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Sep. 14th, 2003 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediIm feeling very existential tonight...
I ended up reading some 'patriotic' material in a few places, some blog posts, some internet chain letters. And I read an old post if mine from right after 9/11. I remember being desperate to do something, to react to a tragedy in a way that felt like I was accomplishing something AND being genuine about it. And not knowing what to do.
I said at the time that I am one who is suspicious of patriotism. In actuality, I have nothing against patriotism - there is nothing wrong with being proud of where you are from or where you live. In many ways, the US is a good place. It has a generally higher standard of living than most of the world, and is comparatively safer than many places of the world. And while I think I would mesh better wih the social climate in Canada, I'd rather be in the US than, say, the streets of Calcutta.
My suspicion of patriotism, however, comes from the baggage that comes with it. One, that patriotism seems to indicate that one must turn a blind eye to problems with one's nation, that the nation's glory must be put above everything else or you are not a real patriot (Love it or Leave it mentality). Two, that patriotism seems to be more prominent in the conservative mindset and brings along with it all the parts of conservatism that I really DO have a problem with - Christian fundamentalism, obsession over a narrow definiton of 'family values', an exclusionary attitude to lifestyle differences, etc.
What ever happened to radical patriotism? Whatever happened to loving your country because you know you have a chance of making it into a truly good place, as opposed to being content with where it is and thus the rest of the world has to suck?
The reports are coming out more and more about the 'obescity epidemic'. I've known about that all my life - I've been fat all my life. (I was fat before fat was popular). Every gf I've had has made a comment almost exactly like "I'm worried abotu your weight - I want you to be around for a long time."
In some respects, I don't think I will ever not be fat. As far back as I can remember, I have been fat. I remember my sister putting me on diets when I was in second grade. I remember looking around the lunch room with my carrot sticks and stuff wondering why just last year I was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I wasn't now. I remember my neighbor (who was like four years older than I) making me run through obsticle courses and lift logs because he decided that he was going to get me in shape. I remember the eating plans my father put me on. I remember my sister making chocolate chip cookies and refusing to let me have one until I ate a huge plate of broccolhi (during which I threw up because I hated broccolhi so much - it was the last time I ever ate it, almost 2 decades ago). I remember going on the Rotation Diet with my mother and my sister. I remember falling apart on a camping trip with some friends because they made eggs and sausage for breakfast and I ate them. I felt so guilty and was so worried about what my sister would say that I made up some story to convince my friend's father to take me home.
A lot of that is probably just wallowing in self-pity. But what I do know is that food is a minefield for me - I don't like cooking food that much because of it. And I get incredibly upset when people try to convince me to eat healthy.
Somewhere along the line, I decided that I simply would always be fat and there wasn't anything I could really do about it. I think I decided that very young, after yet another diet I was put on did not work. Diet, exercise, self-discipline - those were all words I came to hate, because they were things I was supposed to be doing, but all they did was make me miserable with no real result.
And now I am older, and I know what the right thing to do is (he said as he sipped at his soda from the gas station). And I still don't think I will ever be anything but fat. It is simply something I can't put willpower towards. Part of me simply thinks it is not going to work. Part of me doesn't want to live longer if I'm just going to he unhappy about it.
Of course, I'll probably feel differently when I get to the other end of my life.
It's been suggested I look into the surgical procedures for weight-loss. I looked up some stuff on it. It requires you to change your eating habits afterward - what's the point if you are just going to gain it all again? I don't know if I could do it.
Eating has always been a comfort measure, to some extent. In the last year, it's become even more so. I've been eating like crazy since January. I really don't spend my spare money on anything else, because it's the only thing that consistantly comforts me - I eat, it tastes good, I feel full, I've accomplished something that was exactly what I had intended. I can't think of any books I want to read - it all seems like too much of an emotional investment, and I never know when I am going to have time to read. Gaming books are the same, plus it reminds me that I don't ever game with them so what's the point? And, I tend to want to get all of the books in the line, so it becomes a huge money sink. Music is nice, but very few albums call out to me. Same with movies. Video games - I never have to chance to play them. And there just aren't many that interest me. Everything else just seems extraneous - things I'll never use or Mousie will break.
