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May. 4th, 2004 09:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediI haven't been talking much lately, nor have I been keeping up on other people's journals very much. I've been kinda wrapped up in myself lately.
I've hit kinda a low period lately. All the usual stuff. The new job has actually aggravated it a bit.
You see, as low as I was feeling, often when I went to work, I could fall back on routine. I'd done the things I did at Stream so many times that I could run on autopilot until I got my mind together. Or some days, I just ran on autopilot all of the way through.
Being in a new situation where I need to learn a lot and I am getting little support for it has taken that away. So I'm stressed out a bit more and wearing out more quickly. This company is going to be good for me in the long run, but the transition is going to be difficult. I suspect the change in general will do me good as well.
The hammer is finally going to fall.
I've been fearing this since I was 5 years old. You see, I've always been fat. In fact, I simply can't remember a time in my life where I haven't been fat. (20 years ago, I was an outcast - now I'm just a number in the epidemic. Go figure.) My sister has been telling me as long as I could remember that it was going to hurt me. So much that I really just accepted it as my lot. I'd assumed for years that I wasn't going to make it past 20 (as my sister told me).
I did try, and there were even times I thought it would work. Of course, I was like 9. I'd been on so many diets in my life. Fad diets, doctor proscribed diets, etc. They might work for a little bit, but never very much. The only time I really lost weight was my late teens, during the big pubescent growth spurt (I was a late bloomer) and I wasn't even on a diet then.
So being fat is part of who I am. And I learned to hate the term 'healthy'. It meant 'suffering'. It meant 'no reason to live'.
But I've always been waiting for the point where I go to a doctor and am not just told that I am fat, but I am sick because of it. I think that's going to be this month.
I got bloodwork done a few months ago - I haven't had a real check up in years. I've been really tired for years. And Ive been fighting off major depression, for a variety of reasons. A few months ago, I noticed that when I ate had huge and abrupt effects on my moods. And I've been hungier for the last year or so than I have been since I was a teen. So time to see the doctor.
I haven't actually seen the doctor yet - she cancelled the first time, I did the second time and then new job with new insurance, etc etc etc. I got a report in the mail though. Blood sugar was one point above the normal range. Colesterol was fairly low, but most of it was 'bad' colesterol. My triglycerides were really high though.
I read up on it. I need to 'exercise and eat healthy and lose weight' to deal with it. And I guess I'm going to have to.
But it depresses me to no end. It feels like going back finally to 'life is spposed to be unpleasant'. yeah, I know that I'll probably feel better and I'll have more energy and my libido will come back and all of that. But... I don't know. It just seems... depressing.
Maybe I'm finally feeling my age. 30 isn't that old at all. But I can feel myself running down more.
I got glasses last week. They are just reading glasses. My distance vision is good, better than average (20/15). But I have a slight stigmatism in my right eye. And my eyes are tired from looking at a computer screen all day.
I'm trying to get used to them, using them at work while I'm on the computer. Maybe that's making me feel older. That and the fact my knees hurt most of the time now.
I'm not that old, really. I just feel like it. And maybe that's the problem. In college, I felt too young - even when I was the oldest person around and had been around the longest, I always felt like I was too inexperienced, too naive, too irresponsible. Now, I feel too tired.
As much as I am dreading the doctor, I'm hoping we can find something that will help me. I want my life back. I want my energy back.
Have you heard of the city? The deep city, the ancient Uru?
Those are Yeesha's words. She says them in her first speech in the game Uru. Everytime I hear them, my heart bottoms out. Yes, it's just a game. But playing Myst and it has always been like living a myth, like walking through legend itself.
Yes, I know of the deep city. I know D'ni. It holds more meaning for me than Washington DC, or Jerusalem.
It's amazing how much pain can teach us about pleasure. It seems that I have to be going through some sort of emotional trauma before I figure out certain things. Not a particularly unique process, but still an unpleasant one.
I guess it's just the metaphysical equivilent of the 'blow to the head makes my mood better' thing.
I am still learning Rapture. I am learning that it is wider than I ever thought. There is more to the Jade Mother than I imagined before.
I am learning that my Sinnish name, 'lakem, describes me and my purpose all too well. It seems to describe me better than I know myself. I am the words. I am more of the Twins than I am the Jade Mother or the Ember Man. I am an interpretor.
I've hit kinda a low period lately. All the usual stuff. The new job has actually aggravated it a bit.
You see, as low as I was feeling, often when I went to work, I could fall back on routine. I'd done the things I did at Stream so many times that I could run on autopilot until I got my mind together. Or some days, I just ran on autopilot all of the way through.
Being in a new situation where I need to learn a lot and I am getting little support for it has taken that away. So I'm stressed out a bit more and wearing out more quickly. This company is going to be good for me in the long run, but the transition is going to be difficult. I suspect the change in general will do me good as well.
The hammer is finally going to fall.
I've been fearing this since I was 5 years old. You see, I've always been fat. In fact, I simply can't remember a time in my life where I haven't been fat. (20 years ago, I was an outcast - now I'm just a number in the epidemic. Go figure.) My sister has been telling me as long as I could remember that it was going to hurt me. So much that I really just accepted it as my lot. I'd assumed for years that I wasn't going to make it past 20 (as my sister told me).
I did try, and there were even times I thought it would work. Of course, I was like 9. I'd been on so many diets in my life. Fad diets, doctor proscribed diets, etc. They might work for a little bit, but never very much. The only time I really lost weight was my late teens, during the big pubescent growth spurt (I was a late bloomer) and I wasn't even on a diet then.
