A lot to say
Jan. 15th, 2003 06:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediWell, lots of little bits....
I'm tired and stiff, so I apologize if this seems a little bit out of it.
Who am I?
This has been a lot on my mind lately. Ten years ago, I would have been about to give you an answer. Not an exact answer, but a general answer. But after a decade of changes, compromises and stresses, I'm not too sure anymore.
Except for areas where I have been significantly challenged, I haven't really put much effort into self-definition. And in general I tend to adapt instead of standing my ground. A friend in college said a quote from Crowley best described me: "His name is writ in water." Another one said he couldn't fully trust me because I was so intent on making people happy and getting along with them that I would shift back and forth. I would truly believe whatever I thought at the time, but it would chnage in reaction to any other force. I guess that's a nice way of saying 'wishy-washy' or 'wuss'.
I grew up with the idea that if I just understood other people completely, I'd be able to get along with them. And I looked around and saw so many things that people held as writ, but simply didn't look that way to me. So I couldn't trust such writ - it seemed that very little was actually true. I saw people who deluded themselves. I saw people who were ignorant. I saw people who chose baseless faith over evidence.
So I began to wonder. Am I deluded? Am I ignorant? Am I chosing baseless faith over evidence? I began to doubt myself. For if there were so many other people who were obviously in their own little detached reality, what made me think that I wasn't?
This idea drives me quite a bit. I think I see things. But what makes me think that I'm any better than anyone else? That I am privy to a special insight? Isn't that just the same sort of hubris that I have seen in others? How do I know, when I look at someone and think "Wow, they really just don't get it" that they aren't thinking the same about me? And which one is right?
Thus, I have an inherent distrust for my perceptions. And I have an inherent distrust for things I haven't directly perceived, as I understand how easily colored things can become when filtered through another person. Nothing seems definite to me except verifiable facts and some irrational feelings/concepts in my mind that I cannot deny. This makes the world difficult for me, as almost none of it is aboyt verifiable facts or the zxioms in my head. The questions don't make sense to me in some ways. "What is best for the kids?", "What is fair for everyone?","What do I deserve? What should I give?","Am I doing enough?"
In some ways, it seems like I simply don't understand some things that seem very basic and instinctive to other people. I feel very... off. As I used to say in high school, I feel 15 inches too far to the left. These things seem so easy or natural to other people. Knowing what is right. Having definite opinions that you see an unassailable. Being able to figure out who to listen to and who to ignore.
My life lately has been stressful. A lot of 'he said, she said' from all sides. This person thinks this is inappropriate. That person thinks this person is unreasonable, or dangerous, or just a jerk. And I don't quite see all these things. I just try to live my life with my little insecurities and neuroses. Maybe I am just too wrapped up in myself to notice the rest of the world. maybe I am just a simple person, albeit with some complex pleasures.
I don't know. And that's the ultimate problem. I don't know when to stand up, or even how. I don't know what right or what is wrong, exactly. Partially because what makes sense to me doesn't seem to make sense to most everyone else.
I very often don't know what I know about something until I am asked. Or exactly how I feel until I encounter something. Reality has to do with boundries, I guess.
And I wonder if there is any solution. Or if my lack of identity is the aberration.
Am I the only person who used to have daydreams as a kid of having other people's memories? Fantasies of absorbing other people's experiences so I could feel being two people at once? Who still fantasies about transmogrifying my mind and body to be unlike I am, to constantly become something different, or fantastical?
Maybe I am OtherKin.. I remember some Otherkin stuff I read talking about Proteans, changers. Maybe that's why when I am with someone, I feel like them.
Maybe I just need to find a center. I can ground really well. I can't center. And i can't shield myself very well because I have no center I can discern to protect.
As usual, I don't know.
I've been thinking about Lord of the Rings again.
There is an obvious allusion to the dangers of industry in the story. Saruman is obviously enamored with progress and the subjugation and exploitation of the natural word. Mordor and Isengard are definitely industrialized nations that are going unchecked - they are ecological disasters. Tolkein seems to be warning against unfettered progress. I think that is an obvious theme.
