(no subject)
Jun. 20th, 2002 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediHi. Im gonna post a few things here that some people aren't gonna like hearing. So I'm LJ-cutting it. But I need to say some things.
I had a major fight with Eleri this last week. All sorts of stuff I had bottled up just came out and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be around anymore. And I was absolutely crushed for the next few days. I didn't know what I wanted. Several people said I had every right to leave - the kids aren't mine biologically, I'm not legally bound to anyone there, this isn't the life I wanted in the first place, I've been drained since I got there, etc.
As Eleri pointed out to me, I've surpressed most of myself ever since I heard that Eleri was pregnant. I simply assumed Mirriam was my child, because I was having a lot more sex with Eleri at the time that. And then Mirriam was my responsiblity. And on some level I felt that she was my fault - I didnt want a kid, but I'd been careless. She was my Mistake(tm) that I had to live with. That's a lot to pin on a little baby, dont you think? I always did. When I found out she wasn't mind, there was a bit of pressure lifted, because she wasn't a mistake any longer, she was a choice. And while Im not very happy with being a father figure, I have relazied in the past few days that I have already bonded to Mirriam as a father. I love her as my child.
But I can't continue to sacrifice myself like I have. And no one has really asked me to sacrifice this much. I just kinda slipped into it. And I think people think it's just how I am now. I just give too much and don't have much of a personality. I need more time to myself and for myself. More things I do for me, without just by default throwing aside everything I need. I want to game more. Get back to my faith. Find more people to love.
And I realized something. That I want to be with Eleri. And I felt silly for that feeling. If I wasnt happy why should I stay? Because I love her.
And I need to be who I am, who I was, not sacrifice who I am. And one of the most important things is how I love who I love. I love strong, fast, hard and long. And I want to be with Eleri because I love her and I want to do what it takes to make it work. Love may not conquer all, but it's the best reason to start the war. I want to make it work, share a part of myself with Eleri and derive joy from her and with her.
Because that's who I am. That is not the sacrifice. That is being true to myself.
And I need less stress. The house finances have stressed me out so much. So Im not going to do them anymore - I'm turning them over. But I want to keep some of *my* finances - my car payment, my student loan, my credit card. I have some say in my life that way without it affecting other people. It'll be my mess.
And I need to find the courage to say when I need something. Some time and energy and such. And I can decide better when I can give.
I had a major fight with Eleri this last week. All sorts of stuff I had bottled up just came out and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be around anymore. And I was absolutely crushed for the next few days. I didn't know what I wanted. Several people said I had every right to leave - the kids aren't mine biologically, I'm not legally bound to anyone there, this isn't the life I wanted in the first place, I've been drained since I got there, etc.
As Eleri pointed out to me, I've surpressed most of myself ever since I heard that Eleri was pregnant. I simply assumed Mirriam was my child, because I was having a lot more sex with Eleri at the time that. And then Mirriam was my responsiblity. And on some level I felt that she was my fault - I didnt want a kid, but I'd been careless. She was my Mistake(tm) that I had to live with. That's a lot to pin on a little baby, dont you think? I always did. When I found out she wasn't mind, there was a bit of pressure lifted, because she wasn't a mistake any longer, she was a choice. And while Im not very happy with being a father figure, I have relazied in the past few days that I have already bonded to Mirriam as a father. I love her as my child.
But I can't continue to sacrifice myself like I have. And no one has really asked me to sacrifice this much. I just kinda slipped into it. And I think people think it's just how I am now. I just give too much and don't have much of a personality. I need more time to myself and for myself. More things I do for me, without just by default throwing aside everything I need. I want to game more. Get back to my faith. Find more people to love.
And I realized something. That I want to be with Eleri. And I felt silly for that feeling. If I wasnt happy why should I stay? Because I love her.
And I need to be who I am, who I was, not sacrifice who I am. And one of the most important things is how I love who I love. I love strong, fast, hard and long. And I want to be with Eleri because I love her and I want to do what it takes to make it work. Love may not conquer all, but it's the best reason to start the war. I want to make it work, share a part of myself with Eleri and derive joy from her and with her.
Because that's who I am. That is not the sacrifice. That is being true to myself.
And I need less stress. The house finances have stressed me out so much. So Im not going to do them anymore - I'm turning them over. But I want to keep some of *my* finances - my car payment, my student loan, my credit card. I have some say in my life that way without it affecting other people. It'll be my mess.
And I need to find the courage to say when I need something. Some time and energy and such. And I can decide better when I can give.
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no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 11:51 am (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 12:23 pm (UTC)Really.
If you don't want to take over other people's Shit, then you don't have to. I've found that one of my biggest struggles in life has been to go through my head and figure out what wasn't mine and get rid of it. It sounds like you're going through a bit of the same, if more dramatically and on a larger scale. I know how hard that can be, but I wish you every form of good luck.
Just remember -- if you take care of what's yours, other people will take care of what's theirs. You are your own responsibility, anything else is optional.
no subject
no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-22 06:04 pm (UTC)I really like you with Eleri, and I'm glad you've decided not to move out. If I didn't say it before, let me say it now. I'll support you in whatever you think is right.
Much love,
~r