![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediWell, I never did post that stuff about Sinnish. The computer locked up on me. So I'll go on about ther things. As usual, there is sex involved. And depression. Two great tastes that taste great together?
So Eleri asked me last night, if I end up crashing every time I go to a party (and am in a funk for a week or so following that, apparently), why do I keep going?
Because it is exactly the sort of party that I want to be comfortable at. I really liked watching Eleri play, and Alanna get mobbed. I liked watching the busty blonde get fucked on stage and having her breasts whipped (she was really yummy). I like the people there. There were a few women there that I have serious crushes on. It's really the sort of party and subculture that I always wanted to be a part of.
But part of it is that the weakness is in me somehow. And I can't stand that. I can't stand that I am keeping myself away from ecstasy. I can't stand that my weakness makes these things more difficult for Eleri. Nothing makes me upset more than getting in people's way.
And it feels like a failure not to try. A spiritual failure. This party, this subculture, is just seething with the Pulse of Life. And the fact that the Pulse blows me out is a failure. And I can feel possibilities where it wouldn't (this is part of my gender dysphoria - I grok that this wouldn't happen in the body I was meant for). Maybe that is part of the point - I have to figure out how to get there the hard way this time. Maybe it's a sort of morphigenic field thing - once I get there the right way, it becomes easier to do in general.
But my Goddess has called me here, to this place and to that sort of activity. It' hurts like hell, because it feels like I am failing my purpose.
And I don't want to do that.
Something I realized last night: sometimes I enjoy watching more than I enjoy participating. Maybe Im just a pervert at heart.
I watched Moulin Rouge again last night. Gotta remember: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."
So Eleri asked me last night, if I end up crashing every time I go to a party (and am in a funk for a week or so following that, apparently), why do I keep going?
Because it is exactly the sort of party that I want to be comfortable at. I really liked watching Eleri play, and Alanna get mobbed. I liked watching the busty blonde get fucked on stage and having her breasts whipped (she was really yummy). I like the people there. There were a few women there that I have serious crushes on. It's really the sort of party and subculture that I always wanted to be a part of.
But part of it is that the weakness is in me somehow. And I can't stand that. I can't stand that I am keeping myself away from ecstasy. I can't stand that my weakness makes these things more difficult for Eleri. Nothing makes me upset more than getting in people's way.
And it feels like a failure not to try. A spiritual failure. This party, this subculture, is just seething with the Pulse of Life. And the fact that the Pulse blows me out is a failure. And I can feel possibilities where it wouldn't (this is part of my gender dysphoria - I grok that this wouldn't happen in the body I was meant for). Maybe that is part of the point - I have to figure out how to get there the hard way this time. Maybe it's a sort of morphigenic field thing - once I get there the right way, it becomes easier to do in general.
But my Goddess has called me here, to this place and to that sort of activity. It' hurts like hell, because it feels like I am failing my purpose.
And I don't want to do that.
Something I realized last night: sometimes I enjoy watching more than I enjoy participating. Maybe Im just a pervert at heart.
I watched Moulin Rouge again last night. Gotta remember: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-01-02 12:42 pm (UTC)Look, man, there are some things people are capable of handling and things that certain people are not. Learning your limits and acknowledging them is not a failure. And sometimes you find you can't do something you want to.
I don't see why you "should" be able to go to those parties just because, in some ways, they match with your personality, if in other ways they don't. You play with the parameters, you find what's comfortable and you work with that. If you're blowing a fuse then you're not failing -- you're pushing yourself too hard and you should stop.
"Doctor, it hurts when I do that?" "Then don't do that!" "But I like doing it... up to a point." "Then learn when to stop."
Also, what half-measures have you tried? Can you tell when a circuit is getting close to blowing? Does taking a break -- going out for fresh air, taking a walk, going off to play with your handheld (no pun intended), whatever you can do to cool off -- help? Look, social stimulation is like sexual stimulation, especially when they're mixed -- there is such a thing as "too intense" and there's nothing wrong with learning how to back off. Ask anyone who's had to deal with premature ejaculation.
mylove
Date: 2003-01-16 06:09 pm (UTC)Can you bring a book to revert to when you crash. When you feel your about to crash just resort to reading a book?
A book or embroidery always helped me when i started to get over stimulated. The same sort of thing that happens to you, happens to me, just not as extreme. (Unless I've totally missed my mark on this topic.)
Bring something with you that will help your crashing. Theres no reason why you should stop going to Darklady's parties. (Stop me if i'm wrong) You look forward to 'em. You love watching me and Eleri. I'll have more for you to watch in the future huni.
Think about how you can help yourself or how Eleri and I can help you.
We love you, we are here to help. You have only but to ask.
-kisses-