(no subject)
Dec. 22nd, 2003 10:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediIt's been a strange long weekend and some change.
So Friday I go to work. Miri was in Salem witg her grandfather so we'd had some actual rest.
Friday morning was not fun. I can only describe it bone-crushing depression. I was so incredibly depressed I nearly went to my boss and made up an excuse so I could go home. Nothing about work did anything but frustrate me and make me like my life less.
Eventually, I grabbed some food and that made me feel a lot better. Suddenly I could survive the day, or at least ignore most of the pain.
This has been happening a lot lately. I've been nigh into a nervous breakdowna nd then I'll grab something to eat and I'll feel better. And it's not like I'm not eating. I'm eating constantly and I'm hungry constantly. So I feel like crap. Then I eat. Then I feel fine for a while. After that, I get incredibly spacey for a bit and then I even out. Repeat.
Anyway, after work, I came home and and rested for a little bit before we went to pick up the kids from Salem. We brought a hyper little Mousie home and Kristopher.
Saturday was cleaning day. I cleaned up the bathroom and living room. Eleri tackled the kitchen and the ever-expanding pile of stuff on the kicthen table. We actually got an impressive amount done.
We rented a GameCube game for Kris to play. A surreal little game called Super Mario Sunshine which consists of Mario running around a goofy tropical island with a high-tech super soaker. He's been playing it all weekend.
Miri likes to watch him. She insists on having her own controller. The only spare ones we have are for Kris' old N64, so should holds that and plays with rthe buttons. But she's learned that controllers have to be attached to something. So ahe insists we plug her controller into the old N64, even though it isn't plugged into anything at all.
Miri was a complete psycho-Mouse all Saturday long. Nothing made her happy. Every time we put on a movie, she wanted to watch a different one. In order to get cleaning done, we have to put her in her room with the baby gate closed.
Late afternoon, the people from the Christmas box place showed up. You see, since Miri is disabled, we qualify for all sorts of programs. if it weren't for SSI, we wouldn't make it each month. And it also gives us enough extra that we can have some luxuries, like Internet and cable. But without it, we'd not be able to pay for food. And the Medicare keeps us from being permanently and inescapibly in debt.
This is why I simply don't have a problem with higher taxes. I have no problem paying taxes for stuff like this. Even on the things I'm not benefitting from, someone out there is surviving because of my money. Talk about government waste all you like, some people have a chance at life because of it. So the government is welcome to some of my money.
Anyway, one of the things we qualify is a 'Christmas box' from the Oregon Food bank. So we get a box of donated food and a toy or two for the kids. The peopel show up and they have five or six loads of stuff. Gift bags and wrapped boxes with presents for all three kids and three boxes of food and soap and toothpaste and several pounds of ground beef anf more.
I don't even know what to say to them, I'm speechless. I think they got the impression that I was unappreciative because I didn't say anything.
But I keep looking at all of this stuff. And I keep wondering, isn't there a family out there that needs all of this more than we? We struggle in a way, but we've gotten a lot of help from friends and support and gifts. We aren't dirt poor - we are 'working poor'. We have stuff, but never make enough to really be on top of it. Do I really need all of this? Who is not getting anything because of the fact that we've gotten it instead?
Eleri pointed out that if we hadn't found that kicker check from the government, that this would be all the presents the kids were getting. And Ryan said to view it as karma - that few people realize just what Eleri and I go through in taking care of Miri and we deserve a little bit of indulgence.
I don't know if I am convinced, though. I looka round and see so many things that are here because of the kindness of others. So many people have sent gifts and money, big amounts and little things. Ryan and Jenn are constantly buying us food and stuff. We really don't ask for stuff, but people volunteer. I wonder what I did to deserve such kindness.
I've spent a lot of my life getting help from others. I have always been borrowing a dollar here and a quarter there ever since I could remember. When I'd come home from college, my friends would take me out. When I lived in North Carolina, I was almost completely dependent on Loki.
I kept telling myself, when I finally graduate, when I get a job, I'll be the one giving things to people. I will pay everyone back. I will be the benefactor. I will return the favor. But that hasn't happened.
