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Dec. 29th, 2003 03:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediI've noticed that my journaling style has changed. I sued to post thoughts and musings and have shifted to more autobiographical postings. I'd originally decided not to do postings about my day and the minutae of my life because I always fond that sort of thing pretty boring. But I've sort of run out of other things to say.
Xmas was good this year. I didn't view it with the usual sense of dread. You see, since was a teenager, I stopped really enjoying Xmas. The holidays were always such traumatic times for me. It's when our house would be invaded by tons of loud relatives and I had to deal with them. Seeing my social anxiety for what it is now, I can see why I spent a lot fo my time holed up in my room. Xmas itself means very little to me. It's just not a set of symbols that I internalized to any extent. And having to buy a bunch of presents all at once for people always makes me nervous - did I forget anyone, will they like it, where am I getting the money for all of this, etc.
It was less stressful this year.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
daenin found a check for us from the government that was sent to the old place - it'd fallen behind something. So suddenly we have money to get people things. And the Xmas itself was pretty relaxed. It was nice to be around family, even if I am still in perpetual need of time alone. I'm getting along pretty well with eleri's father pretty well. We are finding a few things to talk about.
I got some nice stuff, but I think the best part was being able to sleep in a little bit. That's been something I've missed a lot of.
I'm conflicted about holidays. Few of them have that much of a resonance for me. A lot of the standard ones sort of roll off me. When I lived in North Carolina, I spent most of Thanksgiving and Xmas by myself. It was nice. Quite time just for me. New Years is okay, but 4th of July, Easter, etc just never did much for me.
I was looking forward to observing the pagan holidays once I got out of college. But I have found that I really have the same sort of reaction to them as I do the secular and mainstream ones. They don't hold much significance for me. Beltaine is the only one that really holds much significance and I tend to be tired or just not in the mood to do much.
Part of it is that ritual doesn't seem to have much significance for me in the last few years. Part of it is it is simply a bother - doing anything ritually with Mousie around is nigh impossible for me. I always have half of my brain watching her, or at least worrying about what she might do. Heck, even when we go out to dinner, I am so high strung I can barely have conversation.
But ritual doesn't feel like it's accomplishing much to me. Maybe if I were more aware energetically I'd see some stuff happening, but as it is, it just feels like sort of like I'm waving my arms in the air. Even things like Thanksgiving dinner and opening presents seems sorta odd.
It's a spirituality issue. It feels like I've sort of let it fade in my life. I've looked at trying to rekindle it, but I don't know what I'd want to do with it. I sometimes think I need some structure in order to give me some direction, but I tend to chafe at any spiritual structure. I find it hard to have faith in spiritual structures. But without some sort of structure, I naturally just slip into a bare-minimum mode of existance.
I had tried to develop my personal pantheon, buit I began to realize that I wasn't developing much faith in them either. Eleri devloped more faith than I in the things I formed. Of course, she's always been much more receptive to spirituality than I.
I was thinking of making more of an effort to celebrate the pagan holidays this year. Maybe find some sort of personal meaning to some of them.
I was watching Top 10 Moments that Rocked TV, which is another of VH1's endless stream of Top Greatest Blah shows;. I've found that I actually like a lot of these shows. You pick up little bits of history throughout all of them. For instance, I hadn't heard if Meet the Rutles, and I didn't know that the guy from Limp Bizkit rushed the stage during the MTV music awards, climbed the seet and sat up above the stage for 20 minutes. Little details like that are great, especially from the high end or middle of the countdowns, because you are getting into areas of the genre that only the experts know about.
Those little details are the one I generally find the most interesting. They give history depth and character. They remind us that the past was as expansive and detailed as the present we live in. I don't really like I Love the 80s. It's mostly 'remember when this show was on..."fluffy reminiscing with lots of mean-spirited teasing. Nostalgia is one thing, but maliciousness disguised as 'edgy humor' is another.
