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Feb. 17th, 2004 10:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediA bit on low-self esteem and libido...
Last night,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jennkitty and ryoganox said they'd take Mousie for us for the evening. We didn't get home until late, but eleri and I got some time to ourselves. When we went to bed, we quickly pounced on each other. And it was really good. One of the things what was best for me is that I felt strong.
You see sex has always made me feel strong. It isn't a dominance issue, really. I don't need to be in control, I just need to feel strong. I can be strong as a dom, or as an equal partner or even as a sub (though me feeling strong as a sub was very rare - it alweays seemed to emphasize my feelings or weakness). The better my partner got off (for various values of 'getting off') the stronger I felt. And the better it all felt. There is no middle ground for me in that area - feeling weak blocks all positive sensations for me. On the other hand, feeling strong magnifies it all.
Anyway, I felt very strong last night. And the sex was very good.
Until at one point, the concept of the Jade Mother was brought up. The Jade Mother was a way to try to conceptualize my feelings and views on the Goddess and divinity, sort created by a stream of consciousness one night when writing a post. It was a collection and personification of a lot of ideas and inspirations I've had over the years. And it was an attempt to personify those callings in my head to satisfy the need for a spirituality that felt more real and forceful in my life.
Eleri picked up the idea very quickly. In fact, what happened is what has happened with similar things with most of my girlfriends - while I came up with the idea, they actually got it, including the increase in spiritual confidence and strength. While these ideas come out of my head, I just don't get it.
So in the middle of incredible sex last night, She gets brought up. Suddenly, my libido dies. I go from strong and on fire to weak and burnt out in a minute. And I feel like a failure again, because the energy and vitality I so want was right there, and once again, I am incapable of taking it.
Eleri told me that since I created Her, I should think about changing Her, or at least Her expectations of me so I don't feel like I am failing all of the time. I told her it wsn't the expectations. But I realize that is only partly true. part of it is the expectations. It's the "I think I should be A. And if I am not A, I must be doing it wrong." That has become less of a portion of it over time, replaced by "This is what I want. Why can't I be what I want?"
But the majority of it was the shift was the sudden weight of responisibility. This is another angle at the "I must be doing it wrong," this time from the "I have to do this right" side of things. What it was is that the sex shifted in my mind from This-is-real-fun to This-is-my-job when She came up. And so many things which are my job are just without joy or so draining on me (or both) that when I file it as a job in my head, then I become...well....a grayface about it. Without laughter, without joy, just nose-to-the-grindstone and let's get this done.
This is so frustrating for me. Because I was right there. I was on fire. It felt good and it felt right. And then my neuroses came on and rained on my parade. And I'm frustrated that I keep on sabotaging myself. I've been trying to relax, trying to let things happen as they will. But they just don't.
I suppose that I am missing some lesson that I should be learning. Maybe it's just letting go and going on with life. Maybe it's just learing to relax, even in the glare of the Divine.
But I remember the call. The call to be spiritual, to be magickal, to make the flesh and joy of others my altar and sacrament. I wonder why I do not hear it any longer. I wonder when I lost my Grace.
When sex is good, when I feel strong, when I feel the pulse through me, it bypasses part of me. It's like it is happening outside of my unconscious mind. Something abot my conscious mind is the shortcircuit in all of this. So much that when I really feel it, if I try to talk, it begins to interrupt it. Yet I have a desire to verbalize it. Somehow, if I can verbalize it, it'll feel more real. But when I try, it feels hollow. When I talk dirty, it feels awkward. But when I hear people talk about it, it feels so right coming from them. It just feels like it comes from a distant place - a place I want to live.
The Jade Mother is the result of a conscious process. Maybe that's the problem. I can't divorce Her from my conscious mind enough to let her slip into my unconscious. At the same time, I don't like this tension between my conscious and unconscious. I want the parts of me to work together. I want to be whole.
What do I want? I want to be a prophet for this energy I so value. That's part of my gender dysphoria - it seems to come so easily to women. I want to feel it flow through me. I want it to flow through my actions and for it to guide my actions, like the Force but not so sterile. I want to connect to the Divine like I connect to a lover. To steal a line formrhiawolf, I want to suck God's cock. I want to fuck the Goddess from behind and eat Her out. I want my nervous system to be like a tuning fork, so Her ecstasy vibrates at the core of me. I want to make Holy Relics and write Holy Words in Magickal languages and have them be as real as I am or more.
And I want to experience it all myself. I want to be the prophet, and the pilgrim.
