*SCREAM*

[vaxjedi]

I am fucking tired of being the bad guy because I try to continue. I am fucking tired of being a disappointment and 'insensitive' because I have responsibilities and I am trying my damnedest to meet them. I am fucking tired of being emotionally beat up because I have to continue no matter what happens.

---

I am being tested constantly in a million different little ways. Little things every day that say "If you were really a good senior, you'd know the answer to my question." "If you were really a good employee, you would have responded to my email differently." "If you were really a good friend, you wouldn't be mad at me." "If you were really a good housemate, you would have cleaned that up." "If you really loved me, you wouldn't have done that."

Little tests every day that I am constantly failing. I can see it in people's eyes. I can tell by the phrasing in the messages they send me.

---

I used to think that if people took the time to understand each other, they'd be able to get along in some fashion. I know that now to be patently untrue. No one can ever remotely understand another person. It seems that getting long with people requires hiding yourself - your differences, your feelings, your opinions. No one is willing to give a little to compromise, because everyone feels that they are giving too much. And most people don't even want to work things out.

I used to like people. I used to think people in general were Good. I don't like people anymore. They are dangers. Maybe they still are good. But life makes it impossible to be good.

Comments

[lovjad.livejournal.com]

*offers whatever i can*
hugs, you know where i'm at hon.

Judgement

[bhagwan.livejournal.com]

We constantly judge ourselves and each other. We are always asking these questions that rely upon a dangerous construct called "should."

How Should I be? What should I do? What should she do?

I know that its some small consolation, and advice always sounds stupid when the world is looking bleak.

Just remember, that we don't have to ask these questions all the time. Its a decision we make. Yes, it happens automatically, but we can learn to recognize it, to laugh at it, and to take away its power to fuck our minds.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

After lots of typing and even more back spacing *support hugs* is about the best I can come up with. People care about you. Sometimes words get in the way. Sometimes hugs are better than words when there is turmoil with those you love. I hope things get better soon.