I don't think there is anything shameful about liking the entertainment from the 80s, or 70s, or 40s or whenever. They all had their own flavor and context. The 80s had a very pulp flavor. It was okay to go over to top or gloss over realism. Just a matter of perspective really. I bet our entertainment will seem overly morose and angsty in a few decades.
I think I've developed an actual eating disorder. I mean, I've never been on for moderation with food really. But it's never been really complusive. Over the last year, it has become increasingly so. Yesterday, while I was pickign up a few things at the store, I passed by the deli with the premade food. And I had the sudden desire to just devour as much of it as humanly possible. Not just a fleeting though, but a sudden near-overwhelming strong need in the pit of my stomach and made me slightly dizzy.
I started drinking diet soda almost exclusively recently. Originally, it was a first step in lowing my sugar intake. And I have to admit, I'd been spooked by Ryan's diabetes and Corri (the 9 yr old) coming up as insulin resistant. Since then I've been craving sugar like crazy. I'm normally not a person for sweet foods, but I've just been packing them away.
Maybe it's the season. And the stress. Sometimes food is the only thing that seems to improve my mood. Once, It's a physical thing that makes me feel good. It's an accomplishment. It's something that is just for me. And once I've eaten, it can't be broken by a little rampaging 3 year old. I've sort of been passing up bying myself things with spare cash so I can use it for food.
But it's compulsive a bit now. I find myself having bought food on my way home, or buying an extra bag of chips at work or getting seconds when I'm not really that hungry.
Some suggested I try a low carb diet, just because I eata lot of grains and such. Part of me was horrified - I didn't know what I'd eat if nit for grains and carbs. Something about eating unpleasant food when you don't have to just makes me fundimentally depressed and not wanting to live life.
More later, maybe.
Xmas was good this year. I didn't view it with the usual sense of dread. You see, since was a teenager, I stopped really enjoying Xmas. The holidays were always such traumatic times for me. It's when our house would be invaded by tons of loud relatives and I had to deal with them. Seeing my social anxiety for what it is now, I can see why I spent a lot fo my time holed up in my room. Xmas itself means very little to me. It's just not a set of symbols that I internalized to any extent. And having to buy a bunch of presents all at once for people always makes me nervous - did I forget anyone, will they like it, where am I getting the money for all of this, etc.
It was less stressful this year.
daenin found a check for us from the government that was sent to the old place - it'd fallen behind something. So suddenly we have money to get people things. And the Xmas itself was pretty relaxed. It was nice to be around family, even if I am still in perpetual need of time alone. I'm getting along pretty well with eleri's father pretty well. We are finding a few things to talk about.I got some nice stuff, but I think the best part was being able to sleep in a little bit. That's been something I've missed a lot of.
I'm conflicted about holidays. Few of them have that much of a resonance for me. A lot of the standard ones sort of roll off me. When I lived in North Carolina, I spent most of Thanksgiving and Xmas by myself. It was nice. Quite time just for me. New Years is okay, but 4th of July, Easter, etc just never did much for me.
I was looking forward to observing the pagan holidays once I got out of college. But I have found that I really have the same sort of reaction to them as I do the secular and mainstream ones. They don't hold much significance for me. Beltaine is the only one that really holds much significance and I tend to be tired or just not in the mood to do much.
Part of it is that ritual doesn't seem to have much significance for me in the last few years. Part of it is it is simply a bother - doing anything ritually with Mousie around is nigh impossible for me. I always have half of my brain watching her, or at least worrying about what she might do. Heck, even when we go out to dinner, I am so high strung I can barely have conversation.
But ritual doesn't feel like it's accomplishing much to me. Maybe if I were more aware energetically I'd see some stuff happening, but as it is, it just feels like sort of like I'm waving my arms in the air. Even things like Thanksgiving dinner and opening presents seems sorta odd.
It's a spirituality issue. It feels like I've sort of let it fade in my life. I've looked at trying to rekindle it, but I don't know what I'd want to do with it. I sometimes think I need some structure in order to give me some direction, but I tend to chafe at any spiritual structure. I find it hard to have faith in spiritual structures. But without some sort of structure, I naturally just slip into a bare-minimum mode of existance.
