Some thoughts on a dark day
Jan. 5th, 2005 01:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediThe darkness is more of an attitude thing than a weather thing...
I've been in a very down mood today. And last night. Once again, I have the feeling that nothing I do makes much difference and none of my hobbies seem very interesting.
I seem to hit this point in cycles. At least, people I have been involved with have pointed it out before. Maybe it's just one of those things with me.
By the way, more proof that Adobe is cool: For Elvis' birthday, the cafeteria is serving grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Now, if I only wasn't allergic to bananas.
A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of something. You are good at what you practice doing. And that just doesn't mean skills, it means attitudes as well. I've stopped talking about my sexuality quite a bit. And I've lost the practice and knack of being sexual. It just feels awkward in many ways now - I am not sure what I want, what I like, etc. I think that I need to express it a lot more, exercise the attitude.
I think part of my issue is a feeling of guilt. Not about sexuality, but about talking about it. I think it makes me sound like a one trick pony (if you'll forgive the pun).
Also, I am afraid I am somehow making promises that I can't keep by talking about it. I like talking about sex, playing withthe ideas, playing with the concepts, flirting, etc. Somehow, I've gotten it into my head that if I am going to talk about it, I have to be ready to put out. Like if I open the door, I better be ready to walk all of the way into the room. And the fact is I am just not anymore. Maybe some of it is the growing older thing, but I just don't have the constant hunger like I used to. Maybe it is the stress of parenting a special needs child - stress seems to kill my libido like crazy. And maybe it is just the fear and self-fulfilling prophecy that as I get older, more stressed, more quiet, that I will just be lest interesting and attractive.
Maybe this seems overblown. But a friend of mine in college once asked me "If you base your spirituality off of sexuality, what does it mean when you are not horny?" And I said "A crisis of faith." The reasonable response to this is that there is much morethan sexuality to my spirituality. And I agree. But nothing else seems to give me the spark of grace that sex does. Not churches, not rituals, not nature, not stories, not even languages. In some ways, I keep coming back to it because it's the only place I've actually experienced God.
Maybe I just need to work the kinks out a bit (once again, pun unintended). Express more. Even the little bits which seem sort of fatuous and gratutious to me. Somehow, I've gotten it into my head that my sexuality should be 'classy', so I dont express a lot of things that feels like it falls outside of that.
Circles, circles, running in circles....
I do have a submissive streak in me. In fact, most of the time I get mistaken for the sub in relationships because I am inherently passive and accomidating in day-to-day life. But actually subbing never did much for me. It seemed to enhance my neuroses more than excite me. Being under pressure and under obligation actually stresses me out quite a bit. Even the implication of it will kill my libido. And being a submissive is all about obligation to another. In fact, when I tend to falter as a Dom is in the same place - where the obligation and pressure spikes. The responsibility for the sub is something I take very seriously. And thus, it weighs heavily on me. Is the sub enjoying what I am doing? Am I taking care of them properly? Etc.
Hmm.. now that i think about it, it's an issue for me in all areas - I always consider what obligations or duties I have to others to be above my needs or wants. And I usually focus on getting those done before I do anything for myself. In fact, I think that most of my sex life for over a decade has been built around that fact - what can I do for others? How do I get them off? Luckily, I like getting people off. But I don't think I've ever truly developed my own tastes.
Maybe I'll take my friend's example and just expressing those things more. Maybe I'll use that never used friends filter of mine for posting little comments and sensflits like that. Yeah... let me know if you want to be on the filter.
I've lost the gaming bug in a lot of ways. I was thinking of joining the Camarilla up here to LARP in the new World of Darkness. But after a while, I've lost interest. And there aren't a lot of roleplaying games that really call out to me to be played. Well, I get a few murmurs from some of them (Exalted, for instance). The last roleplaying game I was in was a game of Weird Wars a few years ago. It was fun, but I conflicted with the other players way too much.
A lot of board games don't quite attract me like they did, either. The strategies seem like too much effort in a lot of ways. I dunno.
I wonder if it is just the ennui in me right now that is talking.
I seem to have gotten myself into some ruts and some circles. I want to build things (languages, stories, backgrounds), but it seems like such a fruitless effort. I want to absorb information, but it seems like nothing out there to learn is very interesting.
Yes, I have backed myself into a bit of a depressed corner. And I think i do this on a regular basis. A few comments I remember friends making from college and in North Carolina seem to indicate that. It's one of those situations where I feel like I want suggestions, but at the same time I feel like I want to jump on each suggestion, tear it apart and prove that it really is pointless.
It's that active, self-perpetuating depression that seems very common. It's perplexing, really. I've never understood the utility, evenin a messed up neurotic sense. I wonder if it is a sort of memetic infection, something like Reich's 'emotional plague' - a thought form that has a survival mechanism. There's an odd thought. Maybe we aren't the generators of consciousness, but rather collectors of consciousness, a medium/vessel for thought forms to propigate. In some way, we aren't the operating species, but rather the consumable resource for the memes.
But I digress...
I have Yet Another Meeting(tm) to go to.... more later, maybe.
I've been in a very down mood today. And last night. Once again, I have the feeling that nothing I do makes much difference and none of my hobbies seem very interesting.
