It's Later
Jan. 1st, 2003 10:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediBut not much.
But as I am at a keyboard I can type more now.
So... New Years Eve...
I went to a little get together at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
galeogirl and b00jum's place, a.k.a. Rogue's Keep. Was kinda nice. talked to people. b00jum didn't seem upset at me because backed out of his business idea after he'd invited me into it. I got to talk a little bit and, oddly, didn't feel tense or nervous.
Then we went to Racer Dan's hotel to get ready. That's when I was a bit nervous. Thankfully we got out and to Darklady's party quickly.
We got there about 9ish, so it wasjust when things were starting to get crowded.eleri ran into lots of people happy to see her. I got to sit down with Eleri on one side of me and laurelyn22 (aka Alanna, not to be confused with Elana, who is a callahaner also from Portland) on the other. It was very nice to have my girls with me. (I was feeling very dom in a mellow sort of way, even though I didn't ask for what I really wanted). They went off to play and next thing I know, Eleri is in the play space with a couple of guys. I got to wander in and out and watch, smiling all of the while.
It may seem weird to others, but I get very happy when I can see someone I love getting fucked. I mean, I want those I love to be happy, don't I? And when Eleri is making those sounds, I know she doesn't get much happier. ;) In fact, there are times where I'd much prefer that Eleri get fucked than I. Sometimes attention on me is painful. But attention on others is a good thing.
I wandered around a bit. Watched a busty blonde get played with. Watched people watching Eleri get turned on and start fucking. Grinned a lot. Watched Alanna build a small crowd of guys around her, though she ended up spending most of the evening with Racer Dan. I even got to play with Alanna a little bit. Not a bad party.
Then....
...and then came the crash.
Another episode of blowing a circuit. I guess it was simply a matter of time - it's happened at every Darklady party I've been to and at almost every party I've been to in general.
Things will be fine. Then there is something to jar me, throw me off my stride. And I crash. I can feel myself implode, like someone has popped a balloon that has been keeping the shell of me in shape. All there is in the center of me is this emptiness (There is a good Sinnish word, for depression: empty-self, uZoma) and the force of the world is pressing in on me hard.
In that mode, I can't think properly. I desperately want someone to alliviate my pain, but any attention from anyone is painful. I wanted to hide behind Eleri constantly, but the thought of her having to endure my emptiness instead of going out and experiencing the energy around us make my emptiness feel even worse - at that time it becomes a hungry void instead of just a personal abyss. I become envious of people. Why do they get to be so happy? Why are they so much stronger? So much more interesting than I? Why do they have energy when I do not? Why are they more attractive? Why are the freer than I?
My natural tendency is to assume that wat I am currently feeling is the strongest version of that emotion. But I have remembered more and more of these times, some of them very young. I remember a party at Grinnell where I ended up behind a couch, lying very still. When people found me, I acted like I was asleep. (I did that lots of times, actually. Especially during threesomes and such. I couldnt find a way out without disturbing things and drawing attention to myself, yet I couldn't bear to be away from the energy). I remember lying in my bed in my dorm room at Grinnell, listening to people walk by, simultaneously hoping and dreading that they were coming to see me. I even remember a birthday party I went to when I was Corri's age. Some of my best friends, but they had invited tons of people and there were tons of activities going on. And I couldn't bear to get out of the car. I hid in the car. Part of my mind was asleep, I remember vague understandings of people coming to talk to me, but I remember not being able to remember what they looked like. Like my mind wasn't processing anything.
That rings a bell. I remember last night, but the parts where I was crashed so hard, seems like it isn't all there. I remember images and sounds... but I don't remember consciousness. I remember my thoughts from that time only through a thick layer of darkness - like when one is very tired and just on the edge of falling asleep. I remember being very conscious before, what Eleri looked like having sex, what Alanna looked like dancing, the feel of them both next to me. But after the crash point, not very much. I remember Rhia coming to give me a New Year's kiss. I felt the emptiness ease. However, I remember thinking that she obviously didn't feel a spark as my mind slid back down. I remember seeing Eleri get some very big and deep kisses from people (several I would have liked to get kisses from) and then sliding back down, wondering why i wasn't getting them.
