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Aug. 17th, 2003 01:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediLots of little things for this post.
I went to a Darklady party tonight. We had no child care, so I went without Eleri. After a few quick conversations when I first got there, I mostly just wandered around, hoping to run into people to talk to. After a few hours, I realized that I was walking around in circles just so I had something to do. When I realized that is what I was doing, I headed home.
So on the good side, I didn't crash - no panic attacks that ended in fugue-like depressive states. On the bad side, I just felt incredibly lonely all of the time. And detached from a world that seems so increcibly interesting, but with no room for me (or me with no room for it). I did get a hug and a growl from Bridgette tho. I would have given her a proper kiss if I wasn't so shy, and completely intimidated by her (mostly because I feel so incredibly vanilla next to her).
I am trying to look at this as a step in the right direction.
I feel like I'm not accomplishing a lot. I've had good ideas, but not done much with them. In fact, Eleri has done much more with my ideas than I have. She developed my idea for a teen pagan magickal training program called Walking the Labyrinth, she's started writing In Nomine Portland based off of my ideas, and her posts on the Jade Goddess are starting to develop a following.
There are times I want to start telling people "Hey look at me. I came up with those ideas" (I think I just did that in a passive-aggressive sort of way, as a matter of fact). But I realize that they really aren't mine anymore - I didn't do anything with them, or at least nothing that worked. So they belong to somebody who can make them work.
But I wonder what I do wrong? what am I not explaining? Or maybe I just get bored too easily and never finish anything. But I have this definite feeling like things become interesting after I have left the scene.
Maybe that is just the depression talking again....
In a recent email to me, an ex-gf said to me "I remember how violently in love I was with you." How does one respond to that?
I responded with "Yes, I rememeber that." What I didn't say is that I remember how violently in love I was with her too, and could still be at a moment's notice. Old love, for me, is like embers that never go out. At any point, I can use them to re-ignite those feelings. I guess my love does fade, but it never fades away. There is a part of me that secretly (and oft times not so secretly) hopes that they will come back. And when they do, I'll have that ember with their name on it, ready for them.
Entropy is the most powerful force in the universe. Things slow down. Things decay and dissolve. Sounds dissipate. Hearts grow cold. People grow old. People become cruel and apathetic.
People talk about magick, about miracles and acts of God. But there is nothing more miraculous than countering the downward march of entropy. Stopping the march of time. Making someone feel young again. Preventing cruelty and replacing it with joy.
Some people I know have wondered what happen to people, where are all of the plans, the great dreams, etc. And we find that a lot of the great dreams and ideals we had were born out of a misunderstanding of the world and a misunderstanding of what we wanted from it. Miracles are not products of fantasies, nor do they have PR departments. they are all around us, happening without anyone realizing, without fanfare and parades. And the real thing is to quiet your mind and see them for what they are. That is magick. The fact is, when you get down to it, just bothering to look for the miraculous is the greatest miracle of all.
Ya know, I have a good reaction for the people having problems on #callahans with people being mean and vicious.
When people start getting nasty, you walk up to the line. You wait until everyone is listening. Then you say. "What would Mike Callahan do? People get angry. People get annoyed. People lash out. But before you do, please ask yourself: What Would Mike Do?"
And if it get's vicious again, keep doing it. Think of it as peaceful non-cooperation.
People peg me as a computer geek. But I'm really not. I like doing things on computers (netsurfing, chatting, coding, etc) but I am just not that interested in computers themselves. I don't care about new chip technologies or overclocking processors or building my own system or any of that, really. Hell, I don't quite understand what most of the real computer geeks are saying a lot of the time, simply because I've never looked into it. I have a facility for computers, but I'd rather just be doing something else.
The fatugue of sleep-dep is setting in... time to wind down.
I went to a Darklady party tonight. We had no child care, so I went without Eleri. After a few quick conversations when I first got there, I mostly just wandered around, hoping to run into people to talk to. After a few hours, I realized that I was walking around in circles just so I had something to do. When I realized that is what I was doing, I headed home.
So on the good side, I didn't crash - no panic attacks that ended in fugue-like depressive states. On the bad side, I just felt incredibly lonely all of the time. And detached from a world that seems so increcibly interesting, but with no room for me (or me with no room for it). I did get a hug and a growl from Bridgette tho. I would have given her a proper kiss if I wasn't so shy, and completely intimidated by her (mostly because I feel so incredibly vanilla next to her).
