways. I have been afraid to enjoy parenthood. There is some sort of weird fear that I will 'go native'. That I will give into the father bit and become all conservative. Sedentary. Uninteresting. I see parents who were absolute hellions in their younger days telling their children to just play by the rules. Is that me next? Will I suddenly tell my kids to not do things I would have advised my friends to do? Will I freak out if Corri decides to die her hair? Or get a tatoo? Or I catch Kristopher schtuping his gf in the back of the car?
Maybe that is what I fear more than anything. Not being a father, but that becoming a father means I will sell out. I'm not saying I want to be a violent anarchist or anything. But I don't want to give up. I want to expand.
And I want my kids to know the truths that I have found. I want my kids to know the freedom of being different. I want my kids to know when to fly their freak flag high (if any) and when discretion is the better part of valor. I want them to know that sex is good. That they can be a fag, or a dyke, or a bi, or a slut, or a leatherboy or whatever suits them. I want them to know how to do it intelligently. I want them to know that they can love more than one, if they want. That they can love different with such intensity that it would start to warp the very fabric of space. I want them to know that the world can be a magickal place, if they choose to step across the veil. I want them to know the things I have discovered, but had to keep quiet, or was ashamed of, because the people around me felt differently, or were too afraid to express themselves as well.
I want them to have the opportunities I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
But I can't give up some things. I cannot give up the occasional all-night session on the computer, whether I am coding, or modifying photos, writing posts or having net sex. I cannot give up spending a night alone every once in a while, getting lost in a book, a movie, or a video game. I cannot give up my appetite for people, for the thrill of new lovers and the luxurious feeling of enjoying a lover I've had for a while. I can't give up dirty comic books and stories. I can't give up bad martial arts films, or gorging myself on Easy Cheese. I can't give up swinging by Taco Bell for a Chicken Quesadilla when I'm having a bad day. I can't give up mismatching shoes.
I know no one is asking me to give up these things. But I feel an unspoken pressure from all around. That it is time to put away 'childish' things. I cannot, however. I will not.
Eleri and I have very different ways of dealing with stress. I think that is the source of a lot of our conflicts.
Eleri is explosive. She processes stress she can't handle by venting. On LJ, to others, etc. If she doesn't get it out, it becomes toxic to her. I think people (including myself) have mistaken that for bitchiness. Or instability. Or manipulation.
I, on the lither hand, deal with stress I can't handle by being quiet, by avoiding the subject. I can't wade into the subject until I am ready for it. Otherwise I will become overwhelmed and drown.
Thus we conflict. Eleri feels I don't stand up enough, that I am too quiet and that I let people walk over me. Sometimes I do. Sometimes, I'm just handling things differently.
Sometimes we balance each other out. Sometimes we tear each other apart.
I've been watching the special edition of Fellowship of the Rings. Now, I could go into the mind-numbing amount of work that went into it and Tolkien as modern mythology and all of that.
But what I want to talk about is a specific scene, and my reaction to it.
At the Council of Elron (excuse any incorrect spellings, please), when Frodo says he will bare the ring to Mount Doom, Aragorn says "You will have my sword." Then Legolas says, "And my bow." Then Gimli "And my axe."
My reaction to that scene, since I first saw it in a trailer for Fellowship, has always been strong. And I think this is why I continue to be so staunchly defensive of the Back Table and maybe why I have a fluid concept of self. I think I am a pack creature. I have always craved a tight community and the Back Table was just that. In a lot of ways, it was a dream pack for me. I had friends I could fall back on and people to help. I could talk gaming, computers, magick, sex, scifi, whatever - I could geek out in all of my ways. I had people I could get close to as friends, and as lovers.
And now that I think about it, I had a pack to come home to in Redlands. Good Ol' Team Bonzai - Ryan, Chris Chapman, Dave Miller, Janelle, Dave Detrow, et al. I didn't have the lovers, but otherwise it was very much the same.
Maybe that's been my problem in Oregon. What I visualized as being my fellowship just wasn't. My household, while I get along with each of them individually, we just don't work as a household. Chris would be the first person I'd want at my back in a fight, right after Ryan. And I really enjoy the conversations and games we share. Dawn is always there to support me and I enjoy being around her too. And Eleri understands me like few do - we are close enough that whatever comes out of our union is intense, be it ecstasy or anger. But, we don't work as a family. Too much bad blood that will never wash away, and our styles of living are too diverse.
As for the others nearby, I am too cut off from them. Ryan and Jenn are creating their life together. And while I always know Ryan will be there, our paths don't seem to be crossing right now. Alanna, while we work pretty well together, has plans for her life that don't involve me and my world - I'm really a stopgap more than anything. I really don't know anyone else nearby.