There is another theme, though, that people tend to miss. The rings (of which the One Ring was forged to control and control through) were made by the elves in an attempt to hold back the turning of the ages - they were designed to keep the world the same as it was. That's why the Ring keeps Gollum and Bilbo alive - one of the basic functions of the rings is to balk the flow of time. Sauron forges the One Ring to use as a conduit for his control over those who wear the other great rings. The attempt to hold back the progression of the natural order leads to a sort of spiritual disaster - the One Ring - that is every bit as apocolyptic and destructive as the ecological terrors of Mordor and Isengard.
I got my books! I got my books!
See, when I graduated from Grinnell, I was planning to move to Boston. So I gave Fir a bunch of my books to take with her so I didn't have to ship them. Then, things got weird and I ended up moving to Oregon.
It's 3+ years later. Fir moved to Florida and left my books with Rabbit instead of getting around to sending them to me. Rabbit sent me my books and I have them now!
There are books in there I forgot I had. Some I never finished reading. Some I desperately want to read now that I have them again. I have a bunch of my Mage books now (including the Book of Worlds, the original nine tradition books, Fragile Path) as well as my GURPS books (Martial Arts, Supers, Time Travel, Religion, et. al). I also have my good Bible as well as the Other Bible (thats the title), the Koran, the Principia Discordia (SJGames version), a few other religion books. And I have my copies of Leary's Info-Psychology and the novel of the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension!
I am so stoked. I'm not gonna have any spare time now ;)
Relax... just relax and things will be alright. Stay true to myself, whoever that is....
I'm tired and stiff, so I apologize if this seems a little bit out of it.
Who am I?
This has been a lot on my mind lately. Ten years ago, I would have been about to give you an answer. Not an exact answer, but a general answer. But after a decade of changes, compromises and stresses, I'm not too sure anymore.
Except for areas where I have been significantly challenged, I haven't really put much effort into self-definition. And in general I tend to adapt instead of standing my ground. A friend in college said a quote from Crowley best described me: "His name is writ in water." Another one said he couldn't fully trust me because I was so intent on making people happy and getting along with them that I would shift back and forth. I would truly believe whatever I thought at the time, but it would chnage in reaction to any other force. I guess that's a nice way of saying 'wishy-washy' or 'wuss'.
I grew up with the idea that if I just understood other people completely, I'd be able to get along with them. And I looked around and saw so many things that people held as writ, but simply didn't look that way to me. So I couldn't trust such writ - it seemed that very little was actually true. I saw people who deluded themselves. I saw people who were ignorant. I saw people who chose baseless faith over evidence.
So I began to wonder. Am I deluded? Am I ignorant? Am I chosing baseless faith over evidence? I began to doubt myself. For if there were so many other people who were obviously in their own little detached reality, what made me think that I wasn't?
This idea drives me quite a bit. I think I see things. But what makes me think that I'm any better than anyone else? That I am privy to a special insight? Isn't that just the same sort of hubris that I have seen in others? How do I know, when I look at someone and think "Wow, they really just don't get it" that they aren't thinking the same about me? And which one is right?
Thus, I have an inherent distrust for my perceptions. And I have an inherent distrust for things I haven't directly perceived, as I understand how easily colored things can become when filtered through another person. Nothing seems definite to me except verifiable facts and some irrational feelings/concepts in my mind that I cannot deny. This makes the world difficult for me, as almost none of it is aboyt verifiable facts or the zxioms in my head. The questions don't make sense to me in some ways. "What is best for the kids?", "What is fair for everyone?","What do I deserve? What should I give?","Am I doing enough?"
In some ways, it seems like I simply don't understand some things that seem very basic and instinctive to other people. I feel very... off. As I used to say in high school, I feel 15 inches too far to the left. These things seem so easy or natural to other people. Knowing what is right. Having definite opinions that you see an unassailable. Being able to figure out who to listen to and who to ignore.