But maybe that's part of understanding the mechanism. I dont just get upset, parts of my brain actually shut down. (And understanding the process is part of how i deal with it.)
And I know it's deep when I can feel myself projecting "You don't see me". I think it's the closest to true shielding I've every done. I started it in 9th grade in my Spanish class, when I didn't want the teacher to call on me to recite words. It's this sort of Obfuscation field I pull around me. My mind just wraps itself up in a layer of "Everyone should just avoid me."
I know I do this. So I don't hold it against anyone - who wants to put the effort towards someone who is screaming "go away"? That sort of 'I want you to get to know me, but you have to overcome my defenses first' bit is always self-destructive. Unless, of course, you are a cute female - then people seem to find ways to deal with it.
So, once again, I have more to say about my darkness than I do my light. it was a pretty cool party. But my darkness has control of my words, it seems.
I told someone once that I am a shadow elemental.
I am composed of shadow, in many ways. I fade out when bright lights of scrutiny come along. I fade out in comparasion with others. Not because I am less (though I have trouble of convincing myself of that a lot of the time), but because I am subtle. For a long time, I cultivated being very open and explicit about my feelings of joy in order to combat this feeling/nature. I cultivated joy in order to counteract depression. In High School, it was humor. I had to laugh, because otherwise I'd cry. In college, it was love. I gorged myself on ecstacy, because otherwise I'd waste away. And now, I fall back on interia. I continue no matter what, because if I stop, I won't get up again.
The Nocturne background resonates so deeply with me. I am a Nocturne in so many ways, allergic to the daylight.
I wish this whole talking out how you feel thing would work better. Housemates keep coming by to talk to me and I feel the weight of their attention. This is supposed to make me better, isn't it?
Or am I just wallowing?
I liked being dommy last night. I felt strong for a while. I felt I mst be interesting, if these two very interesting and attractive women were mine. I mean, I must be interesting, don't I?
I'm getting tired. I have my first work day of the year in 5-6 hrs. I don't want to sleep though. I just want to run dry and collapse.
I've been playing Civ3. I've been finding it very frustrating. I still haven't gotten the hang of the interactions. It seems to be a lot more competetive than Civ2 was. I always really liked having a nice isolationist civilization and working to make it as good as possible.
I guess the struggle for resources and land is much more realidtic than it was in Civ2. But somehow, it just seems so much less satisfying. I guess I've never been one for confrontation, even in video games.
*sigh* I'm going deaf. Well, I'm losing a good chunk of my hearing.
It's not even an exaggeration. I noticed it first a few months ago. The ringing in my ears didn't go away. I kept having to ask people on the phones to repeat themselves.
But in the last two weeks, it's gotten much worse. The ring is there all the time. And I can't understand what people are saying half the time. I've been constantly telling people I can't hear them for the last week. And when I am hearing the sounds, I am having trouble distinguishing them.
No, I haven't been to see a doctor about it. We might have the money for a co-pay, but anything beyond that, not really. I don't know why my hearing is going away. I do work on the phone all day, but other techs aren't losing their hearing. I never listened to loud music either.
I'm gonna make one more post about Sinnish, then go to bed.
But as I am at a keyboard I can type more now.
So... New Years Eve...
I went to a little get together at
galeogirl and b00jum's place, a.k.a. Rogue's Keep. Was kinda nice. talked to people. b00jum didn't seem upset at me because backed out of his business idea after he'd invited me into it. I got to talk a little bit and, oddly, didn't feel tense or nervous.Then we went to Racer Dan's hotel to get ready. That's when I was a bit nervous. Thankfully we got out and to Darklady's party quickly.