The others are scattered far and wide. People in Ohio, Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Massachusettes, New York, Arizona, California, Illinois, Texas, various Canadian providences and those that I'm not even sure where they live, exactly.
There is this constant push-pull for people to move. Everyone wants to everyone else to move to where they are. And it never works - people have lives they want to keep.
But the honest truth is, if it were my decision, I would move. To where, I am not certain. But I would take Eleri nd the kids and whomever else wanted to come along to someplace different. Even if it were just to the other side of Portland. I guess it's because I have the least to lose of all of the people in the household.
It's been a long night so far. Many words. I really should sleep. But I dont want to. I have nowhere to be tomorrow. I should wake up and help Eleri watch the kids, tho. I still have more to say, however.
I think I am ready to admit that I am an empath. Now, to a lot of people, this is no big revelation. As many of the things I type here, it's for me that I type it.
First of all, I have always been afraid of admtting such a thing. It brings with it an admission of a magickal world. And while I have always believed that there had to be some sort of magick in the world, admitting to it is difficult. There is a part of me that feels like I am sinking into insanity with such an admission.
One, magick conflicts with the hard-core materialist beliefs given me by my father. He was critical of spiritual thought and, while I found out later that my father was not one to look up to, I did idolize him in many ways until I was 14 or so. (But then again, what sons don't idolize their father in some way?) Somehow, it almost feels like a betrayal.
Two, the magickal world is a scary one. There is the implication that not everything can be reasoned out. In the muggle world, there is a chance that things can be explained with enough time and cleverness. The magickal world implies danger - arbitrary curses and powerful evil are possible there. There is the chance that the good and the clever are truly vulnerable in the magickal world. In the materisalist world, such things don't matter - things are deterministic. If you push, it pushes back with equal yet opposite force. There is no bypassing the natural order. And if you get crushed, it isn't personal. In the magickal world, there are fates worse than death. In the muggle world, death is enough.
Three, admitting I am an empath (or more empathic than the norm) feels like an act of sheer egoism. It's an excuse to feel special (because I do want to feel special). It's a way of feeling special without earning that feeling. It feels like a cop out to a certain degree. I've met a few people who felt they were special, noble, magickal, better-than-everyone-else, etc. And they turned out to be just off their rocker. I wonder what right do I have to claim greatness. And like most people, there is something in me that wants greatness. And I am wary of people who want greatness.
However, I don't think I can deny it any longer. I am an empath. One without shields and one without experience. That is part of why I fold under any sort of emotional pressure, part of why I avoid confrontation - I can feel the other person's displeasure/anger/pain. Hell, can feel the weight of the people behind me on the freeway when I'm driving too slow.
I think that has driven a lot of my behavior. My love of making other people feel good is based off of the fact that I can feel their pleasure. More keenly than I can feel my own, really. That's why, after years of sexual experiences most would kill for, I still feel repressed. Because I was living through the feelings of those I loved. Their ecstasy was an excuse not to find mine.
Maybe that is why Eleri's ecstasy is sometimes difficult fo me to bear - it is closer to mine. It forces me to look at my own. It forces me to find my own power in order to stand with it. And that scares the hell out of me. The concept of me being powerful scares me. Because I do not trust myself with power. Maybe that's why I undermind myself as a dom.
Magick must be done. I have all of the details in my head. I know what I need to know. I understand what I need to understand. But I am not sure how to do. Because I live in my head so much now, so much of my esteem is based off of 'knowing' now. I spend all day trying to know more than the techs under me so I can be a good senior for them, and so I won't look stupid. I'm the one with the college degree in the house, so I should 'know' things, right? In a household of four elements, I am Air. Therefore, I am supposed to 'know', right?
Funny thing was my element used to be Water. I think I did better as water. It's a very sensual element.
I am obsessed with sex to a certain extent. Enough that it troubles me. I get to know people best by fucking them. And the undercurrents of sex do a lot for me. I like watching anime, because it turns me on. I actually like reading ElfQuest, because it turns me on. I haven't read much ElfQuest partially because it seems like such a big world to try and tackle. I actually kinda like furry spooge art too - just not most of the Furries I've met. I have a lot of weird tastes.
However, I don't have the overwhelming desire for it. In some ways, this seems like a failing. What sort of slut am I if I don't want it all of the time, anyway?