I seem to hit this point in cycles. At least, people I have been involved with have pointed it out before. Maybe it's just one of those things with me.
By the way, more proof that Adobe is cool: For Elvis' birthday, the cafeteria is serving grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Now, if I only wasn't allergic to bananas.
A recent conversation with a friend reminded me of something. You are good at what you practice doing. And that just doesn't mean skills, it means attitudes as well. I've stopped talking about my sexuality quite a bit. And I've lost the practice and knack of being sexual. It just feels awkward in many ways now - I am not sure what I want, what I like, etc. I think that I need to express it a lot more, exercise the attitude.
I think part of my issue is a feeling of guilt. Not about sexuality, but about talking about it. I think it makes me sound like a one trick pony (if you'll forgive the pun).
Also, I am afraid I am somehow making promises that I can't keep by talking about it. I like talking about sex, playing withthe ideas, playing with the concepts, flirting, etc. Somehow, I've gotten it into my head that if I am going to talk about it, I have to be ready to put out. Like if I open the door, I better be ready to walk all of the way into the room. And the fact is I am just not anymore. Maybe some of it is the growing older thing, but I just don't have the constant hunger like I used to. Maybe it is the stress of parenting a special needs child - stress seems to kill my libido like crazy. And maybe it is just the fear and self-fulfilling prophecy that as I get older, more stressed, more quiet, that I will just be lest interesting and attractive.
Maybe this seems overblown. But a friend of mine in college once asked me "If you base your spirituality off of sexuality, what does it mean when you are not horny?" And I said "A crisis of faith." The reasonable response to this is that there is much morethan sexuality to my spirituality. And I agree. But nothing else seems to give me the spark of grace that sex does. Not churches, not rituals, not nature, not stories, not even languages. In some ways, I keep coming back to it because it's the only place I've actually experienced God.
Maybe I just need to work the kinks out a bit (once again, pun unintended). Express more. Even the little bits which seem sort of fatuous and gratutious to me. Somehow, I've gotten it into my head that my sexuality should be 'classy', so I dont express a lot of things that feels like it falls outside of that.
Circles, circles, running in circles....
I do have a submissive streak in me. In fact, most of the time I get mistaken for the sub in relationships because I am inherently passive and accomidating in day-to-day life. But actually subbing never did much for me. It seemed to enhance my neuroses more than excite me. Being under pressure and under obligation actually stresses me out quite a bit. Even the implication of it will kill my libido. And being a submissive is all about obligation to another. In fact, when I tend to falter as a Dom is in the same place - where the obligation and pressure spikes. The responsibility for the sub is something I take very seriously. And thus, it weighs heavily on me. Is the sub enjoying what I am doing? Am I taking care of them properly? Etc.
Hmm.. now that i think about it, it's an issue for me in all areas - I always consider what obligations or duties I have to others to be above my needs or wants. And I usually focus on getting those done before I do anything for myself. In fact, I think that most of my sex life for over a decade has been built around that fact - what can I do for others? How do I get them off? Luckily, I like getting people off. But I don't think I've ever truly developed my own tastes.
Maybe I'll take my friend's example and just expressing those things more. Maybe I'll use that never used friends filter of mine for posting little comments and sensflits like that. Yeah... let me know if you want to be on the filter.
I've lost the gaming bug in a lot of ways. I was thinking of joining the Camarilla up here to LARP in the new World of Darkness. But after a while, I've lost interest. And there aren't a lot of roleplaying games that really call out to me to be played. Well, I get a few murmurs from some of them (Exalted, for instance). The last roleplaying game I was in was a game of Weird Wars a few years ago. It was fun, but I conflicted with the other players way too much.
A lot of board games don't quite attract me like they did, either. The strategies seem like too much effort in a lot of ways. I dunno.
I wonder if it is just the ennui in me right now that is talking.
I seem to have gotten myself into some ruts and some circles. I want to build things (languages, stories, backgrounds), but it seems like such a fruitless effort. I want to absorb information, but it seems like nothing out there to learn is very interesting.
Yes, I have backed myself into a bit of a depressed corner. And I think i do this on a regular basis. A few comments I remember friends making from college and in North Carolina seem to indicate that. It's one of those situations where I feel like I want suggestions, but at the same time I feel like I want to jump on each suggestion, tear it apart and prove that it really is pointless.
It's that active, self-perpetuating depression that seems very common. It's perplexing, really. I've never understood the utility, evenin a messed up neurotic sense. I wonder if it is a sort of memetic infection, something like Reich's 'emotional plague' - a thought form that has a survival mechanism. There's an odd thought. Maybe we aren't the generators of consciousness, but rather collectors of consciousness, a medium/vessel for thought forms to propigate. In some way, we aren't the operating species, but rather the consumable resource for the memes.
But I digress...
I have Yet Another Meeting(tm) to go to.... more later, maybe.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-05 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-05 11:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 12:17 am (UTC)I have a lot of things I'm working on, part of it because I first developed sexually while on medication and in an environment that was very artifical.
I plan on figuring it all out, with you there.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 02:36 am (UTC)I think I get to the same sort of problem, though by a somewhat different route. I don't submit, I endure...
*cuddles*
Date: 2005-01-06 03:28 am (UTC)Talk about a crisis of faith.. *mutters*