Lost Thoughts
Aug. 22nd, 2002 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaxjediI had a long diatribe I was working on in terms of cybernetic models of reality and how they affect my spirituality. But I lost the thread of thought.
That seems to be happening more and more. As I got a more interesting and more mentally demanding job at work, I no longer have the time or energy to work on other projects at work. I used to read all sorts of web pages, type up all sorts of ideas. But work now is actually work - it takes up most of my processing power during the day. And I never get to sit down at home and work any of it out - there are always so many things demanding attention. Even resting has become a responsibility - I have to do certain things to take care of myself so that I can continue.
My Visor was supposed to be a tool to help alleviate this - when I have an idea, no matter where I go, I can write it down. However, the Graffiti interface is very awkward - I have to learn a whole new way of writing. Often, I have to put most of my thought into how to write the words instead of what the words mean. I think typing my words is the best method for getting my ideas out. But that requires focused time at a computer. I simply no longer have that luxury.
And after the break in my thought has occurred, it seems like such a trouble to get back on track. What I wrote doesn't seem as interesting as it did - it didn't make the sense it did before, the clarity of it all is gone.
The attempts to work out my spirituality seem useless, because they seem to have no impact on my life. All the speculation doesn't seem worth it, when I still have to get up for work tomorrow, deal with the petty tensions between my collegues, still have to find ways to appease my managers, still have to find ways to pay the bills, still have to tread the minefield that is my household. The hobbies I once enjoyed so much just don't do anything for me - they are just escapes. I don't want to escape. I just want to live it.
I am not sure how to extract what makes life worth it from the rest of the busywork and crosses to bear. I'm not even sure that you can, honestly. I'm just tired of being worn, and not having the option of having a problem with it without causing a huge problem for everyone in my life.
I think I am just depressed. This certain reminds me of the sort of thing I say a lot of when I am depressed. Like when I wrote that article abut not liking people anymore - a few minor events later and I had no propblem with people.
I guess it still confuses me that I am a slave to my biochemstry as much as everyone else. That if I don't sleep enough, it affects me. if I don't eat, it affects me, etc. What is really frustrating about it is that I can't tell that is what is happening. When I snap at Eleri because I am tired, or in pain, or haven't eaten or whatever, it seems perfectly valid at the time. In fact, there is an almost addictive quality to being angry. How very Dark side. I know when I am angry at Corri, I feel the urge to find other reasons to be angry with her. Like I need another fix of venting anger at her.
I so worry about Corri. I see myself being rude to her, being cold to her. And It all seems perfecly justified at the time. And I look back at it later and cringe. She's going to be so messed up because of me. I can look back and see things I did that are going to be emotional issues that I caused in her. And I hold back so much of my anger as it is. I don't think either of us would be able to bear if I let it all out.
But the fact that I can't go "I'm angry, and it's making me see things this way" really upsets me. Yeah, I guess it's very human. But I have to be able to step back in order to see what I am doing. It has always disturbed me. But now, other people are at stake as well. It's not just my ass on the line.
I think I am just depressed. Eleri often points out to me that I have all sorts of things in my life to counter my feelings of worthlessness. People seem to like me. My love life has definitely been more amazing than most people ever have. I have interesting ideas from time to time.
But the darkness is still there. Always waiting. And the light is flickering lately - I'm slipping, having trouble keeping it at bay. (It always helps to objectify my depression - makes it easier to deal with. That way, it's a separate entity, not an inherent personal flaw).
Maybe that is why react so badly to people who are having similar depression and self-esteem problems to me. It's like offering an alcoholic a drink. The first step down the road to ruin.
I have ben considering looking into meds again. I heard a commercial on the radio today for a testing program involving anti-depressants. They pay for psychiatric help as part of the program too. I am seriously considering it. None of the meds I've tried so far have really done the job. I'm tired of having a diseased will.
