(no subject)
Feb. 19th, 2004 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediAfter a generally relaxing day of no work, a good lunch (I actually ate salad) and the first appointment in a long time where a doctor pronounced everyhting with Miri as 'normal' (it was an appointment with an eye doctor), I went out to spend some time by myself. I wandered off to Carl's Jr by myself to sit down and eat and read a book (The Running Man by Stephen King).
After a little bit of my mind being suspended in a novel, I had a revelation.
I've cursed a lot of things over the last few years. I've cursed the fates and God for what they've done to my child. I've cursed myself for getting myself into this situation. I've cursed my wife and the rest of the family for creating such a toxic environment. I've cursed love and responsibility for not letting me get away from all of it when I have had the chance. I've cursed myself for being a fool.
But I realized that I am not where I am because of a curse. I am not where I am because I am a fool, or I was manipulated. My life is not a result of weakness.
My life is a result of strength.
I am where I am because I chose to do what I felt was right. Because I did not take the easy way out. I am where I am because I made the right choice. I didn't choose weakness, or suffering or pain.
I had always wondered if I'd make the right choice when things got tough, truly tough.
I am where I am because I am who I am and who I wanted to be. I chose the right thing to do. To care for a wife who'd given up on life and a child who would need me. To be there for them, and two other kids who I don't have direct parentage over, but still think of me as part of her family.
I am where I am because I am Blade. I chose love. I chose honor. I chose to protect, to care, to endure, to continue, to inspire. When the critical choice came, Blade finally did seize on the chance to show his quality.
And when my days are at an end, I will be able to step up to the Dweller on the Threshold and say, "I am Blade. Whatever final fate that providence brings me, I have not been in vain."
...
Maybe this is just a manic high, or the raving of a too tired mind grasping for meaning and self-important. And I know that the mists will descend on me at some point, and I will ache, and suffer and cry and beat the ground in despair.
But for right now it doesn't matter. For at least a little bit tonight, I have rediscovered my Grace.
After a little bit of my mind being suspended in a novel, I had a revelation.
I've cursed a lot of things over the last few years. I've cursed the fates and God for what they've done to my child. I've cursed myself for getting myself into this situation. I've cursed my wife and the rest of the family for creating such a toxic environment. I've cursed love and responsibility for not letting me get away from all of it when I have had the chance. I've cursed myself for being a fool.
But I realized that I am not where I am because of a curse. I am not where I am because I am a fool, or I was manipulated. My life is not a result of weakness.
My life is a result of strength.
I am where I am because I chose to do what I felt was right. Because I did not take the easy way out. I am where I am because I made the right choice. I didn't choose weakness, or suffering or pain.
I had always wondered if I'd make the right choice when things got tough, truly tough.
I am where I am because I am who I am and who I wanted to be. I chose the right thing to do. To care for a wife who'd given up on life and a child who would need me. To be there for them, and two other kids who I don't have direct parentage over, but still think of me as part of her family.
I am where I am because I am Blade. I chose love. I chose honor. I chose to protect, to care, to endure, to continue, to inspire. When the critical choice came, Blade finally did seize on the chance to show his quality.
And when my days are at an end, I will be able to step up to the Dweller on the Threshold and say, "I am Blade. Whatever final fate that providence brings me, I have not been in vain."
...
Maybe this is just a manic high, or the raving of a too tired mind grasping for meaning and self-important. And I know that the mists will descend on me at some point, and I will ache, and suffer and cry and beat the ground in despair.
But for right now it doesn't matter. For at least a little bit tonight, I have rediscovered my Grace.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 07:09 am (UTC)I think you're right and you give me hope.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 03:22 pm (UTC)I am Blade. Whatever final fate that providence brings me, I have not been in vain
Write that on a card, and carry it in your wallet.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 03:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 04:45 pm (UTC)Blade, you're thousands of miles away, our relastionship has changed and morphed into something that seems completely out of my control
And some days, like today, where I seriously considered committing myself to a hospital, you still manage to change my life.
I love you. Know that.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 04:58 pm (UTC)I'm glad that you were revitalized and renewed by it.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 05:12 pm (UTC)And thank God for that.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 08:45 pm (UTC)>I am where I am because I am who I am and who I wanted to be. I chose the right thing to do.
In the end, that's what counts.
I may not be much of a model, but as much as the few times you've made the momentous decision to do the right thing, the myriad daily decisions to do the right thing every day count, too.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 10:00 pm (UTC)I am glad that I was directed to this entry by
no subject
Date: 2004-02-21 10:43 am (UTC)the fact that you love....really truely and deeply *love* is an ispiration to us all...your one of the finest examples I know of what it is to be a good decent human being.
this is what I fight for blade...this is why I pick up my sword every day and carry it through life.