I just want to there to be balance. I want to be more than a burden on my friends, more than an inadequite support for my wife and kids. Not just financially, but emotionally. I don't mind the help from people too much - I just want to feel like I deserve it. And I want to give back.
It was a late night Saturday night. Miri got a late nap and stayed up late. I stayed up with her and kept staying up once she crashed because I really didn't have a place to sleep. Eleri woke up and checked on me at three. We shuffled kids around and I got to sleep.
Sunday I woke up as 8ish, I think. Miri was on her rampage already, but Eleri had taken the bullet to let me sleep. Eleri got more clening done and tie-dyed some shirts. She was far more productive than I.
My hand started to hurt. When I stretch my hand it aches. Like the tendon is swelling or such. I put a cold pack on it and nearly fell over. I had no idea how much it ached until it numbed a bit. And it felt like I had a fever in my hand. I was incredibly cranky all weekend and I figure that was part of it.
Ryan and Jenn came over so we could give them their presents before they left for California for the holidays. Ryan and I went to go get burgers for everyone and I bitched and moaned to him the whole time.
When I got back, I found a new computer set up on one of our dressers. Ryan and Jenn had put together a new computer for me. It's an AMD 1.8 GHz with 512 MB of RAM, CD-R and 128 MB Video card. And there was a copy of Uru there as well. I was caught completely off-guard.
So I am on that computer as we speak. I can now play Uru. I can install my Adobe software now that I have a system that can handle it. Once again, I am the recepient of uncommon kindness and generosity. I must have done something right in a previous life.
I get to work on Monday. We are even more severely understaffed than normal. My esteemed collegue called in sick again, we have one person on vacationn, one is off on Mondays and one was sent home early so he could come backt o handle the late shift.
After a while on the resource line, my mind turns off. I have to pass it off after I get three calls in a row where I have to say "I don't know, I have no ideas for you, you are on your own." Once again, I break down and buy some extra food to get me through it.
I get home and Mousie is once again in full form. However, a card from my mom with Christmas money has arrived. It's enough to get the kids a few more things and to get us a cheap router.
So now we have two computers connected to a router so we can both be on the net. I can play Uru while Eleri is on IRC. Of course, the other monitor has a major focus problem - I suspect it will give ELeri headaches after too long. But it's a step in the right direction.
I am amazed at the stuff we have collected. Sometimes it feels so tight - i feel poor. But I look and I have two computers, a DVD player and a PDA (which I never use). How can I even consider the thought of myself being poor with all that stuff?
Getting Miri to bed was an ordeal. She hit Eleri in the face again. Have you any idea of the effect on your psyche when you are getting beat up regularly by your own three year old daughter?
She got to sleep, though and I set up the computers. They talk to the net and to each other. I still haven't played Uru though. So much to get done. Programs to install. Sleep to get to.
My hands ache, but not as much as yesterday. Kris has been playing video games on the other computer. I've been reading up on the D'ni language (the language used in Myst et. al.).
Tomorrow, Eleri will be getting things ready for the holidays. Tomorrow night, she and the kids go to her parents' house. I come back because I work Xmas Eve.
I should sleep now.
So Friday I go to work. Miri was in Salem witg her grandfather so we'd had some actual rest.
Friday morning was not fun. I can only describe it bone-crushing depression. I was so incredibly depressed I nearly went to my boss and made up an excuse so I could go home. Nothing about work did anything but frustrate me and make me like my life less.
Eventually, I grabbed some food and that made me feel a lot better. Suddenly I could survive the day, or at least ignore most of the pain.
This has been happening a lot lately. I've been nigh into a nervous breakdowna nd then I'll grab something to eat and I'll feel better. And it's not like I'm not eating. I'm eating constantly and I'm hungry constantly. So I feel like crap. Then I eat. Then I feel fine for a while. After that, I get incredibly spacey for a bit and then I even out. Repeat.
Anyway, after work, I came home and and rested for a little bit before we went to pick up the kids from Salem. We brought a hyper little Mousie home and Kristopher.
Saturday was cleaning day. I cleaned up the bathroom and living room. Eleri tackled the kitchen and the ever-expanding pile of stuff on the kicthen table. We actually got an impressive amount done.