But food, I can use it the way it was intended. I can do it quickly. And it's mine. No one else can take it, I can't loose it once I've eaten and it's something I do for me.
Wow, that's pretty neurotic when I put it all out there like that, isn't it?
Quiet time is good time. I spent all of high school upset that I was so alone. And now, I crave time to myself constantly. Maybe it's the fact that my job is listening to people talk all day, listening to people get angry at me because they don't like what the company I represent is doing, listening people ask me for information and solutions all of the time and often getting upset at me because I don't have the solutions I want.
(As a side note, the WORST people to do support for are people who do support. You'd think that they would understand what it is like to be a support agent and go easy on people. Nope. They seem to see it as their chance to be the asshole for once.)
I'm a senior. I'm expected to be a leader, a role model. I'm supposed to help people, provide direction. And you know what? Most of the time I just want to be left alone to do the stuff I know how to do. The main perk is that, as a senior, I don't take incoming calls from customers - I have the luxury of time and deciding when to wade into the onslaught of needy technicians.
But still, silence is golden.
I am thinking I need to keep my mouth shut at work more often. I've fallen into bitching about people I work with a lot. Which is exactly what I worry about they are doing to me. I am definitely violating the Golden Rule here. I guess I'm tired of adding to the negative environment that is work, even if what I add is a trickle compared to the raging river of others.
It's past midnight and I'm blogging again. Why? It's the time I have.
And you can tell I'm getting tired, because my sections are getting short ;)
i've got to mention Sinnish. I don't know what life would be like if I didn't. :)
I'm still a little stuck on Sinnish, as it's developed enough to be vaguely usable, but not enough for anyone to really learn it. In this way, it's very much like Tolkein's languages.
I was all gung ho about learning Quenya, but there isn't enough of it out there to learn. It seems that all the real Tolkein linguists out there do is try to figure out what the hell Tolkein was thinking and how to fill in the gaps that he left. Then they say "well, we'll really never know" and spend the rest of their time pointing out where people are doing things with his languages that we can't verify were what he wanted. I like Quenya and even Sindarin (which is like Elvish Welsh), but it's obvious that it isn't enough to do anything but linguistically dissect - I want to be able to write in it too. I suggested pushing more into a Neo-Quenya mode in a few places, just taking what we have an runnign with it, adding words and such as need be. But the really fanatics worry about that. *shrug*
Back to Sinnish... I need to do more with it.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eleri wants me to write a primer. That way she can learn it and I'll have something to point others to. But I am having problems working on it. I don't quite understand language acquisition. And there is the time issue.
I am also trying to figure out how to communicate style - Sinnish has developed some very definite styles of phrasing. How do you teach that?
Additionally, I want to write a guide to Sinnish/Raptured culture. The reason people like Elvish is because they like Elves. It's a pretty language, yes, but I doubt they would be all fluttery over it if it were the language of the Hobbits. People like the language because of the cultural baggage that comes with it. The same for Klingon. I remember reading that Tolkein himself made a comment on that sort of thing in respect to Esperanto. He thought it would have caught on better if there was a mythos behind it.
There has always been a cultural dimension to Sinnish, in my mind. And I don't mean just the Raptured story background either. Honestly, the Raptured background is just a caricature of some of my own beliefs and desires. And that is really is what has formed the basis for the unwritten cultural bias of Sinnish. It's a sort of 'how a culture would be if I designed it'.
A sexually open and positive culture, of course. But not an obsessed one. A sort of transcendental hedonism mixed with a technomystical libertarianism with dashes of neo-pagan theology. That's where my pantheon has sort of derived from. And it's all part of the same expression.
I ended up reading some 'patriotic' material in a few places, some blog posts, some internet chain letters. And I read an old post if mine from right after 9/11. I remember being desperate to do something, to react to a tragedy in a way that felt like I was accomplishing something AND being genuine about it. And not knowing what to do.