That seems to be happening more and more. As I got a more interesting and more mentally demanding job at work, I no longer have the time or energy to work on other projects at work. I used to read all sorts of web pages, type up all sorts of ideas. But work now is actually work - it takes up most of my processing power during the day. And I never get to sit down at home and work any of it out - there are always so many things demanding attention. Even resting has become a responsibility - I have to do certain things to take care of myself so that I can continue.
My Visor was supposed to be a tool to help alleviate this - when I have an idea, no matter where I go, I can write it down. However, the Graffiti interface is very awkward - I have to learn a whole new way of writing. Often, I have to put most of my thought into how to write the words instead of what the words mean. I think typing my words is the best method for getting my ideas out. But that requires focused time at a computer. I simply no longer have that luxury.
And after the break in my thought has occurred, it seems like such a trouble to get back on track. What I wrote doesn't seem as interesting as it did - it didn't make the sense it did before, the clarity of it all is gone.
The attempts to work out my spirituality seem useless, because they seem to have no impact on my life. All the speculation doesn't seem worth it, when I still have to get up for work tomorrow, deal with the petty tensions between my collegues, still have to find ways to appease my managers, still have to find ways to pay the bills, still have to tread the minefield that is my household. The hobbies I once enjoyed so much just don't do anything for me - they are just escapes. I don't want to escape. I just want to live it.
I am not sure how to extract what makes life worth it from the rest of the busywork and crosses to bear. I'm not even sure that you can, honestly. I'm just tired of being worn, and not having the option of having a problem with it without causing a huge problem for everyone in my life.
I think I am just depressed. This certain reminds me of the sort of thing I say a lot of when I am depressed. Like when I wrote that article abut not liking people anymore - a few minor events later and I had no propblem with people.
I guess it still confuses me that I am a slave to my biochemstry as much as everyone else. That if I don't sleep enough, it affects me. if I don't eat, it affects me, etc. What is really frustrating about it is that I can't tell that is what is happening. When I snap at Eleri because I am tired, or in pain, or haven't eaten or whatever, it seems perfectly valid at the time. In fact, there is an almost addictive quality to being angry. How very Dark side. I know when I am angry at Corri, I feel the urge to find other reasons to be angry with her. Like I need another fix of venting anger at her.
I so worry about Corri. I see myself being rude to her, being cold to her. And It all seems perfecly justified at the time. And I look back at it later and cringe. She's going to be so messed up because of me. I can look back and see things I did that are going to be emotional issues that I caused in her. And I hold back so much of my anger as it is. I don't think either of us would be able to bear if I let it all out.
But the fact that I can't go "I'm angry, and it's making me see things this way" really upsets me. Yeah, I guess it's very human. But I have to be able to step back in order to see what I am doing. It has always disturbed me. But now, other people are at stake as well. It's not just my ass on the line.
I think I am just depressed. Eleri often points out to me that I have all sorts of things in my life to counter my feelings of worthlessness. People seem to like me. My love life has definitely been more amazing than most people ever have. I have interesting ideas from time to time.
But the darkness is still there. Always waiting. And the light is flickering lately - I'm slipping, having trouble keeping it at bay. (It always helps to objectify my depression - makes it easier to deal with. That way, it's a separate entity, not an inherent personal flaw).
Maybe that is why react so badly to people who are having similar depression and self-esteem problems to me. It's like offering an alcoholic a drink. The first step down the road to ruin.
I have ben considering looking into meds again. I heard a commercial on the radio today for a testing program involving anti-depressants. They pay for psychiatric help as part of the program too. I am seriously considering it. None of the meds I've tried so far have really done the job. I'm tired of having a diseased will.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 06:10 am (UTC)Plus you can use the dishes to border a garden afterwards. (And there's always the aesthetic bonus of having rid the world of ugly dishes.)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 10:23 am (UTC)As for what good spirituality does you, I can only note that my friend Shawn has become much more calm since I taught him a relaxation ritual, and how to put up a psychic shield.
Hell, YOU could do to learn that. Did you ever develop that ability? So much of your problems seem to result from some sort of emotional leakage from outside.