Tales of Woe
Jul. 24th, 2002 06:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediThis is just more rambling.
I'm so fucking tired.
For those of you who don't know (read: hose who don't read Eleri's journal as well), my last few weeks have sucked.
Two people I know have died in the last week. I wasn't incredibly close to either, but I was close enough. One succumbed to ennui (with an implciation that he summoned something he couldn't banish as well). One succumbed to a brain tumor.
I also totalled my car. I hurt. My car is toast - repairs cost more than twice the Kelly Blue Book for the car. And I still owe almost as much in payments on the car (it was the first car I bought). This only a few weeks after I paid over a grand to get it fixed. I don't know if the insurance company will pay off my car. If not, thats a monthly bill I'll have for a while. And we cant afford any more bills.
And I have a cold. I got it right after my accident. Who ever heard of getting a cold from a rear end?
Work is stressful. One senior is gone a good portion of the time, so we are awlays understaffed. And Im gone a lot due to Mousie's doctor's appointments. So we are always behind. And our expectations and priorities shift daily. I don't know what my job is exactly anymore. Just that Im not getting it done.
And I'm on a verbal warning for attendence, because I've been late 7 times and sick twice in the last 4 months. So I can't really take time off. Not that I have the sick leave to pay for it anyway.
I've been trying to be strong about the kids. I dont let on how much it affects me.
I'm just at a breaking point. I feel like I'm going to crack.
Eleri and Ryan went out last night. When I went to bed, I started to lose it - I kept imagining that they'd gotten in a car wreck somewhere and were dead and that there was some sort of malevalont force behind it. I have since realized that all my fears and anxieties from the last weeks (death, driving, nasty entities, etc) were all converging in my head at once as I was falling asleep.
I am trying to to become afraid of driving again. Everytime some on in front of me slows down, I start to panic and break. It doesn't help that Im driving Ryan's truck (he's gracious enough to help me by carpooling). No offense to you, Ryan - I just don't handle your truck well.
It took me years to learn to drive, partially due to lack of need for most of college and a fear of driving. So many variables to keep track of and no control over most of them. Large metal contraptions hurdling down the road at reckless speeds.
On a certain level, I feel silly. I was not the closest to Rich. And I hadnt talked to CJ in a year. There are many others who feel the loss more than I. Yet it affects me profoundly.
In The Crow, the main villian says "Childhood's over the moment you know you're gonna die." I don't agree. I have known I'm gonna die since very early. In fact, I had always kinda expected that I wouldn't live past 20.
But really, childhood is over when you realize that you'll have to see the people around you die and there isn't anything that you can do about it.
Wow, I'm meloncholy today.
It always seems odd to me that meloncholia was considered a disease at one point - the effects of too much bile in the body. I'm so used to seeing these things as just states of mind. I guess I buy into the mind-body separation more than I'd like. My body feels wrong, so there is a part of me taht wants to be distant from my body.
I'm so fucking tired.
For those of you who don't know (read: hose who don't read Eleri's journal as well), my last few weeks have sucked.
Two people I know have died in the last week. I wasn't incredibly close to either, but I was close enough. One succumbed to ennui (with an implciation that he summoned something he couldn't banish as well). One succumbed to a brain tumor.
I also totalled my car. I hurt. My car is toast - repairs cost more than twice the Kelly Blue Book for the car. And I still owe almost as much in payments on the car (it was the first car I bought). This only a few weeks after I paid over a grand to get it fixed. I don't know if the insurance company will pay off my car. If not, thats a monthly bill I'll have for a while. And we cant afford any more bills.
And I have a cold. I got it right after my accident. Who ever heard of getting a cold from a rear end?
Work is stressful. One senior is gone a good portion of the time, so we are awlays understaffed. And Im gone a lot due to Mousie's doctor's appointments. So we are always behind. And our expectations and priorities shift daily. I don't know what my job is exactly anymore. Just that Im not getting it done.
And I'm on a verbal warning for attendence, because I've been late 7 times and sick twice in the last 4 months. So I can't really take time off. Not that I have the sick leave to pay for it anyway.