I said at the time that I am one who is suspicious of patriotism. In actuality, I have nothing against patriotism - there is nothing wrong with being proud of where you are from or where you live. In many ways, the US is a good place. It has a generally higher standard of living than most of the world, and is comparatively safer than many places of the world. And while I think I would mesh better wih the social climate in Canada, I'd rather be in the US than, say, the streets of Calcutta.
My suspicion of patriotism, however, comes from the baggage that comes with it. One, that patriotism seems to indicate that one must turn a blind eye to problems with one's nation, that the nation's glory must be put above everything else or you are not a real patriot (Love it or Leave it mentality). Two, that patriotism seems to be more prominent in the conservative mindset and brings along with it all the parts of conservatism that I really DO have a problem with - Christian fundamentalism, obsession over a narrow definiton of 'family values', an exclusionary attitude to lifestyle differences, etc.
What ever happened to radical patriotism? Whatever happened to loving your country because you know you have a chance of making it into a truly good place, as opposed to being content with where it is and thus the rest of the world has to suck?
The reports are coming out more and more about the 'obescity epidemic'. I've known about that all my life - I've been fat all my life. (I was fat before fat was popular). Every gf I've had has made a comment almost exactly like "I'm worried abotu your weight - I want you to be around for a long time."
In some respects, I don't think I will ever not be fat. As far back as I can remember, I have been fat. I remember my sister putting me on diets when I was in second grade. I remember looking around the lunch room with my carrot sticks and stuff wondering why just last year I was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I wasn't now. I remember my neighbor (who was like four years older than I) making me run through obsticle courses and lift logs because he decided that he was going to get me in shape. I remember the eating plans my father put me on. I remember my sister making chocolate chip cookies and refusing to let me have one until I ate a huge plate of broccolhi (during which I threw up because I hated broccolhi so much - it was the last time I ever ate it, almost 2 decades ago). I remember going on the Rotation Diet with my mother and my sister. I remember falling apart on a camping trip with some friends because they made eggs and sausage for breakfast and I ate them. I felt so guilty and was so worried about what my sister would say that I made up some story to convince my friend's father to take me home.
A lot of that is probably just wallowing in self-pity. But what I do know is that food is a minefield for me - I don't like cooking food that much because of it. And I get incredibly upset when people try to convince me to eat healthy.
Somewhere along the line, I decided that I simply would always be fat and there wasn't anything I could really do about it. I think I decided that very young, after yet another diet I was put on did not work. Diet, exercise, self-discipline - those were all words I came to hate, because they were things I was supposed to be doing, but all they did was make me miserable with no real result.
And now I am older, and I know what the right thing to do is (he said as he sipped at his soda from the gas station). And I still don't think I will ever be anything but fat. It is simply something I can't put willpower towards. Part of me simply thinks it is not going to work. Part of me doesn't want to live longer if I'm just going to he unhappy about it.
Of course, I'll probably feel differently when I get to the other end of my life.
It's been suggested I look into the surgical procedures for weight-loss. I looked up some stuff on it. It requires you to change your eating habits afterward - what's the point if you are just going to gain it all again? I don't know if I could do it.
Eating has always been a comfort measure, to some extent. In the last year, it's become even more so. I've been eating like crazy since January. I really don't spend my spare money on anything else, because it's the only thing that consistantly comforts me - I eat, it tastes good, I feel full, I've accomplished something that was exactly what I had intended. I can't think of any books I want to read - it all seems like too much of an emotional investment, and I never know when I am going to have time to read. Gaming books are the same, plus it reminds me that I don't ever game with them so what's the point? And, I tend to want to get all of the books in the line, so it becomes a huge money sink. Music is nice, but very few albums call out to me. Same with movies. Video games - I never have to chance to play them. And there just aren't many that interest me. Everything else just seems extraneous - things I'll never use or Mousie will break.
But food, I can use it the way it was intended. I can do it quickly. And it's mine. No one else can take it, I can't loose it once I've eaten and it's something I do for me.
Wow, that's pretty neurotic when I put it all out there like that, isn't it?
