More Self-Indulgent Crap

[vaxjedi]

People think I am too quiet. Eleri says I do not say enough. Several people have accused me of needing to grow a spine.

I cannot speak out. There is too much. There is so much in my mind. The fragile bone and sinew that holds together this so-called mortal shell cannot, will not, contain the collateral shockwave that would accompany the expression of what is inside of me.

I am quiet. Out of fear. Out of depression. Out of disappointment. Out of phase. I cannot do it/me justice. And what I can utter... is so little, is such an insignificant mote that to let it out of my mouht is not worth the shitstorm that will ensue.

Every moment, I am on the edge of raging out of control, the cusp of wailing into the night in pain and despair, an inch away from immolating myself in a pire of energy and passion and pain and darkness.

And I know that it won't mean anything. That it will just look like another self-absorbed wannabe with a desperate need to be important. And maybe that is all it would be. Angst is self-indulgent, after all. In 5 years time, none of it would matter anyway.

So, I stay quiet. I have always stayed quiet. I bide my time until I can let out a moan here, a cry there. Maybe that will reduce the pressure. Maybe I won't have to deal with waves of sanctimony, even from those who know me best.

---

I started off as a boy who just wanted to Do The Right Thing.

I believed in God because I thought that was Good. I so believed in that if you are Good, then everything will be Okay. To the point that decided that if I were Good, it didn't matter if I believed in God. I was a Good person after all.

And I did good in school. That's what Good boys do, right? I listened to my teachers, I did my homework. I wanted my father to know I was a Good boy, for I adored my father above all things.

And he went away. My sister and mother fell into more despair. I didn't know any different. I was watching TV. And TV was telling me to be Good. I learned my basic morality from the TV. And you know what? I wasn't taught to be an automaton. I learned honestly, and acceptance, and thinking for yourself. I learned wit from Bugs Bunny. I learned bravery from Battlestar Galatica. I learned consideration from the Fonz and Richie Cunningham. I learned strength from reruns of Bruce Lee movies. I learned honor from Optimus Prime.

I became a teenager. I found out the man I adored was the worst type of monster. I found mysef with a stepfather who did not understand me in a town with no friends. But I was still trying to be Good. I tried to do my homework. I tried to do my chores. But the darkness within me had taken root. I started therapy when I was 14 because my step-father required it. He said I didn't listen. That I was arrogant.

Eventually, someone pointed out that there was more to life than school. I found friends, I found other things. But I was still trying to be Good. I still obsessed over my grades. I had to get to college. That's what Good teenagers did, isn't it? Go to college. I took pills so I could stay Good. Not illicit ones, but medically perscribed ones. I was a Good person, after all. I got strange anyway.

I got to college. You know, I had never considered what I would do then. I had to push to get to college. Now I was there. And I could not do it. Too much darkness in me. Too many reasons to be disappointed. Too many things I couldn't do. I wasn't Good. I found Goodness in my differences, even more than before. I found that I was Good even if I was Strange. Because I found others who felt the same. But still I struggled. I had to be Good for every person I could.

But I kept faling my parents. And my professors. I was never a Good student. I was always a disppointment. They could never understand the darkness in me. Even some of my closest friends did not. They accused me of wasting the money financial aid had given me - that others, like themselves, would do more with it than I.

I left college because the college said I wasn't Good and couldn't stay. I stumbled. I came home to my parents, because I had no where else to go. And they reminded me that I was not Good. That they didn't understand why I wasn't Good. And I couldn't explain to them why. They could not understand the darkness. I could not explain it, only endure it. I could not explain my Strangeness. I could not explain the fact that I wore my mismatching shoes around them was not a sign of disrespect, but a sign of closeness. That I couldn't around my father because he did not understand. He was not safe and they were. But to them, I was a Strangeness they had to endure.

I found a job, thanks to a friend. I tried to be Good. I was a burden on my friend. But I tried to be Good. When I felt I was strong enough, I went back to college to finish my degree. If I didn't finish, it would have been just another disappointment. Another failure and another step into the darkness.

I went back, and tried to be Good. I still could not be the student I needed to be. Nor could I be the support for the woman I loved who needed it most. Nor a Master for the woman I wanted the most to please.

I graduated from college, sorta. But I hadn't learned much. I had tried every way I could think of to find my way, to be Good with the maddening inablity to be responsible. And I had gotten through on the charity of several professors.

And then I came to Oregon. And I tried to be a Good friend. And a Good lover. And then all of a sudden a Good husband and a Good father. I don't see how anyone can be a Good father. People aren't set up for the wisdom, foresight and patience that is needed. Well, at least I'm not. I'm on the edge of losing control every day. So close to snapping. But I must be Good.

And I'm working. I have duties and a title and things to get done. So I work hard, but it never feels like I am working hard enough. I am trying to be a Good employee. I want my boss to think I am a Good employee. I want my coworkers to think I am a Good peer. I don't want to be one of those people that everyone talks about behind their back. I hear it constantly. So-and-so is a slacker. So-and-so never does their job. So-and-so isn't qualified. By the Gods, what are they saying about me? I have to work harder, longer so that they can't. So that they say I'm Good.

And the thing is, I don't know what Good is anymore. I have no idea if Im fucking up my kids, or my wife, or my friends. So I have to err on the side of caution. I have no idea if I am giving enough to my household. So I must give more, must minimize what I take. I have no idea if I am working hard enough, pulling my weight. So I must work more. Just in case.