So being fat is part of who I am. And I learned to hate the term 'healthy'. It meant 'suffering'. It meant 'no reason to live'.
But I've always been waiting for the point where I go to a doctor and am not just told that I am fat, but I am sick because of it. I think that's going to be this month.
I got bloodwork done a few months ago - I haven't had a real check up in years. I've been really tired for years. And Ive been fighting off major depression, for a variety of reasons. A few months ago, I noticed that when I ate had huge and abrupt effects on my moods. And I've been hungier for the last year or so than I have been since I was a teen. So time to see the doctor.
I haven't actually seen the doctor yet - she cancelled the first time, I did the second time and then new job with new insurance, etc etc etc. I got a report in the mail though. Blood sugar was one point above the normal range. Colesterol was fairly low, but most of it was 'bad' colesterol. My triglycerides were really high though.
I read up on it. I need to 'exercise and eat healthy and lose weight' to deal with it. And I guess I'm going to have to.
But it depresses me to no end. It feels like going back finally to 'life is spposed to be unpleasant'. yeah, I know that I'll probably feel better and I'll have more energy and my libido will come back and all of that. But... I don't know. It just seems... depressing.
Maybe I'm finally feeling my age. 30 isn't that old at all. But I can feel myself running down more.
I got glasses last week. They are just reading glasses. My distance vision is good, better than average (20/15). But I have a slight stigmatism in my right eye. And my eyes are tired from looking at a computer screen all day.
I'm trying to get used to them, using them at work while I'm on the computer. Maybe that's making me feel older. That and the fact my knees hurt most of the time now.
I'm not that old, really. I just feel like it. And maybe that's the problem. In college, I felt too young - even when I was the oldest person around and had been around the longest, I always felt like I was too inexperienced, too naive, too irresponsible. Now, I feel too tired.
As much as I am dreading the doctor, I'm hoping we can find something that will help me. I want my life back. I want my energy back.
Have you heard of the city? The deep city, the ancient Uru?
Those are Yeesha's words. She says them in her first speech in the game Uru. Everytime I hear them, my heart bottoms out. Yes, it's just a game. But playing Myst and it has always been like living a myth, like walking through legend itself.
Yes, I know of the deep city. I know D'ni. It holds more meaning for me than Washington DC, or Jerusalem.
It's amazing how much pain can teach us about pleasure. It seems that I have to be going through some sort of emotional trauma before I figure out certain things. Not a particularly unique process, but still an unpleasant one.
I guess it's just the metaphysical equivilent of the 'blow to the head makes my mood better' thing.
I am still learning Rapture. I am learning that it is wider than I ever thought. There is more to the Jade Mother than I imagined before.
I am learning that my Sinnish name, 'lakem, describes me and my purpose all too well. It seems to describe me better than I know myself. I am the words. I am more of the Twins than I am the Jade Mother or the Ember Man. I am an interpretor.
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-05 08:44 am (UTC)Sugar substitute
Date: 2004-05-11 02:50 am (UTC)Diet Hansen's Soda use sucralose (brand name: Splenda) which tastes nearly identical to sugar except for the aftertaste. It is far better than aspartame or the other 80's sugar replacement.
There's other kinds of modern sugar replacements, Cascadia uses another kind I believe.
I'll admit there seem to be pending long term studies for sucralose.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-05 08:52 am (UTC)Sorry to hear about the low period, been there, done that. They suck. I'll cross my fingers that it turns soon.
As to the hammer falling, I get what you're saying; hell, I lived it. Just cross out the "losing weight during late teens" since I didn't. It's hard and it sucks and it's tough sometimes, but it is what it is. But healthy doesn't mean "suffering" and overweight doesn't mean "unhealthy." Even with that report in the mail.
Yes, it might mean you have to change some things. You might need exercise and eat healthy. And if you do that you will probably lose some weight. But don't think that doing it is all bad. I feel better when I exercise (which I should remember because I need to start doing it again.) And eating healthy isn't as bad as it sounds.
I really honestly recommend the new Weight Watchers program if you haven't tried it (or tried it lately.) It's very much about eating what you want, not eating some fad or some proscribed way. It's sensible and it's healthy (in the good, non-scary, non-suffering way) and it really does work. I don't do the group things, they do nothing for me except make me feel like I'm at a church revival and I don't go to those as it is. But I do like the program.
Now, on to hopefully more pleasant issues to discuss. I'd like to hear more about your path. I've never heard of the Jade Mother before or of a Sinnish path. And I'm endlessly curious about religions which is what that sounds like. Would you be willing to share more?
no subject
Date: 2004-05-05 03:07 pm (UTC)Anyway, see if someone wants to play with you. It's more fun that way.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-08 08:59 am (UTC)Sinnish is a language I'm developing that I've tied into my path as a sort of magickal langauge. There is a LJ community for it at
no subject
Date: 2004-05-05 02:07 pm (UTC)If you'd like to read my babble about making exercise tolerable in a busy, depressed life, let me know. You're in my thoughts and prayers :)
no subject
Date: 2004-05-05 02:21 pm (UTC)I second the recommendation for the new WW. I lost 50 pounds on it. I've still got 50 to go, but still.
*hug* Always remember that you are loved, sexy man.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-05 07:45 pm (UTC)they'll probably just give you pills... which, isn't entirely 'healthy', but it'll keep you from having a heart attack, which is always nice.
i have the same job problem too... i'm so wiped out when i get home and it pisses me off because it doesn't really feel like i'm doing much- but all the new material and new socializing is tuckering. i'm assuming i'll get used to it after a while.
try to keep yer chin up, buckaroo.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-06 04:48 am (UTC)