Part of it is that it has to engage my mind. I actually have a very short attention span. People have pointed this out to me in reference to my relationships. But really, it applies to ideas. It's shiny new ideas that distract me. And when my mind is going a different way than my libido, I am a person divided - in turmoil and weakened. When the different aspects of myself are aligned, I slip into the Now, the sorta Taoist wu wei described in teh ElfQuest books. I'm like an athelete who is in the zone - even if nothing happens, it all woks out just fine.
I did a rune reading a few months ago. The central rune was Inguz. It means weaving together and sorta looks like two sticks being woven together. I have these elements in my life that are currently separate. And I have to weave them together into a whole.
Then, I'll be smokin'.
I want to write my language, Sinnish. I want to use it for my Raptured background. But i want to use it in life. I want to write the glyphs of it as spells. I want to get a tattoo of a Sinnish glyph on my spine, just behind my second chakrah. That way, it can lock it open the way it is supposed to be. But I don't know what the language looks like yet. It's one of my many potential projects.
The Jade Mother, the Ember Man, the Twins in Silk Robes, the Protean.... all deities. They become more real to me every day.
It's a sexual thing too. I've had dreams of having sex with all of them. I still feel silly about how sexual things seem to become to me - I can feel people roll their eyes when I bring it up, even over the Internet.
But it's my destiny to fuck Gods and Goddesses. Go figure.
But that's not all of my destiny. My Gods have much more to teach me than that. But that is a part of it nonetheless.
Finally... running out of steam. Eleri will have no sympathy for me tomorrow, and I guess I wouldn't blame her. Well, I'm sure I will when she wakes me up....
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Date: 2002-11-30 06:09 am (UTC)I know all about the explosive anger thing, first and second hand. In my case it tends to be an expression of an underlying fear, and rather than accept that fear and deal with it, I lash out and protect the fear from discovery. Sometimes it feels like I am an observer in my own body and the anger is in control. I have found that anti-depressants help contain the rage, so maybe it's at least partially linked to depression. Also, I have learned to stop in mid-snarl, take a deep breath, apologize, and get away.
Parenthood is, bar none, the toughest job on the planet. Fortunately for those of us like you and me who had truly dismal parenting in our own childhoods, there are resources out there to help. In your case, with Mousie's difficulties, there are probably also support networks that will help with her issues. I have found that the closest thing to a key is to put yourself in your child's shoes and ask yourself if you would feel accepted and respected and seen if you were the child in the exchange and not the parent. Also, set limits and stick to them. Oh...and teach your children to fly their own freak flags....and accept that their freak flags may be different and strange to you as yours were to your parents (I am convinced that my oldest son is going to go through life as a stoic, thereby rebelling against his relatively hedonistic parents)
Rough times bring feelings of loneliness. I just want you to know that you have many people around you who care. Take care of yourself first, and Eleri, and the kids.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-30 09:46 am (UTC)Reply, part 1.
Date: 2002-11-30 01:27 pm (UTC)I don't think either of us will freak out. I think it's because our reactions to parental barriers are still fresh in our minds. Sure, we can look and see that some things were done 'for our own good', but we also remember how it felt to be on the other side, and what would have made it easier for us to handle. I've already had the tat discussion with Corri, and all she needed was a rational reason why she should wait. As for dealing with our kids having sex, I think we'll find a balance between being open about it, and not grossing them out with TMI about their 'rents sex lives :)
I know no one is asking me to give up these things. But I feel an unspoken pressure from all around. That it is time to put away 'childish' things. I cannot, however. I will not.
I don't ever want you to give these things up...ok, maybe the Chez Geek style consumption of Easy Cheeze where I can see it, but other than that... All of these things are a part of you, and if other people see them as childish, they're missing a huge aspect of your personality. As odd as it may sound, I felt so much better when your shoes stopped matching again. It was like the universe had gone back in place.
In a household of four elements, I am Air. Therefore, I am supposed to 'know', right?
Funny thing was my element used to be Water. I think I did better as water. It's a very sensual element.
Who says you're Air? You are so not Air. You've always been Water. No...you're CLOUDS. Your emotional self rides the currents of your intellect.
I'm Earth, Chris is Fire, Dawn is Air, you're Water.
Corri is Lava. Miri is Wind. Kris is Lightning.
However, I don't think I can deny it any longer. I am an empath. One without shields and one without experience.
I will firmly dispute the lack of experience. Everything you talk about expresses your experiences of feeling others. It's when you start second guessing your instincts that you start faltering. Ask Chris about how Clint dug himself into a second-guessing hole sometime.
Re: air vs. water
Date: 2002-11-30 10:51 pm (UTC)Re: air vs. water
Date: 2002-12-30 10:21 am (UTC)Yay! More Grinellians to lure out west in July!
