(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

State of the Blade


I've been playing Uru Live obsessively for days. I love learning new environents. I've already noticed my obsession with it, though. It's the same feeling I used to get when I used to MUD a lot - the need to go back at every available moment. It was pure escapism. And Uru is now, to a certain extent. Part of me just wants to get immersed and lost in it.

One of the things is the character I am playing. I went for a female avatar. (An afro-american one, actually - I have yet to see another afro-american one. Kinda emphasizes the demographic. I've met one Drow elf, but she doesn't count.) When I can, I prefer playing female characters, either in video games or RPGs.

novapsyche made a comment abotu how easy it is to pass online. In terms of gender, it's very easy.

There is a certain release in playing a female character - a way to get out the gender dysphoria in my head. I admitted my bisexuality to myself while playing a female character on LambdaMOO, for instance. My demeanor shifts a bit. I am more expressive, I flirt more, I am more social. There is a bit of wish-fulfillment in there for me.

I was futzing about in Uru Live with another person, also a female character. She was helping me with stuff as she'd gotten far on one of the puzzles. Some guy messaged her for help. She made a comment about how 'the boys don't like it when us girls beat them.' When she said that, I got all wibbly inside. I was 'one of the girls'. And that has a profound effect on me. It was tezhme - the feeling that all is right with the universe.

I know a lot of women who have said that they can't be good friends with other women, because of the amount of nastiness they encountered with other girls when young. Apparently pre-teen girls are the most vicious animals on the planet.

Similarly, except for a few exceptions like xiombarg and ryoganox, all of my close friends have been women. I like how women are friends a lot better than guys. I've never really liked being 'one of the guys'. It just doesn't fit well for me. I am a believer in the idea that there is 'masculine' energy and 'feminine' energy, and feminine energy feels more natural for me.

I have some very cliche reactions to feminine energy. I become incredibly horny-net-geek when passing on line. My libido is much stronger in a female persona. I would so be into the porn goddess archetype as a woman - which is why I envy people like eleri, mortalcity and others - I see them as having a direct connection to that power.

Also, my attraction for men is easier for me to handle in a female persona. Normally, I feel very awkward - I can't express those feelings well at all. But when I am in a female persona, my feelings for men come easier. I find myself thinking about men going "wow, he's attractive" in an offhand way, which hardly every happens normally. It doesn't occur to me much as a man. And my libido for women doesn't dampen at all in a female persona - it increases.

So I am still not sure what to do. I've avoided the 'woman trapped in a man's body' label, mostly because it doesn't seem t actually make me feel any better. I know a lot of very good trannies out there, but genderfuck doesn't do much for me besides make me nervous. But I'm finding it harder and harder to work around the gender dysphoria in my head. Sometimes, just considering myself a woman with a cock and beard seems to be the best compromise. But the inbetween state irritates me - reminds me of the problem I'm trying to ease.

I worry about this Uru character. I'm making friends. But I've had people get really angry at me before for taking female personas - they feel betrayed.

I dunno.

Comments

[odanu.livejournal.com]

As far as the betrayal issue goes, maybe if the relationship gets close enough that a gender confession would be appropriate, you should volunteer it, with an explanation like you gave above. It is true that young girls are vicious creatures...but women are also capable of incredibly complex emotional depth in relationships...perhaps it comes out of the politicking and backbiting of childhood...who knows.

As the spouse of someone with gender role ambiguity, I can say that it appears very freeing for him to assume female identity at times, if only in the safety of our bedroom or on line. I think that overall it is a healthy and beautiful part of him.

Just my POV, for what it's worth.

I'm curious

[ororo.livejournal.com]

My demeanor shifts a bit. I am more expressive, I flirt more, I am more social.

Is that what you believe females do, or do you feel you're acting naturally?

Re: I'm curious

[vaxjedi]

Hm. Good question. It may be a bit of both, in an odd way.

It feels much more natural - it's how I wish I was a lot of the time and feels sorta like my niche. I am naturally an outrageous flirt, and I like interacting with people. I think it's an extreme lack of self-esteem that prevents me from expressing that. In a female persona, I feel less awkwardness. I find it very hard to be proud of my 'masculinity'. Even the phrase makes me uncomfortable. But the concept of being proud of femininity makes sense to me on such a basic level that I can't full describe why.

At the same time, it seems safer to do be flirty and social and outspoken in a female persona. In college, a few people referred to me as a 'predator' because of my flirting. Sexually expressive men are seen as 'aggressors' and 'predators'. And I don't see myself there at all. I'm passive. It's not that 'women are flirty thus to be feminine I must be flirty'. There is a part of it that is 'women are allowed to be that and thus make more sense to me'.

This is why I am on the fence about a lot of my gender issues. Sometimes it seems like I genuinely have gender dysphoria - my body feels wrong, the impulses in my head don't feel like they quite match with what I get from my body. Yet I know there are things about a woman's body I'd probably not like, such as menstration.

Other times, it's part of the social position that I crave. And yes I do know that women are very often discriminated against and deal with thing I don't even have to think of (like being worried while walking alone at night, having my skills discounted because of my gender, an socially-engineered extreme focus on appearence, etc). But the psychology, room and mode for expressiveness and spiritual nature seem to fit a lot better for me than a man's.

Of course, that may simply be greener grass on the other side.

Re: I'm curious

[ororo.livejournal.com]

Interesting.

