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Sep. 5th, 2003 07:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediAfter a day off from work and a day off from the Mouse... some thoughts, some venting and some of the same old whines....
Eleri and I dropped off the Mouse on Wednesday with the grandparents at about 5ish and then went to dinner. After which we came back up to Portland, picked up some tickets for a late showing of Pirates of the Carribean, had a few milkshakes, played video games at Bullwinkles, got some stuffed clown fish as prizes and then watched the movie in an empty theatre.
Honestly, it was on of the best nights I've had in a long time. Spending time with Eleri without constant pressure on us. I think that's the first real night we've had like that in a long time. In the old place, we spend every night we went out feeling guilty that Chris and Dawn had to deal with Mousie and worried about coming home. And most of our nights here are either us collapsing from exhaustion or desperately trying to catch up on cleaning or other projects.
But it was a good night. It reminded me yet again why I married Eleri.
A good chunk of the time, Mousie isn't a huge problem, nothing that can't be handled. But there is the constant stress of the fact that at any moment, she might lose it - either just decide that every piece of paper in the room has to be torn up, or that she has to dump as many things on the floor as possible, or that she hast to be outside and will bang on the door with her fists and head if she can't get out. It's adrenaline poisoning - it could happen at any moment. And couple taht with the fact that she is constantly moving, you either have to keep her in a safe contained space or keep an eye on her at all times, just in case.
Yeah, this is somewhat normal for infants and toddlers. But for Miri, it's constant. Mousie has hit the terrible twos. But she's three, and if things go like they have, she's gonna be in the terrible twos for 2 years or so.
Miri doesn't get out of the house very much (which in turn means Eleri does not either, as she is there with Mouse all of the time). And part of it is that we are afraid of letting her outside - we don't know if she is going to take off in some direction or throw a fit, or get herself into a dangerous situation unknowingly (she's taken off threw open doors to go play on the road before. We have to keep the doors locked just in case. And restaurants are still a nightmare - she wont stay sitting down and she overstimulates quickly.
We are worn down. And we have to rely more and more on the people around us (Eleri's parents, Ryan and Jenn). And they in turn get worn out and imposed upon. I worry about making new friends, because being my friend seems to come with an implicit job of helping me out all of the time. And sure friends help friends, but I dont like the idea of me being a chore for my friends.
Another reason I hermit is because I feel guilty. I feel like I'm somehow getting away with something whenever I go out, because it leaves Eleri at home yet again. I mean, I at least get out of the house every day. I interact with adults face to face every day. Eleri never has time for anything during the day that requires any focus - it could be broken at any moment by Miri losing it, or just deciding that she's interested too and wants to spread it all around.
I get angry sometimes. That I deserve time off, that I work hard, etc. But it always comes back to the fact that Eleri doesn't have the freedom of choices I have or have had, now or throughout life in general. It's not fair to Eleri for me to have more than she does. It's my job to shoulder what I can of her burden. It's the least I can do.
The problem is that it is too much for either of us to shoulder, and not really something we can handle together. Maybe if we were different people - hyper-organized, driven people. Maybe if we didnt have a dozen nagging little health problems that were wearing us down. Maybe if we didn't have our own baggage in things having nothing to do with Mousie that we never get to address. Maybe if I wasn't so tired so easily. Maybe if my mood wasn't so erratic I could give support consistantly, or just let Eleri know what to expect from me.
Sometimes, I want a third in the relatiohsip. Not for any sort of sexual fantasy (though that would be nice *g*), but just to have someone taht we were both comfortable with sharing all of they burdens in our life - taking care of Mousie, finances, working out our baggage, etc. But it wouldn't be fair to any third person to ask them to fit into a role in our life with no room for their life.
I'm just tired. Again. Melodrama seems to be common to me when I am tired.
I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean a few nights ago. In one scene, the pirates are sacking a city. There is a shot of a toddler standing in the middle of market while people ran about in confusion. The toddler was crying his eyes out. For a moment, all I wanted to do was desperately make sure Mousie was safe, wherever she was. Everytime she cries, it just twists me up inside. Her desires are often such simple, little things. But they are everything in her world. And if I can make her happy, I've succeeded in making her entire world a better place. For once, I can make everything better. And for a moment, the world seems like a good place again.
Though I have to admit, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow was way too cool. :) Even if he did have too much makeup on.
Meeting to go to... more later.
Eleri and I dropped off the Mouse on Wednesday with the grandparents at about 5ish and then went to dinner. After which we came back up to Portland, picked up some tickets for a late showing of Pirates of the Carribean, had a few milkshakes, played video games at Bullwinkles, got some stuffed clown fish as prizes and then watched the movie in an empty theatre.