I must be Good. Because I've been found wanting. Because I have been inadequite and disappointing and a drain on those around me. I must be Good, I must make up for it. I cannot fail again.

Does anyone else have this problem? The pressure, all around. The need to be Good. I feel the weight on me from all directions, constantly crushing me. Every need that someone throws at me. Every request. Every plea. Giving is Good. I understand that I'm supposed to save some for myself, but I do not know where that line is. I cannot tell when I must give and when I must hold back. So I must give, just in case. Just for the possibility of being Good.

And I have this little baby daugther. And I look at her and wonder how many ways will I end up screweing her up? Will she end up in therapy because of me? How many ways will she resent me, even though I am trying my best to be Good for her, even though I do not know what the hell that means?

---

People are waiting for me. They want me to run a game. I was ready for it. Until this hit me. The games don't mean much to me anymore. They are just distractions. Brief respites. And they leave me hollow. They don't bring me the joy they used to.

---

And I can't eat. I got my wisdom teeth out. So I can't eat properly. And I've discovered that not being able to eat properly sends me into a depressive spiral. I had the same problem when I had my throat surgery. In the middle of a time when all the stresses in my life are hitting me at once - I can't even have the pleasure of eating. I never realized how much I used eating to ground me out - to bolster myself just a little bit so I could continue. Maybe that's why I am so fat. And I can't eat properly right now. And it's driving me batty. I would kill right now for a grilled cheese sandwich.

---

*sigh* People are waiting for me. People are always waiting for me.

Comments

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

*hug* You were never a burden to me, hon. I still miss your presence, and I think "Blade would have liked that" at least once a week. But don't worry about it: You don't have to be Good for me.

Yes, I understand the pressure. And, I think I understand the darkness -- I finally had my first real brush with it, after all these years. But perhaps I am wrong. I can never claim to be sure that I understand another.

Stop worrying about being Good, and worry about being Better. Not for them, but for you. The best revenge is Living Well.

-The Shaman

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

Maybe you need to redefine Good. Move the concept around in your head until it more closely matches something that doesn't require you to be anything other than more of what you are that you like about yourself.

Sometimes the answer really is "Damn it, I'm doing the best I can." If you give and give and give until you don't have anything left of yourself, then you'll wind up not being able to give anything else to anyone, because you've lost that thing inside you that lets you give at all.

People don't only love you for what you can give them. Think of how much pleasure it gives you to be able to give those you care about what you truly need -- perhaps you're denying that same pleasure to someone who wants to give you the support you seem to need. It's all right to take something that is freely offered, because most people don't offer more than they have to give.

Perhaps this is a lesson you should learn -- what you can and can't afford to give, and when and what you need to take. ::hug::

[lovjad.livejournal.com]

oh blade.......love.......
to be good is not always the best thing in life. and reall sucess isn't measured by others.
you can't make everyone happy, and even if you did your soul would be miserable and torn in many differnt ways....none of which would your heart be.
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often when we think we aren't enough, it's easy to see how much everyone else seems to do around us, or how much better we could be, or how much easier things would be if would could only do such and such.
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but it doesn't work that way. and in your heart of hearts, you probably know that. yea sure...can't please everyone....goodness isn't defined by mass media....yada yada. people make mistakes. it's human love. don't fear them or you'll never try.
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i know you've done good for so many people. i know me and eleri sometimes stumble at your wisdom of such a young age really. i know that of the many things i praise and love kenna for, one of them is for introducing us. (or rather ...mentioning my name in bed;) )
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guilt is one of the most useless self destructive emotions ever. i know. i struggle with it.
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the hardest steps are the ones at the begining....the rest will follow.
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you are good blade. your good to me and your friends and your loved ones. and i could list a few hundred reasons why they aren't always good to you. so breathe. just breathe. your one of the few people i've EVER felt *REAL* around....agmoungst a small handfull of others. thats by far good enough for me.

support......

[kidarrian.livejournal.com]

You are a good person, rather or not you push yourself to far or not......contrary to what you might have been shown or told, you are good just in and of yourself, and are personally quite vauled as a freind by me...

you have to hold some back for yourself. learning how much to hold back is a part of learning to take care of yourself, and not easy by any standards....

I am sorry that gaming gives you no joy anymore, but don't feel you are obligated to run anything....I personally enjoy the games you run and find that you have a rather briliant mind. allways makes for an enjoyable game...but take the time you need to take care of your own needs first.

you give plenty to the household, so don't worry...


your good with the kids, rather you realize that or not.
there isn't a manual that really prepares you for everything you need, you do your best, learn and go on....thats all you can do in the end you hope that you gave them enough love so that they will return it.

eating after loosing the teeth is a pain...all I can suggest is get more sleep, focus on staying healthy enough to heal up so you can get back to full up sooner...the more you push yourself and stress the less you will heal and the longer it will be before you can eat properly again. vicious circle

I do understand the pressure, for me its a matter of "don't kill that person.....don't hurt them." yet not letting myself get walked on. Trying to make the personal darkness go away....stay happy and focused for just another day...get though the shit. go on...

we all fight our own battles blade, but you should know that you are not alone in this fight...that you do have freinds and loved ones to lean on, and to ask for help when you need it, or just to talk to if you need. Please don't forget that, your not in this alone, thats what family means. and you are my family.

[gax.livejournal.com]

Hehe, wow. I so want to talk to you. :)