We got there about 9ish, so it wasjust when things were starting to get crowded.
eleri ran into lots of people happy to see her. I got to sit down with Eleri on one side of me and laurelyn22 (aka Alanna, not to be confused with Elana, who is a callahaner also from Portland) on the other. It was very nice to have my girls with me. (I was feeling very dom in a mellow sort of way, even though I didn't ask for what I really wanted). They went off to play and next thing I know, Eleri is in the play space with a couple of guys. I got to wander in and out and watch, smiling all of the while. It may seem weird to others, but I get very happy when I can see someone I love getting fucked. I mean, I want those I love to be happy, don't I? And when Eleri is making those sounds, I know she doesn't get much happier. ;) In fact, there are times where I'd much prefer that Eleri get fucked than I. Sometimes attention on me is painful. But attention on others is a good thing.
I wandered around a bit. Watched a busty blonde get played with. Watched people watching Eleri get turned on and start fucking. Grinned a lot. Watched Alanna build a small crowd of guys around her, though she ended up spending most of the evening with Racer Dan. I even got to play with Alanna a little bit. Not a bad party.
Then....
...and then came the crash.
Another episode of blowing a circuit. I guess it was simply a matter of time - it's happened at every Darklady party I've been to and at almost every party I've been to in general.
Things will be fine. Then there is something to jar me, throw me off my stride. And I crash. I can feel myself implode, like someone has popped a balloon that has been keeping the shell of me in shape. All there is in the center of me is this emptiness (There is a good Sinnish word, for depression: empty-self, uZoma) and the force of the world is pressing in on me hard.
In that mode, I can't think properly. I desperately want someone to alliviate my pain, but any attention from anyone is painful. I wanted to hide behind Eleri constantly, but the thought of her having to endure my emptiness instead of going out and experiencing the energy around us make my emptiness feel even worse - at that time it becomes a hungry void instead of just a personal abyss. I become envious of people. Why do they get to be so happy? Why are they so much stronger? So much more interesting than I? Why do they have energy when I do not? Why are they more attractive? Why are the freer than I?
My natural tendency is to assume that wat I am currently feeling is the strongest version of that emotion. But I have remembered more and more of these times, some of them very young. I remember a party at Grinnell where I ended up behind a couch, lying very still. When people found me, I acted like I was asleep. (I did that lots of times, actually. Especially during threesomes and such. I couldnt find a way out without disturbing things and drawing attention to myself, yet I couldn't bear to be away from the energy). I remember lying in my bed in my dorm room at Grinnell, listening to people walk by, simultaneously hoping and dreading that they were coming to see me. I even remember a birthday party I went to when I was Corri's age. Some of my best friends, but they had invited tons of people and there were tons of activities going on. And I couldn't bear to get out of the car. I hid in the car. Part of my mind was asleep, I remember vague understandings of people coming to talk to me, but I remember not being able to remember what they looked like. Like my mind wasn't processing anything.
That rings a bell. I remember last night, but the parts where I was crashed so hard, seems like it isn't all there. I remember images and sounds... but I don't remember consciousness. I remember my thoughts from that time only through a thick layer of darkness - like when one is very tired and just on the edge of falling asleep. I remember being very conscious before, what Eleri looked like having sex, what Alanna looked like dancing, the feel of them both next to me. But after the crash point, not very much. I remember Rhia coming to give me a New Year's kiss. I felt the emptiness ease. However, I remember thinking that she obviously didn't feel a spark as my mind slid back down. I remember seeing Eleri get some very big and deep kisses from people (several I would have liked to get kisses from) and then sliding back down, wondering why i wasn't getting them.
But maybe that's part of understanding the mechanism. I dont just get upset, parts of my brain actually shut down. (And understanding the process is part of how i deal with it.)
And I know it's deep when I can feel myself projecting "You don't see me". I think it's the closest to true shielding I've every done. I started it in 9th grade in my Spanish class, when I didn't want the teacher to call on me to recite words. It's this sort of Obfuscation field I pull around me. My mind just wraps itself up in a layer of "Everyone should just avoid me."
I know I do this. So I don't hold it against anyone - who wants to put the effort towards someone who is screaming "go away"? That sort of 'I want you to get to know me, but you have to overcome my defenses first' bit is always self-destructive. Unless, of course, you are a cute female - then people seem to find ways to deal with it.
So, once again, I have more to say about my darkness than I do my light. it was a pretty cool party. But my darkness has control of my words, it seems.