Reply, part 2
Date: 2002-11-30 01:27 pm (UTC)However, I don't have the overwhelming desire for it. In some ways, this seems like a failing. What sort of slut am I if I don't want it all of the time, anyway?
Being a Slut doesn't mean an overhwelming desire for it all the time. That would be not only impractical, but distracting as well. Awareness is where it lies. Being aware of sexuality, even without desire. We'll go Crowdsurfing on Tuesday, She says it's time to raise the bar.
. I actually like reading ElfQuest, because it turns me on. I haven't read much ElfQuest partially because it seems like such a big world to try and tackle.
It is a big world, and complex. I'm not supprised you have this reaction, we're so much alike :) So much of the concepts presented therein are so much like my own. W&R just said it better than I ever could. You have to look past the pointy ears and large breasts (which I never really noticed, I was too wrapped up in the story) to the underlying currents. Yeah, a comic book shaped my life...wanna make something of it :)
Pack, tribe, clan...it's all the same. I miss it so much. It's never been anything I had on my own. Mine was built on the foundation of others, and when the foundation crumbled, I fell too. Not a few people blamed the fall on me.
You and I dream the same dreams. Some variation, based on our experiences and our situation, but the outcome it similar. Now, how do we start bringing it to reality? How do we find our tribe's home?
But I don't know what the language looks like yet.
Twining, weaving. Like tangled bodies and growing vines. I know I've seen it somewhere, I but I couldn't describe it more than that... is that what's on the Twins' robes? skin?
I can feel all of them reaching to me, She comes through the most, because She's already been made manifest. Sometimes I'm afraid to talk about my experiences with them. I don't want it to seem like I'm intruding on your revelations, or trying to steal them for myself.
There is so much about me that was formless and unnamed until you came along. I have been an Eleri-In-Potential.
I did a rune reading a few months ago. The central rune was Inguz. It means weaving together and sorta looks like two sticks being woven together. I have these elements in my life that are currently separate. And I have to weave them together into a whole.
Then, I'll be smokin'.
Do you remember our first truly sexual experience together? It wasn't your standard netsex, the visuals all were of us blending and melting and swirling in colour and form.
I think we're exactly alike, and exactly opposite all at the smae time. Does that make any sense? It does to me, but not in a way I could explain in any languages currently in existance.
But that's not all of my destiny. My Gods have much more to teach me than that. But that is a part of it nonetheless.
Lessons are never easy, especially those given to us by our Gods. Fear comes with that. Fear of the unknown, fear of discovery, fear of the shadows. But I feel no fear of them. Only awe and reverence and inspiration. Shall we go where they lead us, beloved?
hrm...
Date: 2002-11-30 04:02 pm (UTC)Different labels same thing.Remember, no one ever really grows up.
"Thus we conflict. Eleri feels I don't stand up enough, that I am too quiet and that I let people walk over me. Sometimes I do. Sometimes, I'm just handling things differently."
Remember what I have said about throws. Sometimes you fight sometimes you give
no subject
Date: 2002-11-30 06:24 pm (UTC)If you haven't learned to shield by the time I see you next, remind me to teach you some techniques. You also sound like you could use a refresher in grounding and centering -- did you ever work on that at all? Perhaps it's all my time with Wynn in a slightly-more-structured tradition, but sometimes I think you relate to magic the way I relate to math -- the big, complicated stuff is easy for you but you mess up the "basic" stuff, like (in math) multiplication and addition. That's not a criticism, but it is a concern -- without the "easy" stuff the hard stuff becomes more dangerous.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-01 11:18 pm (UTC)As for shielding, I've never got the hang of it. Partially because it never made sense to me - I've always seen myself as head-blind. I wonder if I wasn't so much head-blind as constantly burnt out. Growing up in a desert will do that to you, I think.
Grounding is something I've never had a problem with, as long as I can remember to do it. Centering... well one needs a center for that. Never been to clear on that.
Recognizing some things...
Date: 2003-01-03 07:01 pm (UTC)One thing I can offer some advice on is the rage you're talking about. You know that you are at least somewhat depressed, and I know from personal experiences with depression that it encourages anger to build up, and occasionally that anger vents in the strangest of directions... but just due to proximity, the people that anger is most likely to affect are those closest to you. Once you really understand your own brand of depression, it will probably become clear to you. I know I had a big revelation that helped me comprehend mine, and all the stuff that was going on.
The upshot is... you may want to work on your depression before jumping to the conclusion that you're not up to fatherhood. Sometimes therapy helps, sometimes antidepressants do, sometimes things just change and it goes away on its own, and sometimes the depression just won't budge. A lot of it depends on what you're looking to find from whatever help you can get your hands on.