(no subject)

[vaxjedi]

On weakness (or the perception thereof)

I have to admit, I'm obsessed with the possibility of being weak. It's really the driving force behind many of my neuroses. My gender issues are partially rooted in it (being male makes me feel weak). My anxieties in social situations makes me feel weak (and is cause by feeling weak next to others). My obsession with sexuality stems in part form the fact that when I am sexual coreectly, I feel strong.

many people have pointed out a lot of strength in me. But, for some reason, I simply can't believe it. It's like believing that I am strong is a sort of crime in my mind, a dangerous road to self-delusion. Maybe I buy too much into "Pride goes before the fall." Confidence seems like a mistake to me a lot of the time, the first step to arrogance and to making a really big mistake.

I am trying to learn how to not undermine myself. When i act reflexively, in a sort of Taoist wu wei sort of way, I seem to do pretty well. It's consideration that seems to foul me up, the consideration of what if.

There is a part of me that's always waiting for the hammer to fall. Fo the jig to be up. Maybe I learned that in college - every semester I'd have a problem with school and fall apart. So I got used to my life falling apart on a regular basis.

It's not like that now. I don't fuck up on a regular basis. I'm generally well-respected at work. I am happy with my wife. My friends and loves seem to like me.

But I have a hard time believing that. And that's the thing I have to overcome, this almost-need to feel broken. But if I were to look at myself as if I were someone else, I wouldn't think of me as broken. I need to remember that.

Comments

[toilteanas.livejournal.com]

not being able to accept the truth about what your real strengths are IS a weakness. it holds you back from becoming stronger. imho.

[odanu.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I spent years feeling the way you do now. It took constant positive self-talk and self-reflection over most of a decade to get me to where I am now...mostly happy with a chance of scattered negativity showers.

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

What a lovey way to put it!

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

I still struggle against low self-esteem. Part of that, for me, is that anything I do or am can't be good, strong, or important. That's why I sometimes have a hard time seeing myself in a postive light.

Take my last LJ post. A positive description of it might go like this: a woman who owns her sexuality speaking comfortably about her feelings. But it's easy for me to see it as an inappropriate, vulgar outburst. I wouldn't think that if I hadn't written it, though.

You are strong, whether you see that or not.

[wolfprincess.livejournal.com]

Nothing vulgar or inapproperate about your post (I just had to read it)I think strong people are those that own up to their feelings and seek to conqure the ones that don't work for them ...yay sexual strength.

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[wolfprincess.livejournal.com]

I firmly believe that we are what we think... I had this debate a few months ago with a friend of mine. Think you are strong and you will act strong...than when the bad comes up and it will its not cause you are weak but cause the situation was out of your control.

As for the gender issue, I have a question ...Is it that you think males are the weaker sex, hence you are male you are weak or is it that you think you are a weak male compared to other males?

[vaxjedi]

Hmm.. I guess I'd say that men seem to be a bit weaker to me in the areas that seem important to me.

The most lasting image of manhood I have is from the Cosby Show, honestly. (I am a child of television) And pretty much every other episode involved Cosby's character having bend to his wife's wishes because she was angry. I remember very distinctly the jokes and bits, like the one where one of the daughters has gotten married and Cosby's character and the character's father sit down with the new husband and explain in excruciating detail that the key to a successful marriage is to apologize for any perceived error on your part, and to even apologize if you THINK your wife might be angry in any way, shape or form.

Men are painted as oblivious, clumsy, stupid, awkward, simple-minded and insensitive in almost every part of modern American culture. And I can't stand being put in any of those categories.

[wolfprincess.livejournal.com]

You can't stand being put into those catigories for one simple reason ...YOUR NOT in any of those catogories. Yes, you are male and look hard because its your strengths that are making you feel weak. Strength isn't something you have. It is something you are and hence need to display every time the opertunity arises.

[vaxjedi]

I think I am slowly beginning to get that through my head.

[wolfprincess.livejournal.com]

besides its better to combat that than to be female and expected to get by on good looks you just don't have....

[bhagwan.livejournal.com]

Our culture is a mirror. If a monkey looks in, no philosopher looks out.

Hammy misquotes aside, its really all about where you focus your attention. The sick and wonderful thing about our culture is that there is no unified cultural voice. For everything said about women, there is an equal and opposite argument being plied by someone else. Bill Cosby doesn't speak for me, however, nor does Bill O'Reily. To argue which of the three of us represents our culture's view on anything, however, is to miss the point.

In fact, our cultural stew of symbols not only contains disagreements about these things, but outright contradictions.

When your brain is tuned in to see the negative impressions, you'll notice that kind to the preference of the opposing voices. Just like ( and I know you know this stuff ) when you buy a car or you hear an unusual word or concept, or otherwise allocate some degree of focus to any idea then, suddenly, the world is full of blue Ford Escorts, Marianism, and the number 23.

[bloodlikerain.livejournal.com]

hrm. tarot cards say it might be time to seriously consider counseling....

[vaxjedi]

Yeah. I've been meaning to. I even contacted a few a few weeks ago. Then I had an upswing and felt good about myself and didn't follow up on it.

[bloodlikerain.livejournal.com]

hrm, i'd like to do a reading for you. nodnod.

hugs.