Quiet time is good time. I spent all of high school upset that I was so alone. And now, I crave time to myself constantly. Maybe it's the fact that my job is listening to people talk all day, listening to people get angry at me because they don't like what the company I represent is doing, listening people ask me for information and solutions all of the time and often getting upset at me because I don't have the solutions I want.
(As a side note, the WORST people to do support for are people who do support. You'd think that they would understand what it is like to be a support agent and go easy on people. Nope. They seem to see it as their chance to be the asshole for once.)
I'm a senior. I'm expected to be a leader, a role model. I'm supposed to help people, provide direction. And you know what? Most of the time I just want to be left alone to do the stuff I know how to do. The main perk is that, as a senior, I don't take incoming calls from customers - I have the luxury of time and deciding when to wade into the onslaught of needy technicians.
But still, silence is golden.
I am thinking I need to keep my mouth shut at work more often. I've fallen into bitching about people I work with a lot. Which is exactly what I worry about they are doing to me. I am definitely violating the Golden Rule here. I guess I'm tired of adding to the negative environment that is work, even if what I add is a trickle compared to the raging river of others.
It's past midnight and I'm blogging again. Why? It's the time I have.
And you can tell I'm getting tired, because my sections are getting short ;)
i've got to mention Sinnish. I don't know what life would be like if I didn't. :)
I'm still a little stuck on Sinnish, as it's developed enough to be vaguely usable, but not enough for anyone to really learn it. In this way, it's very much like Tolkein's languages.
I was all gung ho about learning Quenya, but there isn't enough of it out there to learn. It seems that all the real Tolkein linguists out there do is try to figure out what the hell Tolkein was thinking and how to fill in the gaps that he left. Then they say "well, we'll really never know" and spend the rest of their time pointing out where people are doing things with his languages that we can't verify were what he wanted. I like Quenya and even Sindarin (which is like Elvish Welsh), but it's obvious that it isn't enough to do anything but linguistically dissect - I want to be able to write in it too. I suggested pushing more into a Neo-Quenya mode in a few places, just taking what we have an runnign with it, adding words and such as need be. But the really fanatics worry about that. *shrug*
Back to Sinnish... I need to do more with it.
eleri wants me to write a primer. That way she can learn it and I'll have something to point others to. But I am having problems working on it. I don't quite understand language acquisition. And there is the time issue.I am also trying to figure out how to communicate style - Sinnish has developed some very definite styles of phrasing. How do you teach that?
Additionally, I want to write a guide to Sinnish/Raptured culture. The reason people like Elvish is because they like Elves. It's a pretty language, yes, but I doubt they would be all fluttery over it if it were the language of the Hobbits. People like the language because of the cultural baggage that comes with it. The same for Klingon. I remember reading that Tolkein himself made a comment on that sort of thing in respect to Esperanto. He thought it would have caught on better if there was a mythos behind it.
There has always been a cultural dimension to Sinnish, in my mind. And I don't mean just the Raptured story background either. Honestly, the Raptured background is just a caricature of some of my own beliefs and desires. And that is really is what has formed the basis for the unwritten cultural bias of Sinnish. It's a sort of 'how a culture would be if I designed it'.
A sexually open and positive culture, of course. But not an obsessed one. A sort of transcendental hedonism mixed with a technomystical libertarianism with dashes of neo-pagan theology. That's where my pantheon has sort of derived from. And it's all part of the same expression.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-09-15 04:30 am (UTC)just with more of a love and less of a sexual context, though I don't dissagree with the sexual context
on the first section
Date: 2003-09-15 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-15 10:13 am (UTC)YOU NEED TO WATCH BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.
YOU NEED TO WATCH BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.
YOU NEED TO WATCH BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.
YOU NEED TO WATCH BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.
YOU NEED TO WATCH BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.
YOU NEED TO WATCH BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE.
and especially watch his interview with Charlie Rose. God damnit if he didn't say the ezact same thing you did...
"Whatever happened to loving your country because you know you have a chance of making it into a truly good place..."
