(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

For years, I have been trying to explain certain of my ideas about sexuality. It's nigh on an obsession, to the point where I've almost gotten accustomed to the rolling of eyes whenever I mention sexuality at all, and the telltale 'oh god, Blade is talking about sex again but I'll pretend to be interested' look on people's faces. If I don't get that, I begin to wonder if I'm feeling well. And I know of a few friends who gauge my mood by how much I am flirting with them.

Yet I have found myself confused and intimidated by a lot of the truly intensely sexual people I have met. This has happened more often as I've spent some time in the local BDSM community and met a high concentration of sexually-charged people. It really is the crumbling of a superiority-complex. For a while, I felt I could give anyone something special in a sexual relationship, something they simply couldn't get elsewhere. I felt special. Blessed. But I've met people who seem much more blessed than I. And I wonder what my purpose is, how am I special.

It occurred to me that I have a different view of all these things than most everyone, even in the kink communities. A lot of people are doing things (and people). But I seem to be considering them more. My view of sexuality and my libido is incredibly intellectual - in the sense that I think a lot about the details in a philosophical sort of way. And my libido is very directly linked to how I am thinking - I don't really feel horny in my body, but in my head (maybe that os due to my gender dysphoria). Robert Anton Wilson talks about the court cards in the Tarot are crosses of facets of personalities - he talks about the cross of the intellectual and the sexual being the sort of person who studied tantra and sex magick and such. That sounds like me - a very intellectual approach to a very primal thing. For most people, it seems sex is an escape - a way of zoning out. For me, it's a very focusing experience. When it doesn't focus me, I feel really unsatisfied, like it all passed by and I missed it instead of feeling overwhelmed and immersed.

I've tried some more intellectually and magickally oriented sexual practices. However, they've left me cold. Tantra and a lot of the sacred sexuality communities seem, really, very sterile. It raises energy and all, but it doesn't feel like the same sort of energy - like going to drink a soda and finding out is is distilled water. There is no flavor to it. And it doesn't feel nourishing to me. I think it is because of the sort of sexuality that resonates with me is very....kinky?

Now we hit a problem I've bene having for years. I don't have the right words to describe what I want to say. I used to tell people that I saw the word 'slut' differently than most people. That I saw it as a sort of divine madness, a connection to the unnderlying pulse of life. However, there are those who are truly promiscuous and destructive because of it (whether it be self-destructive or whathaveyou), 'sluts' in the traditional sense of the word. I found that I like the feeling and atmosphere of these 'slutty' things much more than tantra - Darklady's sex-positive parties resonate and seem to have a lot more 'divine' energy in them than the tantra things I've seen and done.

But I still had problems describing the feelings and the atmosphere. The words seem to not convey it all. 'Slutty' is closest, but there are tons of baggage that come with it - a sense of lack of control, a sense of selfish hedonism, a lack of thought and/or respect and a general sense of Bad(tm). 'Kinky' is close too, but it seems a little too generic. There is no power, and it has an implication of simply bizarre. 'Dirty' and 'filthy' all have the wrong implications as well. 'Naughty' sounds too childish. 'Sexy' is too generic.

So I decided to make a Sinnish word for it. (go Sapir-Whorf!). The word is 'saZ'. It's a verb that means 'slutty in a good, focused, not-crude, constructive way' I guess. And as it is an expression for an idea I can't articulate otherwise, it seems it's a concept I casn look at and go 'yes it is saZ-y' or 'no, not saZ at all'.

Now, more interestingly, this is very similar to the word for 'Rapture' as in my story 'saZda'. And the concepts are really related anyway, so I decided to follow that. That the Rapture is specifically 'saZ', as opposed to just generic sexuality. It is a manifestion of sexuality in a very raw, primal form, but powerful.

Now take this a step further. In Sinnish, it's considered good form to make new words out of compounds. add 'redka', which is 'magic' and 'saZ' and we get 'redkasaZ'. redkasaZ == slut magick.

So, there is the sort of magick that resonates for me: slut magick. Nit just sex magick, but a sexually-based magickal process with the 'saZ' atmosphere, style and philosophy. Like tantra, it's the same bits, but with the Rapture philosophy in addition to it. This folds nicely into the 'Rapture pantheon' I am developing - the Jade Mother, Ember Man, Twins in Silk, etc.

Comments

I think I might get it....

[wolfprincess.livejournal.com]

I may be totally wrong but saZ is an overtly sexually charged euphoria. A sort of other worldly feeling related to something obviously sexual?

Re: I think I might get it....

[vaxjedi]

Sort of, yeah. It's explicitly sexual and sexually explicit in a kinky sort of way, but not crude or demeaning. Like the quote from Woody Allen "Sex is a messy thing, if it's done correctly." But unlike a lot of views of sexuality, it's empowering. saZ-y porn is not objectification, it's celebration. saZ-y fucking is like fucking God and Goddess and having them whisper dirty things in your ear while you do it.

It's slutty if slutty was a virtue. Creative, healthy slutty.

[tropism.livejournal.com]

I think that I understand what you mean, though I'm having a hard time putting it any better than you are.

I keep thinking of temple whores, though.