Stream of Consciousness
Mar. 19th, 2003 10:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediYou see me now the veteran of a thousand psychic wars...
What do I say? Hell at home, hell at work, hell on earth.
Home is tense. People have stopped attempting to pretend that the care about each other. We are at the point where what we have are accusations and buried outrage and not much else. It's disheartening to discover that no matter how you try, you can't help people see the other's perspective. That's why I no longer believe in human harmony, nor in my ability to love anyone - sometimes differences are too much. Humanity continues not by uniting, but by diversifying into different communities and cultures. Guess that's no surprise to the biologists out there.
The avalanche has begun. It's too late for the pebbles to vote.
What is a pebble to do? Send letters to the White House? I had typed up my letters to the White House and to my congresspeople when the ultimatum came out. What was the point after that? I read an article by a guy at the Cato Institue a few weeks ago. He said that out strategy for dealing with Iraq and the surrounding political debacle didn't make sense if our goal was, in fact, to disarm Iraq. It only made sense if our goal was to invade.
I was watching TV. The anchor made a point to mention that militarily speaking, we'd been preparing or this invasion for 6 to 9 months. That makes sense - takes a lot of time to position that many forces. But that really points something out - the decision on this was really made 6 to 9 months ago. This party started last year.
Am I the only one who sees this as Bush trying to finish what Daddy started? Somewhere in the afterlife, Freud is having a field day.
I know several people in the Middle East now. Elizabeth Ryan-Matley (aka Mitch), a butch lesbian from my team at work. She got activated last week. My brother-in-law Craig Swepson. He's a civilian. Believe it or not, he works with sea lions. You see, they use them to guard ports against divers (they look for divers they don't know and then attach a clamp on a leg or arm which starts a homing beacon). Another guy at work might get tapped - he's ex-Army, but his specialty was nuclear, biological and chemical clean up.
I am of limited resources. I have a family to take care of. A failed hosuehold to extract myself from and help organize to a point where everyone has a chance at what they need. I have a job to go to every day. And I have to do it while preventing myself from getting emotionally shredded and with the understanding that any action I take will be perceived as an attack or a slight against someone. I have come to see that as an unavoidable fact. I have limited resources, and I must apply them only when I feel I can affect change. Otherwise, energy I don't have is wasted.
In that situation, what do I do when my country is starting a war I simply don't support. I don't buy connecting Iraq to al-Qaeda. I don't buy that Iraq is a threat (how much has it threatened us in the last 12 years? zilch). In terms of not complying with UN resolutions, that's up to the UN to enforce. This war is a waste.
I guess you could say I'm a conscientious objector.
But will a protest actually change anything? I don't think so. I'm not sure that a letter will either. Or a phone call or an email. What does one do?
Once again, I can't see anything that will affect any positive change than what I do already - try to make the world better one person at a time, but showering people with love and joy and showing them to ecstasy and happiness. Quiet, continuing rapturism, to counter terrorism, in the world at large, in the government and in my own home.
Is that a cop out?
I remain who I am. Though I have had to do things that I don't agree with in order to continue. But I have to act as is my nature. I don't have much else of real substance.
Nonetheless, I am wrestling with who I am. I worry that I am obsessed/obsessive. With Sex. With Sinnish. The thing is that I express love partially through sex. Wanting to fuck someone for me is very close to saying a I love you. And I dwell on this a lot. Because I see the looks in people's eyes when I talk about it, sense the tone in their instant messages ("Oh look, Blade is talking about sex again. Who would have thunk it, eh?") I can't get past the need to explain it all to people, in hopes that they will understand and I won't feel so alone, or silly about it.
When everything feels like the movies, I just want you to know who I am.
I love fast and hard. I love long and short. I love many not because I can, but because I must, or else I am not really loving. I can love over an Internet connection or in person. I can love with every day contact. I can love with once a year contact. I love because it is who I am. And it's all powerful. It's life. It's God. Love, connection, intimacy, sex - it's all part of the same thing. And people don't understand, even many who have been closest to me.