My life lately has been stressful. A lot of 'he said, she said' from all sides. This person thinks this is inappropriate. That person thinks this person is unreasonable, or dangerous, or just a jerk. And I don't quite see all these things. I just try to live my life with my little insecurities and neuroses. Maybe I am just too wrapped up in myself to notice the rest of the world. maybe I am just a simple person, albeit with some complex pleasures.
I don't know. And that's the ultimate problem. I don't know when to stand up, or even how. I don't know what right or what is wrong, exactly. Partially because what makes sense to me doesn't seem to make sense to most everyone else.
I very often don't know what I know about something until I am asked. Or exactly how I feel until I encounter something. Reality has to do with boundries, I guess.
And I wonder if there is any solution. Or if my lack of identity is the aberration.
Am I the only person who used to have daydreams as a kid of having other people's memories? Fantasies of absorbing other people's experiences so I could feel being two people at once? Who still fantasies about transmogrifying my mind and body to be unlike I am, to constantly become something different, or fantastical?
Maybe I am OtherKin.. I remember some Otherkin stuff I read talking about Proteans, changers. Maybe that's why when I am with someone, I feel like them.
Maybe I just need to find a center. I can ground really well. I can't center. And i can't shield myself very well because I have no center I can discern to protect.
As usual, I don't know.
I've been thinking about Lord of the Rings again.
There is an obvious allusion to the dangers of industry in the story. Saruman is obviously enamored with progress and the subjugation and exploitation of the natural word. Mordor and Isengard are definitely industrialized nations that are going unchecked - they are ecological disasters. Tolkein seems to be warning against unfettered progress. I think that is an obvious theme.
There is another theme, though, that people tend to miss. The rings (of which the One Ring was forged to control and control through) were made by the elves in an attempt to hold back the turning of the ages - they were designed to keep the world the same as it was. That's why the Ring keeps Gollum and Bilbo alive - one of the basic functions of the rings is to balk the flow of time. Sauron forges the One Ring to use as a conduit for his control over those who wear the other great rings. The attempt to hold back the progression of the natural order leads to a sort of spiritual disaster - the One Ring - that is every bit as apocolyptic and destructive as the ecological terrors of Mordor and Isengard.
I got my books! I got my books!
See, when I graduated from Grinnell, I was planning to move to Boston. So I gave Fir a bunch of my books to take with her so I didn't have to ship them. Then, things got weird and I ended up moving to Oregon.
It's 3+ years later. Fir moved to Florida and left my books with Rabbit instead of getting around to sending them to me. Rabbit sent me my books and I have them now!
There are books in there I forgot I had. Some I never finished reading. Some I desperately want to read now that I have them again. I have a bunch of my Mage books now (including the Book of Worlds, the original nine tradition books, Fragile Path) as well as my GURPS books (Martial Arts, Supers, Time Travel, Religion, et. al). I also have my good Bible as well as the Other Bible (thats the title), the Koran, the Principia Discordia (SJGames version), a few other religion books. And I have my copies of Leary's Info-Psychology and the novel of the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension!
I am so stoked. I'm not gonna have any spare time now ;)
Relax... just relax and things will be alright. Stay true to myself, whoever that is....
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-16 07:59 am (UTC)to my dear friend
Date: 2003-01-20 07:52 am (UTC)For most of 2002 I was dealing with the issues of: am no longer in school, I no longer dance as much as I used to, Where is the SCA in my life? How does it fit in? Who are my friends, Where do I go? I'm always tired, I'm working 40hrs a week and no longer taking care of myself to work a 40hr work week like I did from sept 09-04-01 (my date of hire, to early in the yr 2002.
I am begining to find that not only is your life composed of >what you do, what you think, and where you go< but also the planning there of. What you want to do, what you want to learn, and where you want to go.
I see you making leaps and bounds towards that goal love. It, fustratingly, takes time.
At work, too many calls interrupting, I'm losing train of thought.