I am trying to look at this as a step in the right direction.
I feel like I'm not accomplishing a lot. I've had good ideas, but not done much with them. In fact, Eleri has done much more with my ideas than I have. She developed my idea for a teen pagan magickal training program called Walking the Labyrinth, she's started writing In Nomine Portland based off of my ideas, and her posts on the Jade Goddess are starting to develop a following.
There are times I want to start telling people "Hey look at me. I came up with those ideas" (I think I just did that in a passive-aggressive sort of way, as a matter of fact). But I realize that they really aren't mine anymore - I didn't do anything with them, or at least nothing that worked. So they belong to somebody who can make them work.
But I wonder what I do wrong? what am I not explaining? Or maybe I just get bored too easily and never finish anything. But I have this definite feeling like things become interesting after I have left the scene.
Maybe that is just the depression talking again....
In a recent email to me, an ex-gf said to me "I remember how violently in love I was with you." How does one respond to that?
I responded with "Yes, I rememeber that." What I didn't say is that I remember how violently in love I was with her too, and could still be at a moment's notice. Old love, for me, is like embers that never go out. At any point, I can use them to re-ignite those feelings. I guess my love does fade, but it never fades away. There is a part of me that secretly (and oft times not so secretly) hopes that they will come back. And when they do, I'll have that ember with their name on it, ready for them.
Entropy is the most powerful force in the universe. Things slow down. Things decay and dissolve. Sounds dissipate. Hearts grow cold. People grow old. People become cruel and apathetic.
People talk about magick, about miracles and acts of God. But there is nothing more miraculous than countering the downward march of entropy. Stopping the march of time. Making someone feel young again. Preventing cruelty and replacing it with joy.
Some people I know have wondered what happen to people, where are all of the plans, the great dreams, etc. And we find that a lot of the great dreams and ideals we had were born out of a misunderstanding of the world and a misunderstanding of what we wanted from it. Miracles are not products of fantasies, nor do they have PR departments. they are all around us, happening without anyone realizing, without fanfare and parades. And the real thing is to quiet your mind and see them for what they are. That is magick. The fact is, when you get down to it, just bothering to look for the miraculous is the greatest miracle of all.
Ya know, I have a good reaction for the people having problems on #callahans with people being mean and vicious.
When people start getting nasty, you walk up to the line. You wait until everyone is listening. Then you say. "What would Mike Callahan do? People get angry. People get annoyed. People lash out. But before you do, please ask yourself: What Would Mike Do?"
And if it get's vicious again, keep doing it. Think of it as peaceful non-cooperation.
People peg me as a computer geek. But I'm really not. I like doing things on computers (netsurfing, chatting, coding, etc) but I am just not that interested in computers themselves. I don't care about new chip technologies or overclocking processors or building my own system or any of that, really. Hell, I don't quite understand what most of the real computer geeks are saying a lot of the time, simply because I've never looked into it. I have a facility for computers, but I'd rather just be doing something else.
The fatugue of sleep-dep is setting in... time to wind down.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 07:52 am (UTC)re: ideas - Is it so bad to inspire others?
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Date: 2003-08-18 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-17 11:36 am (UTC)They're our ideas, sillyhead. We share them ,and draw on earch others concepts.
my 2 bites hehe
Date: 2003-08-18 09:59 am (UTC)I completely agree with your statement here. Much like we have spoken about in the past. Love changes and evolves, ever feeding off the other's Love and affection. When that source of food is gone, Love simply hibernates. No matter what, There will always be that part in your heart that remembers the joy you once or still feel for the other person. It does not necessarily mean that your feelings will rekindle a romance again with said individual(s). As pain is the damn for those emotions.
"... Miracles are not products of fantasies, nor do they have PR departments. they are all around us... "
It is the little miricles that are never addressed. In our maelstrom of life, we often find it hard to see the peace and calm. Often we are too pre-occupied trying to lash down our sails so we don't lose ourselves to that sea. Miricles have no PR departments, but we can become them for them. The whole "Practice Acts of Random Kindness" is a great version of Miricle PR. Wheather people see it as a miricle or not is not what is important.
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Your words do open minds, and heal wounds...