I am a vigilante lover. I love because it is the right thing to do. I love every time I have the opportunity. I love by any means necessary.
Work is tiring. We are understaffed and our workload is increasing. Our vendor just announced that they were bringing more business to us, in the form of longer hours and more email support. I'm not sure how that's gonna work - we can barely keep up with what we have now. I am supporting products and services that I don't have the time to become experienced with enough to do my job and the techs can tell. But we have no resources to give me the training or experience I need.
It wears me thin. But I must remember the words of St. McMacken: "They don't pay me enough to be unhappy."
I need to get out of the house more. I know several people whom I could become friends with. But I am afraid to allow myself. One, because I think I will want more than they. Two, because I feel like I am robbing my family of energy and effort when I do so. Three, because I am afraid that I will infect people with my problems, with the drama I tend to fill my life with. Four, I am afraid I will disappoint them, that I will promise to be interesting and brave and turn out to be meek and dull and unstable. As Rabbit once said of me, I am sometimes nothing but a bundle of insecurities.
I am what I am, I think.
I am shadow. I've come to realize that I'm a sort of Otherkin, Shadowkin. I don't like being in direct light or scrutiny. I like working quietly. I don't like having a huge fuss made. I like slipping in and out. I like sitting back and watching. I like being disconnected sometimes. I like feeling insubstantial sometimes. I like dark and quiet most of the time. I like riding the wake of people sometimes. I like existing in darkness, as a warm friendly anchor. I like exploring and living the boundries of mysteries (in the 'ancient mysteries' sense).
And I am paradox. I want to be immersed in sensuality, but I become oversensitive very quickly. I want a radical life, but I am very complacent. I can see beauty all around me, but none in myself. I can forgive easily, except myself. I want magick, but I fear it as well.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Well, I am losing steam. And losing stream. more later maybe.
End of line.
What do I say? Hell at home, hell at work, hell on earth.
Home is tense. People have stopped attempting to pretend that the care about each other. We are at the point where what we have are accusations and buried outrage and not much else. It's disheartening to discover that no matter how you try, you can't help people see the other's perspective. That's why I no longer believe in human harmony, nor in my ability to love anyone - sometimes differences are too much. Humanity continues not by uniting, but by diversifying into different communities and cultures. Guess that's no surprise to the biologists out there.
The avalanche has begun. It's too late for the pebbles to vote.
What is a pebble to do? Send letters to the White House? I had typed up my letters to the White House and to my congresspeople when the ultimatum came out. What was the point after that? I read an article by a guy at the Cato Institue a few weeks ago. He said that out strategy for dealing with Iraq and the surrounding political debacle didn't make sense if our goal was, in fact, to disarm Iraq. It only made sense if our goal was to invade.
I was watching TV. The anchor made a point to mention that militarily speaking, we'd been preparing or this invasion for 6 to 9 months. That makes sense - takes a lot of time to position that many forces. But that really points something out - the decision on this was really made 6 to 9 months ago. This party started last year.
Am I the only one who sees this as Bush trying to finish what Daddy started? Somewhere in the afterlife, Freud is having a field day.
I know several people in the Middle East now. Elizabeth Ryan-Matley (aka Mitch), a butch lesbian from my team at work. She got activated last week. My brother-in-law Craig Swepson. He's a civilian. Believe it or not, he works with sea lions. You see, they use them to guard ports against divers (they look for divers they don't know and then attach a clamp on a leg or arm which starts a homing beacon). Another guy at work might get tapped - he's ex-Army, but his specialty was nuclear, biological and chemical clean up.
I am of limited resources. I have a family to take care of. A failed hosuehold to extract myself from and help organize to a point where everyone has a chance at what they need. I have a job to go to every day. And I have to do it while preventing myself from getting emotionally shredded and with the understanding that any action I take will be perceived as an attack or a slight against someone. I have come to see that as an unavoidable fact. I have limited resources, and I must apply them only when I feel I can affect change. Otherwise, energy I don't have is wasted.
