(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

I had some interesting thoughts on the nature of depression (or at least MY depression)....

I was pondering the fact that people tend to defend their depression very aggressively. I know that I have a tendency to try to argue against any attempt to cheer me up or lift my depression. And I've noticed that a lot of other people who are depressed do the same.

So I thought about it. When I am like that, I realized that I am trying to pick a fight and Im seriously disappointed when it doesn't continue. This isn't because of a need for conflict or a desire to act out anger - I don't really want to fight.

The fact is that I have a difficult time believing anything good about myself - especially when I am depressed. And I don't trust my own perceptions - they are dark and all they find are flaws and sorrow when I am depressed. But if other people say differently, then I must be okay.

You see, I want to be defeated when I argue. I want to be shown, irrefutably and consistantly, that my depression is the illusion and not the reality. But people are often simply being polite, or fickle. If I can argue away their cheerfulness or happiness, it must not be real. But if I can't argue it away, if it isn't easily dropped in the face of adversity, it must be lasting, real happiness. And that's what I want. And I can't bear the drop from illusionary happiness back into depression again - the drop hurts much more than just staying in the dumps. So I have to test it, just in case.

Now, I know this is a self-defeating strategy. And I know it's not fair to the people around me. But I think it's an important realization to whats going on in my head.

I find it interesting that this is very similar to the tactics of my old college roommate Robert. Except that Robert seemed to feel that people weren't real friends unless they had proven themselves by withstanding an aggressive barrage of anger and abuse. Where he was trying to prove that the people around him were good enough, I do the same thing to myself.

Comments

[anandav.livejournal.com]

I know it sounds silly, but after struggling for years with depression, and a suicide attempt, the one concept that helped me to find balance and clarity was the notion that everything in this world, in our earthly lives, be it a person, place, thing, or emotion, is impermanent.

I think the need for conflict when struggling with depression has more to do with self-assertion, than in being negative. I think depression can bring someone to a point where that self-assertion, even if it is a blood curdling screaming argument, is a vital affirmation that helps you feel like you're still alive. Now this could be true with any strong emotion, or impulse, because I've seen some people go into extremes with their sexuality, with their sadness, etc... what they all hold in common, is that those emotions are us, who we are, right on the surface, raw. But they are only temporary. It will change, so long as there are social catylysts to keep things moving.

In knowing that everything can change in a moment, is of great comfort to me. It makes me feel lucky for the moment, and often grateful that change will inevitably occur when things are going wrong.

In accepting this, it seems like the universe has brought great, positive change to my life, a rebirth almost, and of course, I am grateful, but also keenly aware of the fact it could change suddenly again. Acceptance of the flow of life, with it's ups and downs, has saved my life. Also throwing out my television and not watching the news hasn't hurt either *grin*

In re-reading this, I am not sure this makes any sense, but I send it with *good wishes*...

[auryn29a.livejournal.com]

Ohhh. _That's_ what you meant. Okay.

Re:

[anandav.livejournal.com]

I know it may sound like a bandaid, like "wait it out, it;ll get better".. but I think it's more about knowing that change is inevitable, and welcoming change. Also seeing life as an abstract concept, without expectations, seems to have helped me to allow enormous possibilities into it. Goals are fabulous, but I have found the sidetracks that are thrown in my way often have provided for more learning experiences, fun experiences.

I have much faith in you, and admire and appreciate all the different sides to who you are. You add much to this girl's world.. :)

[vaxjedi]

This sounds vaguely like how I handle driving and dealing with people who cut me off or tailgate me or whatever - in 5 minutes they'll be gone and it won't matter.

Re:

[anandav.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that is a good tactic... could this mean that world is actually full of psychic tailgaters, too? hmmmm... just change the "5 minutes part" and I think you're right...I see life as crosstown traffic!

[ororo.livejournal.com]

I was pondering the fact that people tend to defend their depression very aggressively. I know that I have a tendency to try to argue against any attempt to cheer me up or lift my depression. And I've noticed that a lot of other people who are depressed do the same.

I hate it when people try to cheer me up. To me, it means they're trying to invalidate my feelings. If I wanted my feelings invalidated, I'd call my mother. If I'm feeling despressed, sad, angry, I want to experience it, work through it, and let it go. Stifling those emotions is an unhealthy practice I had ingrained in me for years.

I find it interesting that this is very similar to the tactics of my old college roommate Robert. Except that Robert seemed to feel that people weren't real friends unless they had proven themselves by withstanding an aggressive barrage of anger and abuse. Where he was trying to prove that the people around him were good enough, I do the same thing to myself.

I've seen many folks use a strategy of this kind and while it works for them, it makes me uncomfortable. Requiring someone to prove something to you sets you on a different level than they, and isn't friendship about equals?

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

As a small aside, speaking as someone who also knew Robert, the point you bring up was a problem for a lot of us. After a while, I decided I was better off having failed the test.