Dark Times

[vaxjedi]

I've been having a hard week. The question about whether the combined stress from work and home will cause me to snap has changed from an 'if' to a 'when'. I can feel myself slipping. I can feel myself giving up. Dark thoughts pass through my brain, and I'm not yet about to voice them.

I can talk about their existance on here because LJ is more impersonal than actual conversation - I'm talking to an audience, not a person. But

I feel myself succumbing to that darkness, with thoughts like "As long as my daughter is alive, there will be no freedom, no respite, no hope." And I know that's probably the ugliest statement I've ever made in my life so far.

I can feel my anger animating my body, becoming, for the first time in my life, a primary motivator of my actions. Mousie is often very physical. I get hit by her every day, and at least once a week it's enough to ring my ears. It's definitely demoralizing to be repeatedly beat up by your own toddler. And I've found that when I really get hit hard (which hasn't happened much in my life, honestly), my reaction is anger and to strike back. I'm finding my fist clenched right after Mousie hits me lately. And I've begun to worry - when will the fist go from clenching to striking? When will it get the better of me and I do something truly reprehensible?

Eleri says that the fact I worry about it and consider it and try to prevent it means that I'm less likely to have it actually happen. I hope she's right. But I am my father's son - did I inherit the potential for his rage?

I didn't go into work today (well, yesterday by now). Mousie didn't sleep until very late last night and I was already a mess from the night before - we went out for dinner and Mousie had a meltdown.

Now I know that in the annuals of Mousie history it was a minor meltdown. And it wasn't random - she wanted to go play around the video games in the restaurant. But it hit me all wrong. She'd been so calm taht day. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could have a normal dinner. When she headbutted me was when I broke. There was a moment of pure anger that I'd never felt before. I got under control quickly. But I was shaken.

I cried so many times that night. I talked to an old gf of mine who I still love deeply. She lives far away and I've not seen her for years. And I was desperate to hear that she still loved me, that she still thought I was interesting, that I was still worthy of her love. But I kept myself under control. I couldn't stop apologizing to Eleri for everything, for evey moment of weakness, for every flicker of fatigue, pain or annoyance I saw or imagined in her face.

I was going to do dishes that night, but I couldn't bear to. It panicked me. And then Mousie didn't sleep. I couldn't bear work either.

I couldn't bear the feeling of being constantly behind. The feeling of my efficiency and usefulness slipping as I wore thinner and spent more time doing administrivia as opposed to working on technical issues. The stress of not knowing what was expected of me or what my job may or may not be tomorrow. The helplessness of simply having to accept that I have no say in my fate at work, but I must press on.

I told my manager that the stress is too much, something has to give. I told her I was considering asking for a demotion. However, it would be a drop in pay too, putting us to where we would not be able to pay our bills. Also, I'm not confident that my duties would change, I'd jsut have less authority to perform them. And it might ruin my ability to ever advance there (or get to my previous level) if things do get better.

Eleri suggested a leave of absence. Take a few weeks off work. Maybe that will get me away enough to collect myself and heal a bit. Also, Eleri's sister is pregnant and due to pop next month. Eleri needs to be with her sister to help her through the process, which means we need to find someone to watch Mousie. I could do that while away from work. That would give me a break from work, Eleri a break from Mousie and Eleri a chance to use her skills.

The downsides (assuming work goes for it) - I'd miss an entire paycheck. That's half of my monthly salary gone. I could ask for emergency deferrals for some of my bills - I did it once for my car payment. Plus we'll be getting our tax return at the end of Feb (we always file early) - that could catch us up and still have cash so I could make it to Loki's wedding.

Also, I'd be mostly alone with the Mouse for two weeks. Will I snap? I do have some people to turn to, however. Ryan and Jenn. Eleri's parents. All within an hour's drive. Also, the behavioral psychologist Mousie sees and our Caseworker for Disabiliy services. So I have some support. And who knows, maybe I'll have some time to work on some projects - flesh out Sinnish some more, play some Uru, read some books.

I think that may be the best option, this leave of absence. I will just need to cut down any spending to a minimum. I wish I'd known this earlier - I'd set aside money for the Gehenna WoD book and bought it this week. That's a few days of food right there...

Eleri did a Tarot reading earlier. It pretty much said that things are fucked up and they need to change.

I feel like there is nothing left of me. I am spent again, hollower than before. I am no longer even a resource worth being exploited. The things that were so important to me - spirituality, sexuality, magick, imagination - I just don't have the energy for anymore. All thge parts of myself that I have neglected - my gender issues, my bisexuality, my linguistic interests, my worldbuilding - they all cry out for air and desperately scramble for a last mote of life before they sufficate and die.

Something has got to change. I need rest. I need to allow myself to become who I am, as opposed to who I feel it is my responsibility to be, that which I feel circumstances require me to be.

I feel I must be a devoted father who always places even the barest possibility of his children's warefare above his own, a husband that must always sacrifice so that his wife and family will not have to, an employee who is always willing to take on the extra time to show he's worthy.