In that situation, what do I do when my country is starting a war I simply don't support. I don't buy connecting Iraq to al-Qaeda. I don't buy that Iraq is a threat (how much has it threatened us in the last 12 years? zilch). In terms of not complying with UN resolutions, that's up to the UN to enforce. This war is a waste.
I guess you could say I'm a conscientious objector.
But will a protest actually change anything? I don't think so. I'm not sure that a letter will either. Or a phone call or an email. What does one do?
Once again, I can't see anything that will affect any positive change than what I do already - try to make the world better one person at a time, but showering people with love and joy and showing them to ecstasy and happiness. Quiet, continuing rapturism, to counter terrorism, in the world at large, in the government and in my own home.
Is that a cop out?
I remain who I am. Though I have had to do things that I don't agree with in order to continue. But I have to act as is my nature. I don't have much else of real substance.
Nonetheless, I am wrestling with who I am. I worry that I am obsessed/obsessive. With Sex. With Sinnish. The thing is that I express love partially through sex. Wanting to fuck someone for me is very close to saying a I love you. And I dwell on this a lot. Because I see the looks in people's eyes when I talk about it, sense the tone in their instant messages ("Oh look, Blade is talking about sex again. Who would have thunk it, eh?") I can't get past the need to explain it all to people, in hopes that they will understand and I won't feel so alone, or silly about it.
When everything feels like the movies, I just want you to know who I am.
I love fast and hard. I love long and short. I love many not because I can, but because I must, or else I am not really loving. I can love over an Internet connection or in person. I can love with every day contact. I can love with once a year contact. I love because it is who I am. And it's all powerful. It's life. It's God. Love, connection, intimacy, sex - it's all part of the same thing. And people don't understand, even many who have been closest to me.
I am a vigilante lover. I love because it is the right thing to do. I love every time I have the opportunity. I love by any means necessary.
Work is tiring. We are understaffed and our workload is increasing. Our vendor just announced that they were bringing more business to us, in the form of longer hours and more email support. I'm not sure how that's gonna work - we can barely keep up with what we have now. I am supporting products and services that I don't have the time to become experienced with enough to do my job and the techs can tell. But we have no resources to give me the training or experience I need.
It wears me thin. But I must remember the words of St. McMacken: "They don't pay me enough to be unhappy."
I need to get out of the house more. I know several people whom I could become friends with. But I am afraid to allow myself. One, because I think I will want more than they. Two, because I feel like I am robbing my family of energy and effort when I do so. Three, because I am afraid that I will infect people with my problems, with the drama I tend to fill my life with. Four, I am afraid I will disappoint them, that I will promise to be interesting and brave and turn out to be meek and dull and unstable. As Rabbit once said of me, I am sometimes nothing but a bundle of insecurities.
I am what I am, I think.
I am shadow. I've come to realize that I'm a sort of Otherkin, Shadowkin. I don't like being in direct light or scrutiny. I like working quietly. I don't like having a huge fuss made. I like slipping in and out. I like sitting back and watching. I like being disconnected sometimes. I like feeling insubstantial sometimes. I like dark and quiet most of the time. I like riding the wake of people sometimes. I like existing in darkness, as a warm friendly anchor. I like exploring and living the boundries of mysteries (in the 'ancient mysteries' sense).
And I am paradox. I want to be immersed in sensuality, but I become oversensitive very quickly. I want a radical life, but I am very complacent. I can see beauty all around me, but none in myself. I can forgive easily, except myself. I want magick, but I fear it as well.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Well, I am losing steam. And losing stream. more later maybe.
End of line.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 12:27 am (UTC)I just wanted to say that I love and miss you a lot. A LOT a lot.
As I'm not doing much of anything these days, I'll try to send you my excess energy. *soft smile* And my nonchalant attitude. At times that can be invaluable.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 06:57 am (UTC)What she said.
Learning to direct your energy properly is the hardest thing a human being can try to do. Hell, it's half the point of Taoism.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 10:21 pm (UTC)or find me on AIM :)