I watched it last night, and I'm changed.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-15 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-15 02:03 pm (UTC)i really do.
every summer since i was in 6th grade i managed to gain 20 lbs. every single summer. it never failed. and every single summer i told myself i wasn't going to, not matter what, because i didn't want to be the chubby girl at school. although i think it became a self fullfilling prophecy for me, cause looking back at pics of me when i was in 6th grade. i wasn't fat, i was womenly, but not fat. i just got breasts and hips sooner than everyone else, and god it scared me. and now, i know me being self concious about my weight often spirals me in to panic attacks. point and case? being over and friends houses and refusing to play charades because i "know" everyone is comparing me to the other skinny, well-adjusted, athletic, outgoing gfs. who are wearing skin tight clothes that looks good on them. so i go through spells where i don't eat, hoping that, if i could jsut be skinny and thin, my life would magickly be better. i heavily dislike sex with the lights on, walking around, meeting people, is kinda like... i dunno. don't look at me, i'm fat. life sucks. blah blah blah. i thnk the worst is going home and hearing my mom tell me over and over how i should be on a diet. even when i'm not home, her sending me diet stuff through the mail. people at work haivng hte nerve to give me free diet info. assholes. when we went hom for new mexico last summer and mom went on one of her "loss weight" speeches, eric jumped in with "she's beautiful, and perfect the way she is". later on i was so happy about that i cried with joy, cause in some way, thats all i've ever wanted my mom to say to me. and, i can never see how beautiful other people have seen me, no matter how many times eric told me, you told me, donna or kenna or chris or anyone told me, i could see it. i didn't, and don't want to see it.
and food, at best, it comforting yes, it's something easy to put energy to, and get out of it exactly what you expected to.
when we go out i take you out to dinner yes? some school loan money is in my account, and i'ld like to, especially to get some time alone with you.
Weight and Food.
Date: 2003-09-15 07:06 pm (UTC)However, as a pre-Naturopath, I do pay attention to things like this, and what I usually say is everyone has their "ideal" body size. For some people its a lot larger than others, especially because of physiological differences. (You know me - I'm marrying
As a pre-ND, I realize that though weight sometimes is a huge detriment to health, there are other things which are correlated to weight which are worse. A really poor diet (ahem - soda?). Lack of any noteworthy exercise. Also, stress and anxiety from weight, and other psychological disturbances related to this and body image. Etc. Etc. So I'd say as to this that in an ideal world, so long as you are taking care of your health -both physically and mentally- no one can say anything about your weight because that's just the way your body deals with the world and its inputs.
Speaking of inputs.
I loooooooove food too. One thing to do is to go for really fine food like well-spiced dishes, and exotic cuisines. Those feel really good, and are sometimes not that bad for you. (Or, in the case of some Japanese food --heavily fried tempura, for exampe-- not that good for you but fun nonetheless!) And as a sensualist I often indulge in good food as not a comfort but a reward and as special time and stuff. I love a good steak! I love heavy alfredo! Yay food! Our gift to ourselves!
Re: Weight and Food.
Date: 2003-09-15 09:40 pm (UTC)As for me diet, it sucks big rocks through a twisty straw. I'm an addict to soda. And carbohydrates. Not too much sugar, but all sorts of bad things (lots of cheese, greasy foods, etc). Honestly, my palette stopped developing at 14.
And this is the reason I don't pursue the sort of radical procedures I'd need to get my weight under control - I'd never stay there. There is something that is deeply depressing to me about what I'd have to do to make my diet better.
And someone pointed out to me that I am really self-medicating - I eat like I do (especially lately) in order to fight the stress and depression.
I dunno. This is one of those areas I just can't seem to get past my fatalism.
Re: Weight and Food.
Date: 2003-09-15 10:17 pm (UTC)He tells me you were interesting.
I still hear about you here in Grinnell.
Re: Weight and Food.
Date: 2003-09-16 06:44 am (UTC)Re: Weight and Food.
Date: 2003-09-16 05:02 pm (UTC)Re: Weight and Food.
Date: 2003-09-16 10:34 pm (UTC)weight issues
Date: 2003-09-16 11:45 am (UTC)I am just rambling again... grrr.