Honestly, it was on of the best nights I've had in a long time. Spending time with Eleri without constant pressure on us. I think that's the first real night we've had like that in a long time. In the old place, we spend every night we went out feeling guilty that Chris and Dawn had to deal with Mousie and worried about coming home. And most of our nights here are either us collapsing from exhaustion or desperately trying to catch up on cleaning or other projects.
But it was a good night. It reminded me yet again why I married Eleri.
A good chunk of the time, Mousie isn't a huge problem, nothing that can't be handled. But there is the constant stress of the fact that at any moment, she might lose it - either just decide that every piece of paper in the room has to be torn up, or that she has to dump as many things on the floor as possible, or that she hast to be outside and will bang on the door with her fists and head if she can't get out. It's adrenaline poisoning - it could happen at any moment. And couple taht with the fact that she is constantly moving, you either have to keep her in a safe contained space or keep an eye on her at all times, just in case.
Yeah, this is somewhat normal for infants and toddlers. But for Miri, it's constant. Mousie has hit the terrible twos. But she's three, and if things go like they have, she's gonna be in the terrible twos for 2 years or so.
Miri doesn't get out of the house very much (which in turn means Eleri does not either, as she is there with Mouse all of the time). And part of it is that we are afraid of letting her outside - we don't know if she is going to take off in some direction or throw a fit, or get herself into a dangerous situation unknowingly (she's taken off threw open doors to go play on the road before. We have to keep the doors locked just in case. And restaurants are still a nightmare - she wont stay sitting down and she overstimulates quickly.
We are worn down. And we have to rely more and more on the people around us (Eleri's parents, Ryan and Jenn). And they in turn get worn out and imposed upon. I worry about making new friends, because being my friend seems to come with an implicit job of helping me out all of the time. And sure friends help friends, but I dont like the idea of me being a chore for my friends.
Another reason I hermit is because I feel guilty. I feel like I'm somehow getting away with something whenever I go out, because it leaves Eleri at home yet again. I mean, I at least get out of the house every day. I interact with adults face to face every day. Eleri never has time for anything during the day that requires any focus - it could be broken at any moment by Miri losing it, or just deciding that she's interested too and wants to spread it all around.
I get angry sometimes. That I deserve time off, that I work hard, etc. But it always comes back to the fact that Eleri doesn't have the freedom of choices I have or have had, now or throughout life in general. It's not fair to Eleri for me to have more than she does. It's my job to shoulder what I can of her burden. It's the least I can do.
The problem is that it is too much for either of us to shoulder, and not really something we can handle together. Maybe if we were different people - hyper-organized, driven people. Maybe if we didnt have a dozen nagging little health problems that were wearing us down. Maybe if we didn't have our own baggage in things having nothing to do with Mousie that we never get to address. Maybe if I wasn't so tired so easily. Maybe if my mood wasn't so erratic I could give support consistantly, or just let Eleri know what to expect from me.
Sometimes, I want a third in the relatiohsip. Not for any sort of sexual fantasy (though that would be nice *g*), but just to have someone taht we were both comfortable with sharing all of they burdens in our life - taking care of Mousie, finances, working out our baggage, etc. But it wouldn't be fair to any third person to ask them to fit into a role in our life with no room for their life.
I'm just tired. Again. Melodrama seems to be common to me when I am tired.
I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean a few nights ago. In one scene, the pirates are sacking a city. There is a shot of a toddler standing in the middle of market while people ran about in confusion. The toddler was crying his eyes out. For a moment, all I wanted to do was desperately make sure Mousie was safe, wherever she was. Everytime she cries, it just twists me up inside. Her desires are often such simple, little things. But they are everything in her world. And if I can make her happy, I've succeeded in making her entire world a better place. For once, I can make everything better. And for a moment, the world seems like a good place again.
Though I have to admit, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow was way too cool. :) Even if he did have too much makeup on.
Meeting to go to... more later.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-05 11:48 am (UTC)*hugs*
Ryan
yup
Date: 2003-09-05 01:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-05 03:48 pm (UTC)and have an increasingly short fuse at times around kids....so i'm useually tryin to keep that n check to.
i love you.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-06 09:57 am (UTC)mousie is not a burden, she's just a child with a lot of love to give, and a lot of special needs...the fact that you make her very happy most of the time, shows what a great father you have been to her...
and she understands...she understands love and hugs, and kisses.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-07 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-08 11:21 am (UTC)You have a lot of really good, true friends. Try seeing them more like family- whether Mouse has greater needs than the average girl her age or not, neither you nor Eleri are supposed to be able to take care of her all by yourself. I understand you're feeling guilty about burdening your friends... it's natural to feel that way. But seriously- try to give yourself a little slack. Neither you nor Eleri are much good to her if you aren't taking care of yourselves. Taking time to relax and enjoy life and be a little selfish is a gift that you give Mouse in the long run.
Just food for thought.