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Aug. 4th, 2002 11:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediWell, I havent been posting much. They have blocked LJ from work finally, so I can't get to it - even from the webmail boxes in the lounge.
We dropped off Corri at camp today. It was a nice girls camp, all pagan-y and such. It was in someones land/backyard in Eugene. Nice lush forest, with trails they called the "Deer caves", because the trees bent over and made these sort of cave-like areas and deer were often seen there. In the trail, there were randon little alters - a board, cloth and candle here, an arrangement of shiny rocks there. here was a permenant circle set up as well, with gorgeous mosaics at each quarter.
The place was very cool. Sorta place I'd like to spend a week. But I was uncomfortable there. It was a very feminine place... a place of and for women. I could feel a subtle hostility... "You are not one of us... you don't belong here". Not from the people... from the place itself.
Makes sense really. But, in the men's spaces I've been in, I've gotten that same feeling... a sort of "you are supposed to be one of us, but you aren't...you don't belong here."
I feel unstuck in so many ways... neither really male or female... not sure how to partake of either power.
I feel the same in terms of communities. I am not really a nature pagan. But there are things about nature I do like. Forests. Fire. Stone (I love perching on big stones). But I like cities too. I like roads, and big buildings and sidewalk coffee shops and small city parks and public transit. All spiritual things to me.
Hard to find a place. It's hard to find people who understand.
Okay, Neverwinter Nights is not gay friendly. There is a brothel, with women and men. But if you are playing a guy, you can't hit on the guy there. He tells you he's only interested in women.
I say we protest ;)
Both Eleri and I walked away from the camp a bit unnerved. Neither of us have done much with our spirituality for the last few years. I know it drains Eleri. And it does drain me.
Doing anything spiritual/magickal seems like an exercise in futility to me in a lot of ways. Compared to all of tehe other people in my household, I am really a mundane - no real mystical senses with a constant cloud of depression. I mean, I have some good ideas and I think I understand importsant concepts. But I can't sense/see anything. Without that feeback...I don't know if I am experiencing anything, or just thinking wishfully.
It's gotten to the point that I am afraid of actually finding a way to be a part of the magickal world. I'm afraid I'll be torn apart. Or worse, find out I am a complete and utter loser.
I'm so tired.
This is a key phrase for me. When I start reflexively saying "I'm so tired", what my subconscious is saying is "You are really depressed."
I remember the phrase "I'm Okay, you're Okay." I usually don't have a problen with the "you're okay" part - I generally think people are really cool. That belief is being shaken a lot lately.
However, I've never been able to handle the "I'm okay" part. Things that I'd forgive/ignore/tolerate in others, I cannot in myself. Because it is my responsibility. I can accept and deal with weakness in others. But not in myself, because it is on my head - my weakness is my fault, and thus it is my responsibility to deal with it - every iota of it. And every part I can't deal with or at least put somewhere safe becomes a problem that others have to deal with. I cause enough problems for others as it is.
I'm gonna be in Seattle for the next few days for a business seminar, learning the wiles of color management. w00t!
At least it'll be slack.
We dropped off Corri at camp today. It was a nice girls camp, all pagan-y and such. It was in someones land/backyard in Eugene. Nice lush forest, with trails they called the "Deer caves", because the trees bent over and made these sort of cave-like areas and deer were often seen there. In the trail, there were randon little alters - a board, cloth and candle here, an arrangement of shiny rocks there. here was a permenant circle set up as well, with gorgeous mosaics at each quarter.
The place was very cool. Sorta place I'd like to spend a week. But I was uncomfortable there. It was a very feminine place... a place of and for women. I could feel a subtle hostility... "You are not one of us... you don't belong here". Not from the people... from the place itself.
Makes sense really. But, in the men's spaces I've been in, I've gotten that same feeling... a sort of "you are supposed to be one of us, but you aren't...you don't belong here."
I feel unstuck in so many ways... neither really male or female... not sure how to partake of either power.
I feel the same in terms of communities. I am not really a nature pagan. But there are things about nature I do like. Forests. Fire. Stone (I love perching on big stones). But I like cities too. I like roads, and big buildings and sidewalk coffee shops and small city parks and public transit. All spiritual things to me.
Hard to find a place. It's hard to find people who understand.
Okay, Neverwinter Nights is not gay friendly. There is a brothel, with women and men. But if you are playing a guy, you can't hit on the guy there. He tells you he's only interested in women.
I say we protest ;)
Both Eleri and I walked away from the camp a bit unnerved. Neither of us have done much with our spirituality for the last few years. I know it drains Eleri. And it does drain me.
Doing anything spiritual/magickal seems like an exercise in futility to me in a lot of ways. Compared to all of tehe other people in my household, I am really a mundane - no real mystical senses with a constant cloud of depression. I mean, I have some good ideas and I think I understand importsant concepts. But I can't sense/see anything. Without that feeback...I don't know if I am experiencing anything, or just thinking wishfully.
It's gotten to the point that I am afraid of actually finding a way to be a part of the magickal world. I'm afraid I'll be torn apart. Or worse, find out I am a complete and utter loser.
I'm so tired.
This is a key phrase for me. When I start reflexively saying "I'm so tired", what my subconscious is saying is "You are really depressed."
I remember the phrase "I'm Okay, you're Okay." I usually don't have a problen with the "you're okay" part - I generally think people are really cool. That belief is being shaken a lot lately.
However, I've never been able to handle the "I'm okay" part. Things that I'd forgive/ignore/tolerate in others, I cannot in myself. Because it is my responsibility. I can accept and deal with weakness in others. But not in myself, because it is on my head - my weakness is my fault, and thus it is my responsibility to deal with it - every iota of it. And every part I can't deal with or at least put somewhere safe becomes a problem that others have to deal with. I cause enough problems for others as it is.
I'm gonna be in Seattle for the next few days for a business seminar, learning the wiles of color management. w00t!
At least it'll be slack.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 01:30 am (UTC)Just because I do a lot of magickal work does not mean I necessarly have an overabundance of spirtuality...I acutally feel rather neglectfull of late in my priestly duties, especially for myself...
I would suggest getting into a regular habit of doing spiritual observances for small things to get your energies back into alignment...sometimes its the little things that help more than the major...I do admit to missing regular and powerfull ritual settings. Wonder what could be done as a household to change that? if anything?
you fear becoming magickal, I fear the mundane...I have never known anything but this...what do I have to offer the world but my magickal nature? I have few other real gifts besides that....as I have given a lot up for magick....you have other tallents at least and things to offer the world, dont' forget that....you have a brilliant mind and a kind heart...both commoditys well needed.
Your not a looser period.
and your ok in my book.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 11:14 am (UTC)Well, I found a very family-oriented group in Portland that does stuff regularly. Fall Equinox is coming up, too. I know Rogues Keep was planning something at thier place, or maybe we can do something here.
I know I feel strongly about connection with the community, especially now that we have the space to host smaller rituals.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 08:33 am (UTC)Don't let The Man hold you down with regard to Livejournal. I can't get to it from work either... yet I'm posting this from work. The wonders of anonymous proxies. Try http://www.safeproxy.org ... It's nearly as fast as a direct connection.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 08:49 pm (UTC)A thought on the rest of your missive. Remember I dont know you that well so YMMV yadda yadda yadda.. But perhaps you dont feel totally at ease with yourself Either the maleness of your or femaleness of you. Because you havent embraced that, you have a hard time coming to palces that are filled with x or y energy? While I dont claim to know everything, I have found a lot of folks identify as one or the other, and because they dont embrace their full nature, they have a problem with using that sort of energy. I hope that sort of makes sense as am not taht great at expressing myself