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Feb. 10th, 2004 03:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediThere was a sort of slash fic I read once about Harry Potter (no really, there is a point to this). It was a goofy one about Harry being 18 and it being time for the Harry and his friends to be taught Sex Magic. There were a few good lines ("What sort of magic wand is that, Hermione??" "Oh it's a Hitachi."), but the bit that sticks in my head is how Harry was painted as not understanding it ("Sex magic? What's that?" "Wow, they don't let you out much, do they?").
So, at one point Hermione casts a lust spell. And the line went like "Suddenly, Harry was overcome by an incredible feeling. He desperately wanted to charge up to Hermione and... well, he didn't understand what exactly, but he definitely wanted to do it."
That's how I feel a lot lately. Like there is something that I desperately need to do or feel, but I have no idea what it is. It's like having a craving for food that you've never actually had, so you don't what it is you are actually craving.
I don't know if I am just tired, or depressed, or exhausted, or combination of both, but all of the things I used to love so dearly seem like such an effort. Sex, gaming, occult, linguistics, mathematics, reading, listening to music. It all seems vaguely useless, and looks like a road to disappointment.
The thing is I know I'm not supposed to be like this. I know this is not how I am meant to be. I know this is a malfunction and a divergence from my proper path in life. I know that I am meant to be a happy. I know I am meant to be strong. I know that I am meant to do fun things like go to play parties, get laid so much that I am pushed into an incoherent bliss. I know that I'm supposed to have a community of friends, lovers and partners. I know I'm supposed to be magickal - to be in tune with the Divine.
And this is a supposed-to that comes from inside of me. This isn't 'other people are telling me I am supposed to be this', this is something inside of me saying 'hey dumbass, this is not how it is supposed to be.' But I am not sure about how to get there.
So, at one point Hermione casts a lust spell. And the line went like "Suddenly, Harry was overcome by an incredible feeling. He desperately wanted to charge up to Hermione and... well, he didn't understand what exactly, but he definitely wanted to do it."
That's how I feel a lot lately. Like there is something that I desperately need to do or feel, but I have no idea what it is. It's like having a craving for food that you've never actually had, so you don't what it is you are actually craving.
I don't know if I am just tired, or depressed, or exhausted, or combination of both, but all of the things I used to love so dearly seem like such an effort. Sex, gaming, occult, linguistics, mathematics, reading, listening to music. It all seems vaguely useless, and looks like a road to disappointment.
The thing is I know I'm not supposed to be like this. I know this is not how I am meant to be. I know this is a malfunction and a divergence from my proper path in life. I know that I am meant to be a happy. I know I am meant to be strong. I know that I am meant to do fun things like go to play parties, get laid so much that I am pushed into an incoherent bliss. I know that I'm supposed to have a community of friends, lovers and partners. I know I'm supposed to be magickal - to be in tune with the Divine.
And this is a supposed-to that comes from inside of me. This isn't 'other people are telling me I am supposed to be this', this is something inside of me saying 'hey dumbass, this is not how it is supposed to be.' But I am not sure about how to get there.
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Date: 2004-02-11 05:30 am (UTC)I don't know what to say. If you ever want to chat/vent/rant, my AIM is HopeFEvey, and my YIM is HopeEvey, like my email.