Am I the only one who feels these pressures so keenly?

I feel I have sold out the possibility of joy in my life because responsibility takes up all the room I have. And I am not getting much back except for the grim satisfaction that I am being destroyed by being what my stepfather told me I should be all these years. Sort of a fatalistic "I told you so."

I can be a father. I love my kids dearly. I can be a husband. I adore my wife. I can be a good employee - I generally like my job and like being useful. But it all seems to draw so much from me. Like I am unable to stop the energy from being drawn off of me by all of it. Like I leak lifeforce and am unable to heal myself because everything else deserves it more than I.

I constantly find myself apoloigising for who I am. I always apologize for being obsessed with sex. Especially now that I can't muster the energy to actually have much sex anymore. I apologize to people for talking about my obscure hobbies, I assume I must be boring them. I apologize for being needy - I don't trust that people will not hold my need against me unless I fall over myself to show them the depth of my gratitude or need.

A part of me realizes that the more I buy into these ideas, the worse my life will be. That I'll just continue the vicious cycle. But there is another part that fears the consequences of failing to uphold my duties.

*breathe*

I've spun off into ranting again. And once again, I find I have stayed up far later than is healthy for me, especially since I need to be at work tomorrow. I have to figure out how to ask for a leave of absence for my health, but not for two weeks. And how to hold on until then.

I don't like facing the morning anymore.

Comments

outlets

[draerendi.livejournal.com]

You can tell me to mind my own business...I have been there and as a single parent with two kids, two jobs and little money. You will get through this. I had to direct the anger else where. At the time I used to beat up my neighbors trash cans *wry grin* Metal ones were the norm then. Since you can not do that these days the anger has to go some where. Are you into marshal arts? A work out would keep it from over loading but in the end I think yes you could use down time. I also killed a punching bag. Dance ...Whatever will make you sweat the excess. Mentally make the target. Then set out to destroy it that way. It is not so easy as all of that I know but it helps. The rest is time. Talking here can help or off loading on to someone who will let you vent. Good luck. My kids survived to adulthood. :)

Re: outlets

[vaxjedi]

Im bad about letting out anger. My father was full of rage and it led him to some very dark places. Anger is an emotion I just don't handle well and I tend to avoid it at all costs. but some outlets may be the best way to deal with it.

Re: outlets

[draerendi.livejournal.com]

*soft smile* I was full of rage. The smallest thing would set me off on a tangent. Growing up I used to pick fights with guys that were twice my size. I got past it by accepting that part of me and counter balancing it. Don't get me wrong I am a control freak when it comes to me. Again outlets act as a release *grin* I think of it as a pot on the stove sometimes it gets too full. I empty it a little at a time so the contents do not over run the pan. I have found that as I do this more and more then there is less to worry about. Sides it couldn't hurt. My kids think I have some pretty strange hobbies for a woman my age.

[odanu.livejournal.com]

Raising a child with disabilities has to be hugely tiring, no matter how wonderful and loveable she is. You deserve a break, and, I hope, will come through your leave of absence with some renewed energy and strength. I'm pulling for you, and I'm sure you have many other friends, both in RL and in cyberspace, that are also pulling for you. Hang in there.

[xiombarg.livejournal.com]

*hug*

The key here, man, is to not be afraid to reach out. When you need help, don't guilt yourself into not reaching for it. Reach out to people, there and elsewhere, and they will help you. And there's nothing wrong with that, at all.

[vaxjedi]

I know. I know it is what I need to do.

But I'm tired of always being the one who needs help, always the one who is drowning. Maybe someday.

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

You've got more on your plate than any one human being can do. You need the help because you've been willing to take on a huge task. It speaks volumes of your goodness that you're looking for ways to make it work - and not how to get out.

[arib.livejournal.com]

Eleri says that the fact I worry about it and consider it and try to prevent it means that I'm less likely to have it actually happen.

Fairly true, from my way of looking at it.

Anger happens. It's an emotion like any other, albeit with darker overtones than some. It's good that you recognize that it's there, and it's good that you know what the triggers are. It's important that you try and find some sort of outlet for it, though. Gaming can work, but I'd suggest something physical if you can manage it.

I got into an argument with my folks when I was 18, and completely blew up at them before realizing I needed to blow off some steam and went for a walk. I went from my door to the John Hancock tower (The tallest bulding in Massachusetts, in the middle of downtown, roughly six miles from my door as the crow flies, more by road) and back again. It was time consuming, but effective.

I'm not sure how much help I can be, other than as an ear, but feel free to get in touch with me if you need anything.

[bloodlikerain.livejournal.com]

But it all seems to draw so much from me. Like I am unable to stop the energy from being drawn off of me by all of it. Like I leak lifeforce and am unable to heal myself because everything else deserves it more than I.

I understand that feeling so well hon. Often I've sat somewhere trying to somehow mentally pull the energy back in that I can feel myself losing.

