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Mar. 2nd, 2004 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediWork is a waste...
I was asked today to train the next class in the product I support by the person who got the trainer job I didn't get. Now, this was expected - he knows different products than I do - someone would have to do the first class so he could learn it too.
My first thought was "Great! I really want to do training." Then he told me the hours. One week is a swing shift. And I said, "Oh no... that's not going to work." I talked to Eleri and she reminded me of a few things that cemented that it wasn't going to work. I went back to the trainer and asked how set in stone the hours were. He said in general, they were. I told him I couldn't do evenings and I couldn't do Mondays (as I am off Mondays for Mousie appointments). So I told him he was out of luck. And he was not pleased.
I am not upset about this at all. But it's driven home something.
You see I was off yesterday (that Monday off thing again) and I missed the big software launch that we'd been training likemad for. I've spent most of the day trying to catch up and watching my new peer (hired a month ago) take a command of situation very well.
So I realize, I'm no longer appropriate for this job. I knew when I accepted the job two years ago that I'd be expected to put of 110% most of the time. And in general, I think I have. But over time, that requirement has climbed and climbed. I've watched myself get shuffled to the back because I'm not a leader, because I can't be as flexible as the other people in my position, because I can't give 150% anymore. And this doesn't bother me anymore.
The fact is, I make a very good leuitenent. I'm not a good leader, I don't like being a primary decision maker. I don't want to be 'more visible'. I don't want more stress and responsibility - I want to feel competent and do interesting things. I don't want to have to navigate a constantly shifting tide of issues and crises without sufficient information. I don't want to be a 'go-getter'. I don't want to be proactive.
What I want is to spend evenings with my wife and kids and friends without dreading the next day of work. I want to have to stop calling Eleri and trying to negotiate what my work needs versus what my family needs. I want to feel like I am doing something that matters, that wont be washed away in the next policy change. I want a workplace where people can actually be friendly.
I really have nowhere to go in this job anymore. I don't want it anymore. And it isn't a sort of 'my god get me out of here it's driving me crazy' feeling. It's very calm. This job is a waste of my time now, and me being in this job is a waste of my employer's money.
The money is the issue. I can't leave this position without losing money. And we are just barely making it as is. Maybe if I got my review on time and got a raise there it would leave us okay. I don't know. I'm just tired of this job. It's not worth my soul anymore, not when I have no hope of being what they need me to be.
I was asked today to train the next class in the product I support by the person who got the trainer job I didn't get. Now, this was expected - he knows different products than I do - someone would have to do the first class so he could learn it too.
My first thought was "Great! I really want to do training." Then he told me the hours. One week is a swing shift. And I said, "Oh no... that's not going to work." I talked to Eleri and she reminded me of a few things that cemented that it wasn't going to work. I went back to the trainer and asked how set in stone the hours were. He said in general, they were. I told him I couldn't do evenings and I couldn't do Mondays (as I am off Mondays for Mousie appointments). So I told him he was out of luck. And he was not pleased.
I am not upset about this at all. But it's driven home something.
You see I was off yesterday (that Monday off thing again) and I missed the big software launch that we'd been training likemad for. I've spent most of the day trying to catch up and watching my new peer (hired a month ago) take a command of situation very well.
So I realize, I'm no longer appropriate for this job. I knew when I accepted the job two years ago that I'd be expected to put of 110% most of the time. And in general, I think I have. But over time, that requirement has climbed and climbed. I've watched myself get shuffled to the back because I'm not a leader, because I can't be as flexible as the other people in my position, because I can't give 150% anymore. And this doesn't bother me anymore.
The fact is, I make a very good leuitenent. I'm not a good leader, I don't like being a primary decision maker. I don't want to be 'more visible'. I don't want more stress and responsibility - I want to feel competent and do interesting things. I don't want to have to navigate a constantly shifting tide of issues and crises without sufficient information. I don't want to be a 'go-getter'. I don't want to be proactive.
What I want is to spend evenings with my wife and kids and friends without dreading the next day of work. I want to have to stop calling Eleri and trying to negotiate what my work needs versus what my family needs. I want to feel like I am doing something that matters, that wont be washed away in the next policy change. I want a workplace where people can actually be friendly.
I really have nowhere to go in this job anymore. I don't want it anymore. And it isn't a sort of 'my god get me out of here it's driving me crazy' feeling. It's very calm. This job is a waste of my time now, and me being in this job is a waste of my employer's money.
The money is the issue. I can't leave this position without losing money. And we are just barely making it as is. Maybe if I got my review on time and got a raise there it would leave us okay. I don't know. I'm just tired of this job. It's not worth my soul anymore, not when I have no hope of being what they need me to be.
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yeah!
Date: 2004-03-02 06:02 pm (UTC)That's stated so well that I'd almost believe you were talking about MY job.
the thing i've been making myself see is the effect i have on those around me. I feel good about my job when i made someone elses difficult job a little easier. What matters is not how high you go, unless management is your dream career.
I'm here to get paid until i can get a better job and move on, just like most of the people around me. Maybe it'll happen soon, maybe not.
what i'm trying to say is that your coworkers have an immense amount of respect for you, your brain, and the work that it does. If that doesn't work, you can always fall back on your wall of apathy.
keep in mind, they don't deserve 110%, they hardly even deserve 3% per year.
:)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-06 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-06 10:56 am (UTC)