I've been trying to be strong about the kids. I dont let on how much it affects me.
I'm just at a breaking point. I feel like I'm going to crack.
Eleri and Ryan went out last night. When I went to bed, I started to lose it - I kept imagining that they'd gotten in a car wreck somewhere and were dead and that there was some sort of malevalont force behind it. I have since realized that all my fears and anxieties from the last weeks (death, driving, nasty entities, etc) were all converging in my head at once as I was falling asleep.
I am trying to to become afraid of driving again. Everytime some on in front of me slows down, I start to panic and break. It doesn't help that Im driving Ryan's truck (he's gracious enough to help me by carpooling). No offense to you, Ryan - I just don't handle your truck well.
It took me years to learn to drive, partially due to lack of need for most of college and a fear of driving. So many variables to keep track of and no control over most of them. Large metal contraptions hurdling down the road at reckless speeds.
On a certain level, I feel silly. I was not the closest to Rich. And I hadnt talked to CJ in a year. There are many others who feel the loss more than I. Yet it affects me profoundly.
In The Crow, the main villian says "Childhood's over the moment you know you're gonna die." I don't agree. I have known I'm gonna die since very early. In fact, I had always kinda expected that I wouldn't live past 20.
But really, childhood is over when you realize that you'll have to see the people around you die and there isn't anything that you can do about it.
Wow, I'm meloncholy today.
It always seems odd to me that meloncholia was considered a disease at one point - the effects of too much bile in the body. I'm so used to seeing these things as just states of mind. I guess I buy into the mind-body separation more than I'd like. My body feels wrong, so there is a part of me taht wants to be distant from my body.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 11:27 am (UTC)death is sad, especially when someone ends his own life.
you're right to grieve.
you'll get through this. *hug*
and as far as driving, like i've always said...it's a really natural fear. it's not our natural mode of transportaion. if you put a fish in a airplane he's go "wait a sec, something isn't right"
no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 01:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 11:45 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-07-25 12:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 08:19 pm (UTC)Be well. Drink deep. *HUG*
no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 09:04 pm (UTC)Well, if nothing else, I'm studying to be a shaman, so I have a holy responsibility to be spiritually and emotionally available for the people around me. A shaman's whole purpose is to help his/her community to be happier and more fully alive. If I can be of service, please don't hesitate to ask.
I think you're a very cool person. My "prayers" are with you.
-Rhia
no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
I love you, hon. If you need me, you know where I am. (About 3000 miles too far to do much good, but still, if there's anything, let me know.)
Gesi
no subject
Date: 2002-07-24 11:50 pm (UTC)Though letting me know you care does help :)
no subject
Well, it depends if he/she had a cold before. hehe just kidding.
Well, you know me, things will work out. Get use to it. As for my truck, hehe, well it is a box. and is a huge difference in driving styles. Plus it has part of me in it, so it is not completely use to you. I am there for you as always though. Things get dark yes, but no as said in the crow, "it can't rain all the time." Right now, we all need to pull out our jackets and for those without them, huddle together and share the warmth of eachother and the shelter of the one coat we will use. My Love is always with you Blade, and is with your family. We will get through this, even if we have to huddle under one jacket for us all. Faith is much like air, when you need it, even a little is worth more than nothing. And when you give your last breath, it moves to the next breath you take in the next life as you open your eyes again, drawing in the new faces around you, you are reborn. Hold on to your faith, strengthen it with thoughts of your happiest moments. It will be tested, but can never be completely removed.
*kisses and hugs*
Ryan
QUACK
Date: 2002-07-25 07:03 am (UTC)Life will get better, just wait and see.
(well thats as far as my poetic self got today)
Reconise and acknowledge ur feelings. Focus on taking care of you. I'd help more if I could love, although I feel like I'm barely maintaining on taking care of myself lately.
I've never been afraid of jumping in a car 'n going 70 miles per hour or more. Probably the reason why I've been in so many accidents. Probably would have done me some good if I was as aware of high speed metal boxes as you are, like back when I was 16.
Don't be afraid to ask of me. Don't be afraid to reach out. I'm here for you.
There is an end to the pain.