Last night,
jennkitty and ryoganox said they'd take Mousie for us for the evening. We didn't get home until late, but eleri and I got some time to ourselves. When we went to bed, we quickly pounced on each other. And it was really good. One of the things what was best for me is that I felt strong. You see sex has always made me feel strong. It isn't a dominance issue, really. I don't need to be in control, I just need to feel strong. I can be strong as a dom, or as an equal partner or even as a sub (though me feeling strong as a sub was very rare - it alweays seemed to emphasize my feelings or weakness). The better my partner got off (for various values of 'getting off') the stronger I felt. And the better it all felt. There is no middle ground for me in that area - feeling weak blocks all positive sensations for me. On the other hand, feeling strong magnifies it all.
Anyway, I felt very strong last night. And the sex was very good.
Until at one point, the concept of the Jade Mother was brought up. The Jade Mother was a way to try to conceptualize my feelings and views on the Goddess and divinity, sort created by a stream of consciousness one night when writing a post. It was a collection and personification of a lot of ideas and inspirations I've had over the years. And it was an attempt to personify those callings in my head to satisfy the need for a spirituality that felt more real and forceful in my life.
Eleri picked up the idea very quickly. In fact, what happened is what has happened with similar things with most of my girlfriends - while I came up with the idea, they actually got it, including the increase in spiritual confidence and strength. While these ideas come out of my head, I just don't get it.
So in the middle of incredible sex last night, She gets brought up. Suddenly, my libido dies. I go from strong and on fire to weak and burnt out in a minute. And I feel like a failure again, because the energy and vitality I so want was right there, and once again, I am incapable of taking it.
Eleri told me that since I created Her, I should think about changing Her, or at least Her expectations of me so I don't feel like I am failing all of the time. I told her it wsn't the expectations. But I realize that is only partly true. part of it is the expectations. It's the "I think I should be A. And if I am not A, I must be doing it wrong." That has become less of a portion of it over time, replaced by "This is what I want. Why can't I be what I want?"
But the majority of it was the shift was the sudden weight of responisibility. This is another angle at the "I must be doing it wrong," this time from the "I have to do this right" side of things. What it was is that the sex shifted in my mind from This-is-real-fun to This-is-my-job when She came up. And so many things which are my job are just without joy or so draining on me (or both) that when I file it as a job in my head, then I become...well....a grayface about it. Without laughter, without joy, just nose-to-the-grindstone and let's get this done.
This is so frustrating for me. Because I was right there. I was on fire. It felt good and it felt right. And then my neuroses came on and rained on my parade. And I'm frustrated that I keep on sabotaging myself. I've been trying to relax, trying to let things happen as they will. But they just don't.
I suppose that I am missing some lesson that I should be learning. Maybe it's just letting go and going on with life. Maybe it's just learing to relax, even in the glare of the Divine.
But I remember the call. The call to be spiritual, to be magickal, to make the flesh and joy of others my altar and sacrament. I wonder why I do not hear it any longer. I wonder when I lost my Grace.
When sex is good, when I feel strong, when I feel the pulse through me, it bypasses part of me. It's like it is happening outside of my unconscious mind. Something abot my conscious mind is the shortcircuit in all of this. So much that when I really feel it, if I try to talk, it begins to interrupt it. Yet I have a desire to verbalize it. Somehow, if I can verbalize it, it'll feel more real. But when I try, it feels hollow. When I talk dirty, it feels awkward. But when I hear people talk about it, it feels so right coming from them. It just feels like it comes from a distant place - a place I want to live.
The Jade Mother is the result of a conscious process. Maybe that's the problem. I can't divorce Her from my conscious mind enough to let her slip into my unconscious. At the same time, I don't like this tension between my conscious and unconscious. I want the parts of me to work together. I want to be whole.
What do I want? I want to be a prophet for this energy I so value. That's part of my gender dysphoria - it seems to come so easily to women. I want to feel it flow through me. I want it to flow through my actions and for it to guide my actions, like the Force but not so sterile. I want to connect to the Divine like I connect to a lover. To steal a line form
rhiawolf, I want to suck God's cock. I want to fuck the Goddess from behind and eat Her out. I want my nervous system to be like a tuning fork, so Her ecstasy vibrates at the core of me. I want to make Holy Relics and write Holy Words in Magickal languages and have them be as real as I am or more.And I want to experience it all myself. I want to be the prophet, and the pilgrim.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-17 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-17 08:22 pm (UTC)He leaves the "halls of wisdom" to rediscover what is wise and what knowledge is (his pilgrimage), and then the young man (the fool) journeys to hear the hermit prophecy.
I'm sure that's not much help, but at one point I thought that I was wise only to discover that I had much more to learn. Now I'm just a little lost, but no longer the fool.