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[vaxjedi]

I'm feeling very down today.

I don't know why, exactly, but yesterday and today I am just so incredibly tired. I think I've just hit a low, but I hope it goes away soon.

I'm sitting at work and it's been very slow. I'm listening to the other techs talk about calls they have made and such. They are talking about cabling issues and CAT-3 cables and loopbacks and NT accounts and all sorts of technical stuff. And honestly, I really don't know what they are talking about.

This is a problem I had in college too. While I do have a certain talent with computers, and I really like programming, I just don't have a jones for computers. Computer people seem to sort of live and breathe computers. They just have it seeping out of their pores - they read industry news and slashdot and keep up on processor chipsets and all of that.

A few weeks ago, I got a message from a former co-worker. They wanted me to run a Framemaker-themed tech blog. A daily post with industry news, tips, tricks, etc. And I declined, because, once again, while I was very good with Framemaker, I just didn't keep up on the industry and had very little interest in doing so. The other people at work were always reading trade magazines and searching on design websites. And I just don't. I learn what I need to know to do my job.

When I was in High School, I read Thoreau's Walden. I was very enamoured with his description of being a 'day-worker'. You do your work then you go home and forget work until you have to work again. Having grown up with a father and then a step-father who owned their own businesses and never seemed to do anything but work may have affected that.

I guess it is that I am just such a passive person. I'm happy to sit here and doodle Sinnish glyphs on a note pad. Even in the areas I am interested in, I tend to just graze on ideas. I love gaming, but haven't really gamed in years. And I don't really read a lot about gaming, or new games. I do conlangs, but I don't keep up much on Elvish, or D'ni. I love the kink community, but I'm not really a part of it. I don't really pay attention to Uru anymore.

I guess I'm just feeling disconnected. Which happens a lot. I guess I just don't put myself into things except for some of my isolated one-person projects.

I dunno. I'm just venting, I think. Just bitching to work out some of the down feelings.

I don't feel the need to have an exciting life. Or a famous life or anything like that. But I do want it to be a good life. A life with merit. A life that is, in a way, a work of art. And when I am low, it feels like I'm not a very good artist.

*shrug* And I never learned how to READ!

Strike that last line.

Comments

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

I learn what I need to know to do my job.

You're not alone in this...

[ryoganox.livejournal.com]

The good news is though, that your mom can get that eye operation after this 2 cents.

[white-mamba.livejournal.com]

i can't say i've ever met some one who was so excited and interested in their job that they learned more than was necesseary.

i'm suprised to learn tht these people exist

[toilteanas.livejournal.com]

i've never had a jones for computers either, yet i'm pretty good on them and work with them exclusively.

i don't think there's a single thing wrong with 'sucking the marrow out of life'... i try to do the same thing and it's difficult in this fast-paced, materialistic world. it's especially hard when you have a family and you know that it's not just you who will pay the price if you don't pay your taxes and end up in jail (like Walden).

maybe this will be a consolation to you- it is to me: you feel disconnected simply because you are. you are disconnected from the people around you who aren't day-workers, who aren't sucking the marrow out of life. very few people intentionally life their life that way, and it takes effort in this society... and it takes alienation. basically- if you weren't doing what you think is right... if you weren't living your life to it's fullest, then you wouldn't feel so disconnected.

does that make sense?
it's a shitty feeling... but it's an indication that you're living your life the way you want to; the way you think is right for you.
it's a good sign.
=)

[netmouse.livejournal.com]

I had a different reaction to this than the other people who've commented - that is, that you sound a lot like me (after all, we must have had *something* in common to hit it off so well ;) )

from time to time, I regret that I am an nigh-expert computer user but not a deep computer geek. Bill regrets it all the time when I need his help to do IT or choose hardware because I am not a hardware person. And I'm not just not a deep computer geek, I rarely go very in depth on any knowledge. For a while I knew all of html and that was cool but it happened because when I started learning it there was almost nothing to know, and then I actually kept up. Now I keep feeling like I should be able to recapture that sense of discovery and fun and study other new technologies, but well, I don't know. [I glance at slashdot from time to time and meta moderate, but I don't read it regularly and do not really monitor my industry, or even the news in general, half so well as, say, Bill.]

I mean, the thing is, I'm not a deep anything geek. I get to where I know I can learn additional details if I have to, and then I move on. I'm not a deep literature geek. I'm not even a deep SF lit geek. I mean, I've taught it and stuff, but I haven't read a lot of authors a serious sf geek would have read. like tolkien. I hit authors and read them into the ground, like I'm currently doing with Gaiman. Like I once did with Heinlein. And I enjoy it that way. And then I move on - so when I hit Adams, I read everything he wrote, but I haven't kept up on further books. Even Brust, a favorite of mine, has books I haven't read. That's just the way I am somehow.

Everybody's Art isn't the same tempo. Everybody's drum isn't the same color. Something like that. :)

You shine, love, don't worry. (it doesn't sound like you're really *that* worried, and that's good)