*hugs* you'll be ok honey.

via negativa

[quility.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine has talked to me about something she was studying having to do with the different sides/ways of spiritual growth. There are four paths: via positiva, via creativa, via transformativa, and via negativa.

When she talked about the via negativa I said all the right things about not being afraid of this side of myself - and how I knew that the nagativa was just as important as the other parts, blah blah blah... - but truth be told I hardly allow myself to look at the negativa. And her point was that the negativa is an essential part of who we are. I'm sure I'm simplifying and missing a lot of what she meant - but I don't think the answer is to deny the negative - in spiritual growth or in other aspects of life.
you have a capacity to rage.
maybe that makes you a better person.
there certainly are things in this world that deserve rage. is it right to feel rage for what your child is going through? is it right to feel rage for what you are going through? maybe it is. maybe it's necessary.
and if so - it's not a question of whether you will express that rage or not - but how you will express it.

I've been encouraged to hit pillows etc in the past... but I never could. primal scream perhaps? burning symbols of what bothers you?

I agree with draerendi and others about outlets - a safe space to release could work wonders.

[hopeevey.livejournal.com]

I come from an abusive family. I have the same anger problems that led my Dad to physically abuse me and my siblings. It's a very hard problem to deal with even when there's no provocations and I'm well rested and well taken care of.

Eleri is right. Recognizing that I have the potential to abuse will never be pleasant - but it is necesary. I have to recognize the potential to have any hope of keeping it from happening.

[rhiawolf.livejournal.com]

I feel intense claustrophobia just trying to imagine myself in your shoes. *hug*

Do you guys go to counseling at all? Like Temple house or something else affordable? Raising a disabled child is some seriously difficult stuff. My mom worked for about 9 years in a grade school for disabled children when we lived in L.A. She often worked with kids a lot like Mousie on many levels, though usually a few years older. She's a conservative Mormon, but she's very nice and very smart. I could put you in touch with her for advice, if you think that might help.

Are there any local support groups?


As for your anger, I think you're messing with your own head to fear yourself so deeply and to worry about turning out like your father. Your reaction to being hit, repeatedly, is perfectly natural. Everyone gets mad at their kids sometimes. You're more apt to lose control if you continue to fear and guilt-trip yourself. It's 100% ok to be angry, even rageful. It's 100% ok in your position to have thoughts contrary to "American Family Values". It's ok to feel anything you're feeling!!!

As long as you don't actually hit her, you can think and feel anything you want, and it doesn't mean anything except that you're facing some hard times. No Shit. I wouldn't trade places with you for anything, and I really admire your dedication and responsibility. You're a deeply good, even heroic person to be sticking around, and so is Eleri. I grew up with my mom's constant tales of how ridiculously few disabled children are _not_ abandoned by at least one parent, and by how frighteningly many are abandoned by both!


Take care of yourself. The better care you take of yourself, the better you'll be able to face your job, and the more you'll be able to give to your daughter. There is no more generous act than to have the courage and discipline to take regular (even if brief) time and space to care for your own needs. It multiplies your ability to give exponentially.



And for all the gods' sakes, stop talking shit about yourself. You rock. I meant it when I said you were a hero. Not everyone can do what you're doing. Now take 9 deep breaths and say this out loud, with feeling: "I'm a hero. I'm a good dad. I can do this."

(I know, it's cheesy, but hearing my own voice saying positive things really does help me, especially if I can manage to "get into character" where I actually mean it, even if only for a second)


May the universe shower you and Eleri both with strength and help from all sides.

Love,

Rhia

[kyril.livejournal.com]

++I feel I must be a devoted father who always places even the barest possibility of his children's warefare above his own, a husband that must always sacrifice so that his wife and family will not have to, an employee who is always willing to take on the extra time to show he's worthy.++

One of the things I remember from the pre-marriage counseling/class we took at my old church was that your spousal relationship really does have priority. If you can't hold yourself and Eleri together, how can you have anything left to cope with any children's needs? And if you spend all your energy on your children, job, etc., your marriage wastes away and stops giving you the support you need.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Make sure you take care of yourself-and-Eleri.

And if you're not actually getting recognized for going the extra mile at work, talk to your boss about the situation, esp. as you're stretched to/past your limits dealing with a special-needs child and don't always have the time or energy to stay after and do extra stuff. Double especially if staying extra doesn't pay.


++A part of me realizes that the more I buy into these ideas, the worse my life will be. That I'll just continue the vicious cycle. But there is another part that fears the consequences of failing to uphold my duties.++

Remember, they're not all your needs. A lot of "your" needs are really your daughter's, or are caused by you not having enough left after caring for your daughter's needs. Don't be ashamed to ask for more help for her--especially if you can get folks to agree to help on a regular basis--than you would need if you continued to spend your very last bit of energy before asking anyone for anything. You deserve to have time and energy left over for yourself, no matter how great the outside demands on you may be; it's just a matter of making that happen.


Oh, and don't worry about thinking a lot about sex, or about wanting way more of it than any amateur could possibly physically manage. It happens to the best of us. ;-)