I Hate Goodbyes
Apr. 24th, 2004 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediSo today was my last day at Stream International (and other assorted thoughts)...
I realized last night that I've been working at Stream for 4 and a half years. That is almost as much time as I spent in college (actually in college - I was kicked out for two years in the middle of it). Stream has been a huge part of my life for so long. I am actually very nervous about the future. It's such a big unknown now. I'd become very comfortable in some ways at Stream. So I guess it was time to do soemthing new.
I got a lot of goodbyes today. That really surprised me. I'd always assumed that I was sort of the 'stealth senior' on my team - I was the one no one ever really noticed. One of the other seniors told me as such once.
But I got a lot of people who seemed genuinely to feel that me leaving was a loss for the team, as opposed to just another staffing change. I was told repeatedly that they didn't know how anyone could replace me. Chad (one of the managers) even said he felt I was irreplacible (high praise from Chad). Pam (my manager) couldn't give me my review because she said she'd just break down and cry. Even the brand new people who'd been on the floor a month said they'd miss me.
I know this sounds like a little bit of ego self-stroking. But I honestly didn't that me leaving would have such an effect on so many people. I figured I'd get a few good-byes and I'd walk quietly away from the team, just like I do with most groups of people when it's time for me to leave. I'm used to exiting unnoticed, either by circumstance or design.
I have to admit, I almost feel bad about leaving. I feel like I've betrayed a family. Sure, a dysfunctional maladjusted family, but a family nonetheless. I mean, Pam was around when Miri was born. I remember talking to CJ about the sudden faint spells he had. They turned out to be the first indication of the brain tumor that eventually took his life.
There is just more of me in that place than I expected. And it seems I was noticed a lot more than I had ever considered.
Unlike most of the rest of the Portland area, I don't consider Stream an inherently toxic place. I had a good run there. I'm proud of the work I did there. If Stream had been able to match the pay I'll be getting at my new position (or even come relatively close), I would have probably stayed.
The phrase I said the most at work today was "I'm glad I made a difference." I meant that. There is something about being missed that is satisfying. Not in a malicious way, but as an evidence that I did well in the position.
It's always been important to me to be remembered fondly. When I said that to Pam as I was leaving, that's what got me the closest to crying. The fact that I made all of those people's lives a little better means I succeeded at being alive, if just a little bit.
Eleri and I got Pam a card and some presents. We got her a miniture rose in a nice pot, and a nice necklace with a blue stone pendant. It was nice to show my appreciation to her. Especially in this way - no way for anyone to get the sense that I was brown-nosing.
In a little more ego self-stroking, there is something satisfying to, when your manager is walking you out to the door, she stops at door and says loudly to the floor, "Scott Hamilton has left the building."
It may make place me in the insane category in the minds of most of the technically minded people in the Portland area, but I'm going to miss Stream. I really am.
I realized last night that I've been working at Stream for 4 and a half years. That is almost as much time as I spent in college (actually in college - I was kicked out for two years in the middle of it). Stream has been a huge part of my life for so long. I am actually very nervous about the future. It's such a big unknown now. I'd become very comfortable in some ways at Stream. So I guess it was time to do soemthing new.
I got a lot of goodbyes today. That really surprised me. I'd always assumed that I was sort of the 'stealth senior' on my team - I was the one no one ever really noticed. One of the other seniors told me as such once.
But I got a lot of people who seemed genuinely to feel that me leaving was a loss for the team, as opposed to just another staffing change. I was told repeatedly that they didn't know how anyone could replace me. Chad (one of the managers) even said he felt I was irreplacible (high praise from Chad). Pam (my manager) couldn't give me my review because she said she'd just break down and cry. Even the brand new people who'd been on the floor a month said they'd miss me.
I know this sounds like a little bit of ego self-stroking. But I honestly didn't that me leaving would have such an effect on so many people. I figured I'd get a few good-byes and I'd walk quietly away from the team, just like I do with most groups of people when it's time for me to leave. I'm used to exiting unnoticed, either by circumstance or design.
I have to admit, I almost feel bad about leaving. I feel like I've betrayed a family. Sure, a dysfunctional maladjusted family, but a family nonetheless. I mean, Pam was around when Miri was born. I remember talking to CJ about the sudden faint spells he had. They turned out to be the first indication of the brain tumor that eventually took his life.
There is just more of me in that place than I expected. And it seems I was noticed a lot more than I had ever considered.
Unlike most of the rest of the Portland area, I don't consider Stream an inherently toxic place. I had a good run there. I'm proud of the work I did there. If Stream had been able to match the pay I'll be getting at my new position (or even come relatively close), I would have probably stayed.
The phrase I said the most at work today was "I'm glad I made a difference." I meant that. There is something about being missed that is satisfying. Not in a malicious way, but as an evidence that I did well in the position.
It's always been important to me to be remembered fondly. When I said that to Pam as I was leaving, that's what got me the closest to crying. The fact that I made all of those people's lives a little better means I succeeded at being alive, if just a little bit.
Eleri and I got Pam a card and some presents. We got her a miniture rose in a nice pot, and a nice necklace with a blue stone pendant. It was nice to show my appreciation to her. Especially in this way - no way for anyone to get the sense that I was brown-nosing.
In a little more ego self-stroking, there is something satisfying to, when your manager is walking you out to the door, she stops at door and says loudly to the floor, "Scott Hamilton has left the building."
It may make place me in the insane category in the minds of most of the technically minded people in the Portland area, but I'm going to miss Stream. I really am.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 08:14 am (UTC)>>hugshugs<<
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 09:13 am (UTC)Now.. New adventures? *grins*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 01:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 11:39 am (UTC)good for you that you 'made a difference'- so few of us can say that. Really.
and i know how you feel about being scared... i'm strating work on monday after being unemployed for 2 years. i'm frightened to death!
at least i know i'm not alone!
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 08:15 pm (UTC)every ounce of it positive
you were followed by waves of respect that i don't know you could even perceive
congratulations and good luck on your new journey
i hope to soon follow you