I told someone once that I am a shadow elemental.
I am composed of shadow, in many ways. I fade out when bright lights of scrutiny come along. I fade out in comparasion with others. Not because I am less (though I have trouble of convincing myself of that a lot of the time), but because I am subtle. For a long time, I cultivated being very open and explicit about my feelings of joy in order to combat this feeling/nature. I cultivated joy in order to counteract depression. In High School, it was humor. I had to laugh, because otherwise I'd cry. In college, it was love. I gorged myself on ecstacy, because otherwise I'd waste away. And now, I fall back on interia. I continue no matter what, because if I stop, I won't get up again.
The Nocturne background resonates so deeply with me. I am a Nocturne in so many ways, allergic to the daylight.
I wish this whole talking out how you feel thing would work better. Housemates keep coming by to talk to me and I feel the weight of their attention. This is supposed to make me better, isn't it?
Or am I just wallowing?
I liked being dommy last night. I felt strong for a while. I felt I mst be interesting, if these two very interesting and attractive women were mine. I mean, I must be interesting, don't I?
I'm getting tired. I have my first work day of the year in 5-6 hrs. I don't want to sleep though. I just want to run dry and collapse.
I've been playing Civ3. I've been finding it very frustrating. I still haven't gotten the hang of the interactions. It seems to be a lot more competetive than Civ2 was. I always really liked having a nice isolationist civilization and working to make it as good as possible.
I guess the struggle for resources and land is much more realidtic than it was in Civ2. But somehow, it just seems so much less satisfying. I guess I've never been one for confrontation, even in video games.
*sigh* I'm going deaf. Well, I'm losing a good chunk of my hearing.
It's not even an exaggeration. I noticed it first a few months ago. The ringing in my ears didn't go away. I kept having to ask people on the phones to repeat themselves.
But in the last two weeks, it's gotten much worse. The ring is there all the time. And I can't understand what people are saying half the time. I've been constantly telling people I can't hear them for the last week. And when I am hearing the sounds, I am having trouble distinguishing them.
No, I haven't been to see a doctor about it. We might have the money for a co-pay, but anything beyond that, not really. I don't know why my hearing is going away. I do work on the phone all day, but other techs aren't losing their hearing. I never listened to loud music either.
I'm gonna make one more post about Sinnish, then go to bed.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-01-02 05:50 am (UTC)just wanted to let you know that I'm listening and hearing you, even if I don't have anything really meaningful to say. I understand how it feels to suddenly switch and feel outside the energy in a crowd of people. Sometimes I find at the same time that everything suddenly seems louder, as the conversations switch from being conversations to being noise. I had this happen at a meeting at my house just over a month ago. I was the hostess, and the assistant chair, and yet I had to leave and move away, and around everything for a bit, and exited the meeting completely depressed.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-02 01:08 pm (UTC)Considering a play party is similtaneously ritualistic and a party atmosphere, the parallel is interesting.
You really need to learn to shield, man. Not knowing how to shield isn't a failure, but it's like learning to drive -- it'll make your life a lot easier.
Play parties and drops, plus tinnitis.
Date: 2003-01-04 12:14 am (UTC)These are the emotional swings that go along with your blood chemistry going from whacked out (because it's got extra endorphins and adrenaline, as well as unusual electrolyte and sugar levels) to working its way back to normal. And for me part of it was having to go back to reality, which of course I don't like, either. (What do you *mean* I need to work on the database? I wanna whip somebody! Waaaaaa!) :)
I don't know that there are good fixes for these states other than lots of aftercare for both top and bottom.
As to the deafness and ringing in the ears (tinnitis)... you may want to try scaling down caffeine consumption, avoid excess noise, and if you use aspirin, switch to ibuprofen. Those are some things that might help a little. Additionally, if you are talking to someone face-to-face and it's hard to hear, pay attention to their lips... I find that often times my mind will fill in gaps in hearing with information from what I'm seeing. It won't help if someone doesn't move their lips a lot, but with some people it will make the conversation crystal clear.
I truly hope some of this is helpful, and not just more noise. Take care.