We rented a GameCube game for Kris to play. A surreal little game called Super Mario Sunshine which consists of Mario running around a goofy tropical island with a high-tech super soaker. He's been playing it all weekend.
Miri likes to watch him. She insists on having her own controller. The only spare ones we have are for Kris' old N64, so should holds that and plays with rthe buttons. But she's learned that controllers have to be attached to something. So ahe insists we plug her controller into the old N64, even though it isn't plugged into anything at all.
Miri was a complete psycho-Mouse all Saturday long. Nothing made her happy. Every time we put on a movie, she wanted to watch a different one. In order to get cleaning done, we have to put her in her room with the baby gate closed.
Late afternoon, the people from the Christmas box place showed up. You see, since Miri is disabled, we qualify for all sorts of programs. if it weren't for SSI, we wouldn't make it each month. And it also gives us enough extra that we can have some luxuries, like Internet and cable. But without it, we'd not be able to pay for food. And the Medicare keeps us from being permanently and inescapibly in debt.
This is why I simply don't have a problem with higher taxes. I have no problem paying taxes for stuff like this. Even on the things I'm not benefitting from, someone out there is surviving because of my money. Talk about government waste all you like, some people have a chance at life because of it. So the government is welcome to some of my money.
Anyway, one of the things we qualify is a 'Christmas box' from the Oregon Food bank. So we get a box of donated food and a toy or two for the kids. The peopel show up and they have five or six loads of stuff. Gift bags and wrapped boxes with presents for all three kids and three boxes of food and soap and toothpaste and several pounds of ground beef anf more.
I don't even know what to say to them, I'm speechless. I think they got the impression that I was unappreciative because I didn't say anything.
But I keep looking at all of this stuff. And I keep wondering, isn't there a family out there that needs all of this more than we? We struggle in a way, but we've gotten a lot of help from friends and support and gifts. We aren't dirt poor - we are 'working poor'. We have stuff, but never make enough to really be on top of it. Do I really need all of this? Who is not getting anything because of the fact that we've gotten it instead?
Eleri pointed out that if we hadn't found that kicker check from the government, that this would be all the presents the kids were getting. And Ryan said to view it as karma - that few people realize just what Eleri and I go through in taking care of Miri and we deserve a little bit of indulgence.
I don't know if I am convinced, though. I looka round and see so many things that are here because of the kindness of others. So many people have sent gifts and money, big amounts and little things. Ryan and Jenn are constantly buying us food and stuff. We really don't ask for stuff, but people volunteer. I wonder what I did to deserve such kindness.
I've spent a lot of my life getting help from others. I have always been borrowing a dollar here and a quarter there ever since I could remember. When I'd come home from college, my friends would take me out. When I lived in North Carolina, I was almost completely dependent on Loki.
I kept telling myself, when I finally graduate, when I get a job, I'll be the one giving things to people. I will pay everyone back. I will be the benefactor. I will return the favor. But that hasn't happened.
I just want to there to be balance. I want to be more than a burden on my friends, more than an inadequite support for my wife and kids. Not just financially, but emotionally. I don't mind the help from people too much - I just want to feel like I deserve it. And I want to give back.
It was a late night Saturday night. Miri got a late nap and stayed up late. I stayed up with her and kept staying up once she crashed because I really didn't have a place to sleep. Eleri woke up and checked on me at three. We shuffled kids around and I got to sleep.
Sunday I woke up as 8ish, I think. Miri was on her rampage already, but Eleri had taken the bullet to let me sleep. Eleri got more clening done and tie-dyed some shirts. She was far more productive than I.
My hand started to hurt. When I stretch my hand it aches. Like the tendon is swelling or such. I put a cold pack on it and nearly fell over. I had no idea how much it ached until it numbed a bit. And it felt like I had a fever in my hand. I was incredibly cranky all weekend and I figure that was part of it.
Ryan and Jenn came over so we could give them their presents before they left for California for the holidays. Ryan and I went to go get burgers for everyone and I bitched and moaned to him the whole time.
When I got back, I found a new computer set up on one of our dressers. Ryan and Jenn had put together a new computer for me. It's an AMD 1.8 GHz with 512 MB of RAM, CD-R and 128 MB Video card. And there was a copy of Uru there as well. I was caught completely off-guard.
