(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

I had a long post about who I am, and how I am.

But the computer crashed on me. I lost it.



Doesn't that just remind you how impermenant things really are. How brave words and beauty and drama can be destroyed so easily. How inspiration can be lost. How strength is fleeting.

But the words are still in my head. The feelings are still there. Maybe they are no longer a part of the written word - but my reality still remains. Sometimes it frustrates me that I can turn these ideas into words, that I can't write the novels and essays that are in my head. That I cannot build the worlds that I see, either due to lack of time and energy or lack of skill or ambition.

But it's still in my head. I haven't lost anything. I am not less because I have not written.

So I lost all my words. I got onto the computer late at night to write epic words. Things that would inspire a later self. And maybe someone else. And maybe, just maybe, some one would see my words and go "Blade is cool! I never really noticed before."

But they are just words. And while I am often good with words, they are not my medium. I am a poet of the body and a poet of the soul. I am a disciple of Whitman.

I SING the Body electric;
The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them;
They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,
And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the Soul.

That's magick, don't you think?

And how many things around me are hollow? Without reality? How much of the universe is, in fact, virtual?

The honest fact is my household and family may not exist in a few months. And I've worried about that for so long. That the $5 I spend on lunch is going to be the last straw. Or the night I spend going to a friend's house instead of cleaning the house, or watching the kids. That something I do is going to send everyone spiralling into the shitstorm that is coming one way or another. Then it'll be my fault.

Isn't amazing how much fear can dominate our lives? My life?

I don't want to be afraid anymore. This household is going away, one way or another. Maybe it will transform, like a pheonix. Maybe it will disintgrate. Maybe it will explode. Maybe it will just rot away. But I'm not going anywhere. It is impermanent. I am not. Nor is how I feel and who I feel for.

That's what seems to elude me. The fact that I am not unreal. I think I should be. That I should be malleable and adaptable and ephemeral. The fact is that I am not. Which is why i have troubles changing, fitting into other worlds. Because I feel I must take on a role. Yet, I cannot. That's why I have never really accepted any magickal training from anyone - I would have to empty the cup in order for it to be filled. And I do not want to be emptied.

I told Eleri once that I have had all of my ideas about love and God and life and power and magick since high school and earlier - I just didn't have the clever words for them that i picked up later. Other people put it better than I. But in essence, I have not changed. Just my list of quotes and things to do in the morning has.

That seems so arrogant. To say that I exist as an axiom. I was always told I was smart and charismatic and interesting by my family. They always told me not to be arrogant as well. So, in some ways, I assumed that I must be. People wouldnt keep bringing it up if it wasn't an issue, right?

One of these days, I will see the blinding light and I will Chill Out and Learn to Love the Bomb.

I just recently saw Moulin Rouge. It said "The greatest thing you'll ever learn it just to love and to be loved in return."

I knew that, once. I know it now. I'm just out of practice.

Love does not conquer all - love is all.

Let the world fall apart. I will love as only I am capable of.
And to anyone who has a problem with it: fuck you.

Hallelujah anyway.

Comments

[foxy706368.livejournal.com]

Dang! Hallelujah is right!!!!!

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

Right on, my brother.

Ride the wave.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

Strength, beauty and inspiration are fleeting because time is fleeting. We don't *need* all those things all the time, so our access to them is limited to the times in which we need them. Probably so we don't take them for granted... If we were always strong, or always surrounded by beauty, or always inspired, how would we tell?

"Time is what exists so that everything doesn't happen all at once."

[smcwhort.livejournal.com]

Lots to think about.

You may not be poorer because you haven't written, but we are.

Most of our mental universes are virtual, I think, and absurd to boot. Just think about money, or patriotism, civic duty, right and wrong. So much counts on everyone thinking about certain things in similar ways.

And it's not strange how much fear can dominate a life. Some lives are nothing but responses to fear, in fact. Many. Perhaps most.

You don't feel infinitely malleable, able to play any role a situation demands. The opposite would be to say that there's nothing in your core that you feel is worth preserving ... which is horrible! You show later that you realize this, but I'd like to emphasize to you that there are parts of you critical to being you. Out of those you can build your own forms of integrity, morals, rules of getting along, etc.

Both you and Eleri have been giving off doom&gloom rumblings about your living situation lately. If you live with reasonably rational people, there ought to be some way of gracefully pulling apart instead of blowing apart ... or so I hope for all of you.

I wish both of you well ... let us know how things are turning out, please?

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes I miss people because I haven't been with them in a while, other times I miss them just because they're not around to say "I love you" to. And you can't just go around saying that to passers-by or co-workers, especially co-workers whose type you aren't.