I was forced to wear short hair when I was a child and hated being mistaken for a boy, but I really don't understand the concept of "feeling feminine" that some people do. I'm Kate, y'know?

Well yeah, you know. :)

Never saw you as sexually aggressive, btw.

Re: I'm curious

[quility.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to say on this.

I'm glad you are thinking about it. and I want to express my support. *HUG*

But the reason I actually am writing rather than just enjoying reading and then being my usual silent self - is I wanted to say that I love menstration. I don't get the horrible cramps that some women get - so I'm lucky - but I think that I'm closer to the mysteries of life/ the divine / etc - when I'm menstruating. and I wish society didn't paint it as an awful burden. just my 2 cents.

gender stuff

[rhiawolf.livejournal.com]

just want to let you know that I sympathize.

This was my way of dealing with it, and I know it doesn't work for everyone. If taken the wrong way it can sound judgmental of transgenderism, which I'm really not - I can't claim to understand it, but I far from judge it! So yeah, this is just something that worked for me, and might occasionally work for other people.

I'm also going to write this in more woo-woo terms than I would usually use, because I think you'll understand me just as well either way, but if you'd like a translation back into psychological/scientific reality language, I can do that too. Makes very little difference to me, except that the "rational" explanation takes a little longer to type.

So, my soul is male. I've been female before, many times actually. Usually out of curiosity and wonder, and possibly once as karma for having been mean to women. I've never been a particularly feminine woman though, and the gender of my soul, though relatively balanced in its yin and yang aspects, is still male.

During puberty, I was really confused by my body. I was angry at being forced to deal with the mess and pain of menstruation. I was even more angry at being forced to deal with the pain of bras and the reaction of those around me to my breasts and the fact that I could never ever again even hope to convincingly pretend to be a boy without sugery. More than anything, I was angry that the boys I knew could now run faster than me. I was so angry and disgusted that I gave up on physical activity - it wasn't worth it if I didn't get the same fair chance of winning as all the other boys. I also thought my yoni was really ugly and gross.

Somehow, however (mostly due to a delighfully childlike and pagan twisting of some Mormon doctrine), I hit upon the notion that I had chosen to be born in my body for a reason.

I was a boy in a girl's body, but not trapped there. I had something special to learn from living my life as a boy in a girl's body.

As I got older and turned more deliberatly pagan, I got more and more in touch with this notion. Especially as I remembered some of my previous lives. I realized that I was meant to revel in and explore all aspects of being a woman, even some of the suckier ones, because when I got to be a man again *phew* I would be a better lover, a better friend, and generally a wiser, more balanced person.


And I _have_ learned so much. I could go on and on for hours (indeed I just deleted several paragraphs of digression) about all the good things that have come from me spending this life in this body, even if I feel more at home thinking of myself as looking more like a kind of Elizebethan sailor played by Vin Deisel (I was a privateer once).


So, I don't know if that's remotely useful to you, but I figured I would share. I think being genderfucked is just something we sometimes choose for ourselves as a way of gaining wisdom. Sometimes we probably do really trap ourselves to the point that we need to get out and physically change genders, but I think most of the time we're just supposed to go along for the ride and learn what we can.

Love,

Rhia

Re: gender stuff

[vaxjedi]

I haven't found much as a man taht I'm particularly fond of that I don't think I could experience as a woman. And as for the previous life thing, I don't remember any. *shrug*

It's good to know that my experience isn't so far out of the norm, though :)

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

But I've had people get really angry at me before for taking female personas - they feel betrayed.

That's awfully foolish. If I'm already pretending to be some magic-using person in the Myst universe, who has little to nothing to do with who I am in real life, why should I stick to playing my own gender?

I'm afraid I don't really have any wisdom for you. I am very grounded in and comfortable with being female. I don't even object to menstruation. I object to sexism, of course, but I wouldn't even consider trying to be male to avoid it. Don't get me wrong. I like men. My close friends are a pretty even mix of men and women. I just don't have any interest in becoming male myself.

Our culture has, I think, far too much of an investment in gender roles anyway. Biology is no longer the main constraint on our destiny. But still our culture clings to whether we have an outboard or an inboard motor to determine a major part of who we are.

[eleri.livejournal.com]

But still our culture clings to whether we have an outboard or an inboard motor to determine a major part of who we are.

I think this is the biggest issue... not that That-Which-Is-Blade should have a female body or a male body, but that society expects a certain expression based on what's there. It's also an issue when talking about this sort of thing. If someone feels more comfortable expressing themselves in a way that's usually associated with the opposite gender, then terms like 'gender dysphoria' and 'transgendered' start getting used, as if the ability to express oneself any other way than what society says your chromasomes should do automatically means you're in the wrong body.

I don't think so, myself. I think it means you're closer to being a whole person. If you can express both (and recognise them as a whole rather than 'feminine' or 'masculine' behaviors), instead of being molded one way or the other based on society, and the role models around you.

I think why many guys feel uncomfotable with expressing 'masculine' behaviours, is because they had crappy male role-models, who expressed those aspects in less than positive ways. So they see those aspects of being human as associated with negativity.

[vaxjedi]

Yeah. I'm never sure which it is - That the body is wrong or my perception of what it means to have a particular body is wrong.

[gax.livejournal.com]

You're able to articulate very well about yourself. I'm glad you wrote this, and I'm glad I read it. :)