So I am on that computer as we speak. I can now play Uru. I can install my Adobe software now that I have a system that can handle it. Once again, I am the recepient of uncommon kindness and generosity. I must have done something right in a previous life.
I get to work on Monday. We are even more severely understaffed than normal. My esteemed collegue called in sick again, we have one person on vacationn, one is off on Mondays and one was sent home early so he could come backt o handle the late shift.
After a while on the resource line, my mind turns off. I have to pass it off after I get three calls in a row where I have to say "I don't know, I have no ideas for you, you are on your own." Once again, I break down and buy some extra food to get me through it.
I get home and Mousie is once again in full form. However, a card from my mom with Christmas money has arrived. It's enough to get the kids a few more things and to get us a cheap router.
So now we have two computers connected to a router so we can both be on the net. I can play Uru while Eleri is on IRC. Of course, the other monitor has a major focus problem - I suspect it will give ELeri headaches after too long. But it's a step in the right direction.
I am amazed at the stuff we have collected. Sometimes it feels so tight - i feel poor. But I look and I have two computers, a DVD player and a PDA (which I never use). How can I even consider the thought of myself being poor with all that stuff?
Getting Miri to bed was an ordeal. She hit Eleri in the face again. Have you any idea of the effect on your psyche when you are getting beat up regularly by your own three year old daughter?
She got to sleep, though and I set up the computers. They talk to the net and to each other. I still haven't played Uru though. So much to get done. Programs to install. Sleep to get to.
My hands ache, but not as much as yesterday. Kris has been playing video games on the other computer. I've been reading up on the D'ni language (the language used in Myst et. al.).
Tomorrow, Eleri will be getting things ready for the holidays. Tomorrow night, she and the kids go to her parents' house. I come back because I work Xmas Eve.
I should sleep now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 05:20 am (UTC)You're doing things right in *this* life. Things that matter. You're a good, kind, loving person who gives his all. Which is why people love and respond to you.
Enjoy the new 'puter. :)
Gessi
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 06:22 am (UTC)Amen to that. I would rather some money to to fraud than risk a family falling through the cracks. And that's what a lot of conservatives don't understand -- that "reform" often means "more people who deserve this don't get it".
I've spent a lot of my life getting help from others. I have always been borrowing a dollar here and a quarter there ever since I could remember. When I'd come home from college, my friends would take me out. When I lived in North Carolina, I was almost completely dependent on Loki.
Eh, no big deal. You need to stop obsessing about the Giant Balance Sheet.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 06:30 am (UTC). . . Giant Balance Sheet. . . .
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 09:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 05:39 pm (UTC)You provide more than you know.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 07:34 am (UTC)Video games can be really great for children, sure they don't teach a lot of communication, but really, get mirri addicted to something like that and some of her terror days might settle. especially if you used it like a reward? just an idea.
We really don't ask for stuff, but people volunteer. I wonder what I did to deserve such kindness. Truer friends give not when they are asked, but when they see they are needed.
the truth is you and Eleri work very hard taking care of mouse and you're self. It may not seem that way, cause it seems like life is always making us did out of one hole or another, but what ever good comes your way, i'm sure you deserve it. be thankful and try to believe that you do too.
I do have a holiday/present/care package thing for you guys, but it will be mailed late. I'm supposed to be out of my apartment by the 1st, or i'll be evicted. so once my life settles down again, i'll send it, ok hon?
I love you and be well.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 09:14 am (UTC)Thinking about what you've mentioned about feeling off/balance at work until you get some food in you. Sounds alot like what I was going through, until I found out I was hypoglycemic.Mood Swings, and anxious feelings. Getting off flour, sugar and soda pop and having lots of frequent protein snacks really helped me...
enjoy your new computer, and have a lovely holiday :)
no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 09:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-23 12:23 pm (UTC)In jewish tradition, the poor are to be comended for giving others the oportunity to do good in the world.
And the fact is, you do a lot of good in this life - it's just hard to see that when your family needs so very much.
Learning to accept help from others is one of the lessons I'm learning now. It's not an easy lesson.