(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

So I was writing a long post. Probably one of the most emotional posts I've ever written, saving things I've been afraid to say, but desperately needed to.

And, as always happens, the computer I am on crashed in the middle of it. I lost it all. It's after midnight, I have to work in 5 hours, but I'm starting it again. I have to. If I don't get this out, I may simply die inside.

So. Once again...

Why I don't really laugh anymore....


So I'm at Ryan's for the evening (my car died again - whenever that happens, I go running to Ryan, it seems). I was watching The Craft on TV. At the end, the psychobitch witch goes crazy and is locked in an asylum. And there is a scene with her strapped down and going on and on about how she can fly. And I realize that several of her expressions are the same expressions I see on the face of my 3 yr old daughter.

And I went out onto Ryan's balcony and cried.

Someone close to Eleri pointed out that as Mouse gets older, she has started to sound like a disabled person. As we were playing the other day, Mouse was acting like she was a frog. She was saying 'ribbit'. And she said it exactly like someone with Down's Syndrome would say it.

My poor beautiful daughter. You see, she never did anything to deserve the fate with which she has been saddled. Sure she has tantrums and fits, but she doesn't have a whit of malace in her little heart. Except for the complications of her unknown syndrome, Mirriam is all light and love and goodness. And who knows what's going to happen to her, how she will develop. But she's never going to be close to normal. And she just doesn't deserve it. She's done nothing wrong.

I wonder if somehow my pain and depression have somehow aggravated this curse. If somehow some karmic blade has come down on her when it should have struck me. You see, when I fould out Eleri was pregnant, my first thought was that I had created a life, and I could never ever fail the responsibility of taking care of this life. But behind that was so much fear, as I was about to become a father, and I knew I was not ready. I had created life without being ready for it, and thus had brought calamity into the world. And worse, an innocent little soul would have to bear the brunt of my mistake.

That is a lot to pile onto a little child just born.

As time went on, I loved my little Mouse more and more. Even when the paternity tests came out negative, it didn't matter. My beautiful girl is what was important.

But she got worse. She fell behind. My poor little girl. My wonderful little Mouse. She doesn't deserve this.

And I don't know how to take care of my beautiful little girl. I don;t know what to do when she gets sick. I don't know what to do when she gets hurt. I don't know what to do when she is sad. I can't explain it to her. I can't tell her that it will pass. So she can look at what's happening, she will understand. I can't show her how to adapt, to accept and to move on.

And I may never be able to tell her.

I am a creature of words. Of text and speech. Of reasoned discourse and subtle linguistic communication. I may never be able to fully communicste with her. To teach her. To talk to her. I may be forever cut off from her.

My poor little girl. The girl who calls me dada and is happy to see me when I come home. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to take care of you.

So I go to work, because that's the only way I really know how to provide for you. For you and your mommy, who can take care of you adequitely. It's not quite enough, financially, spiritually or emotionally, for Mouse or her mommy. But it's all I know how to do. All I can hope is that someday Mouse will be able and willing to forgive me for my inadequicies.

And that's why I don't really laugh anymore. My beautiful daughter doesn't deserve this. There are all sorts of tragedies in the world. But it's this little one that makes it all not so funny.

Maybe after some sleep, I'll see some light. Maybe in a bit, I will find more laughter. Maybe I am just indulging my depression. And maybe, this too shall pass.

But all I know right now is I miss my sweet little Mouse and I miss my wife and I don't want to sleep alone tonight.

Comments

[netmouse.livejournal.com]

How old is the little one these days?

[vaxjedi]

The littlest one is 3

[kshandra]

*hugs*

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

There is always some light. There is always some. She is young, and there is always time.

[born-to-me.livejournal.com]

Anyone who cares as much as you do has the power to find the key you need. It's not all about the doing, it's about the wanting to do. You have the wanting, that gives you the ability to move on to the doing. Peace and faith, Blade.

[eleri.livejournal.com]

It will be alright, my beloved Poet. We'll get through this you and I and Mousie.

She knows that you love her, and that you express that you love her. A smile, a laugh, a touch, a cuddle. These have more impact on her than words. With these she will thrive.

[tropism.livejournal.com]

Hey. The most important thing is that you are there for her, and that you try to communicate with her. The other shit'll work itself out.

re: Fatherhood

[ryoganox.livejournal.com]

My Beloved Brother, you have shown more strength, courage, and support than any father I have known. She is little, she is behind. But She is Loved. That is what is key here. That Love you feel for her. Communication and expression is not done by words alone. Most often successful communication is done by action. Eleri has the idea in her comment. Mousie is a wonderful person, regardless of her handicap. You are an extremely gifted father. Much better than you give yourself credit for. Things will work out. They are already in the process of doing so. Keeping your heart and soul open and you will be able to succeed. I am here, and always will be. I will be there whenever you need me and where-ever you need me. Bound by Love, committed by Spirit. Remember, what we use to talk about, when we work together. Organizing together is what we need to do more of. I will see you tonight or thursday.
*hugs and kisses*
Ryan

[odanu.livejournal.com]

Love like yours cannot help but to shine through...and that's what she needs most. She needs her daddy to love her, and to take care of himself so he'll be there when she needs him. You will find your laughter again...and Mousie will help you find it.

[beki.livejournal.com]

First of all, HUGS cause you sound like you need them.

As you know, I am a parent in a similar situation. I understand and feel your pain from time to time. Yes, it can be overwhelming. I have one child who is "normal". It is hard on me to see her having to have less attention affection etc because her brother needs so much more. It hurts me to see him to have to struggle to do simple things. It hurt me to see him as a baby having trouble breathing and swallowing and even lifting his head. Neither of them deserve it.

You cant look at what Miri can't/won't do. I was told my son would never walk... He walks. I was told my son would never be able to swallow... He does. I was told he would never be able to talk. He signs, and we are able to understand some words. He will get there. It is going to take time.

Grante, Miri's problems are different than Jason's. I would suggest that you not dwell on what isn't or won't or can't. Push at those "experts" for things to do that will help her with dealing with her issues and livng a full and productive life. Never tell her she can't or won't. She will do what she wants to do in her own time and in her own way.

It is not your fault, nor is it El's, nor is it Miri's. It just is. Life isnt fair. It never will be. As Miri gets older, you will find that seeing what she finds joy in will bring a brightness to your eyes and a glow to your heart. There are always going to be days when it is dark and dank in your soul. It happens. Sometimes it is good to revel in it so that it can be let go.

Weep not for the child. The child will teach you to love and laugh again. Mine did and do. Both of them. If you need an ear, you know how to get in touch with me. We can commiserate :) Hugs again for the dad with a huge heart that is so filled :)

[arib.livejournal.com]

Firstly, and this definitely bears saying,

From what I've seen and heard, you're a fantastic dad. You love those kids so much, and it shows in everything you do around them. I remember watching you deal with a minor Mouse-tantrum and feeling awed at how you handled it with a measure of calm I rarely see in parents, and almost never saw in mine. She's fantastically lucky to have you in her life. (So's Eleri, and you can tell her I said so.)

Mousie may have "problems" her entire life, or she may be completely "normal" by the time she's a teenager. Nobody knows. You can only do what you feel is best for her, in the manner you feel is best.

Just like any other parent of any other child, really.

and you'll do a damned fine job of it, too.