I had tried to develop my personal pantheon, buit I began to realize that I wasn't developing much faith in them either. Eleri devloped more faith than I in the things I formed. Of course, she's always been much more receptive to spirituality than I.
I was thinking of making more of an effort to celebrate the pagan holidays this year. Maybe find some sort of personal meaning to some of them.
I was watching Top 10 Moments that Rocked TV, which is another of VH1's endless stream of Top Greatest Blah shows;. I've found that I actually like a lot of these shows. You pick up little bits of history throughout all of them. For instance, I hadn't heard if Meet the Rutles, and I didn't know that the guy from Limp Bizkit rushed the stage during the MTV music awards, climbed the seet and sat up above the stage for 20 minutes. Little details like that are great, especially from the high end or middle of the countdowns, because you are getting into areas of the genre that only the experts know about.
Those little details are the one I generally find the most interesting. They give history depth and character. They remind us that the past was as expansive and detailed as the present we live in. I don't really like I Love the 80s. It's mostly 'remember when this show was on..."fluffy reminiscing with lots of mean-spirited teasing. Nostalgia is one thing, but maliciousness disguised as 'edgy humor' is another.
I don't think there is anything shameful about liking the entertainment from the 80s, or 70s, or 40s or whenever. They all had their own flavor and context. The 80s had a very pulp flavor. It was okay to go over to top or gloss over realism. Just a matter of perspective really. I bet our entertainment will seem overly morose and angsty in a few decades.
I think I've developed an actual eating disorder. I mean, I've never been on for moderation with food really. But it's never been really complusive. Over the last year, it has become increasingly so. Yesterday, while I was pickign up a few things at the store, I passed by the deli with the premade food. And I had the sudden desire to just devour as much of it as humanly possible. Not just a fleeting though, but a sudden near-overwhelming strong need in the pit of my stomach and made me slightly dizzy.
I started drinking diet soda almost exclusively recently. Originally, it was a first step in lowing my sugar intake. And I have to admit, I'd been spooked by Ryan's diabetes and Corri (the 9 yr old) coming up as insulin resistant. Since then I've been craving sugar like crazy. I'm normally not a person for sweet foods, but I've just been packing them away.
Maybe it's the season. And the stress. Sometimes food is the only thing that seems to improve my mood. Once, It's a physical thing that makes me feel good. It's an accomplishment. It's something that is just for me. And once I've eaten, it can't be broken by a little rampaging 3 year old. I've sort of been passing up bying myself things with spare cash so I can use it for food.
But it's compulsive a bit now. I find myself having bought food on my way home, or buying an extra bag of chips at work or getting seconds when I'm not really that hungry.
Some suggested I try a low carb diet, just because I eata lot of grains and such. Part of me was horrified - I didn't know what I'd eat if nit for grains and carbs. Something about eating unpleasant food when you don't have to just makes me fundimentally depressed and not wanting to live life.
More later, maybe.
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Date: 2003-12-29 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 05:48 pm (UTC)Limp BizkitRage Against the Machine
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Date: 2003-12-29 06:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 09:13 pm (UTC)Spirtuallity has always been a tough one for me. Organized faith has let me down in somany ways so many times, from christianity to wicca. Is there a hight power, sure. But how do I celebrate that or honor it if I do not sucomb to the rituals put forth by an existing communities put forth. But the holidays themselves seem hollow. and I really don't want to spend a holiday with people I don't enjoy spending time with. Mom was so mad the year I refused to co to Gma's for xmas. not sure how to reconcile these things. And as I look to bringing a child into the world I want to give them a sence of spirituality, but how if I can't find my own.
thought provoking. hmmmm
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Date: 2003-12-30 06:12 am (UTC)And yes, VH-1 does have some good shows. I find myself watching, amazed at the cultural value. I'm kinda disturbed that I like it though. It all feels very shallow.
And I think low-carbs would be a bad idea. especially for anyone (including myself) who already has problems with brain chemistry.