Dark Times

[vaxjedi]

I've been having a hard week. The question about whether the combined stress from work and home will cause me to snap has changed from an 'if' to a 'when'. I can feel myself slipping. I can feel myself giving up. Dark thoughts pass through my brain, and I'm not yet about to voice them.

I can talk about their existance on here because LJ is more impersonal than actual conversation - I'm talking to an audience, not a person. But

I feel myself succumbing to that darkness, with thoughts like "As long as my daughter is alive, there will be no freedom, no respite, no hope." And I know that's probably the ugliest statement I've ever made in my life so far.

I can feel my anger animating my body, becoming, for the first time in my life, a primary motivator of my actions. Mousie is often very physical. I get hit by her every day, and at least once a week it's enough to ring my ears. It's definitely demoralizing to be repeatedly beat up by your own toddler. And I've found that when I really get hit hard (which hasn't happened much in my life, honestly), my reaction is anger and to strike back. I'm finding my fist clenched right after Mousie hits me lately. And I've begun to worry - when will the fist go from clenching to striking? When will it get the better of me and I do something truly reprehensible?

Eleri says that the fact I worry about it and consider it and try to prevent it means that I'm less likely to have it actually happen. I hope she's right. But I am my father's son - did I inherit the potential for his rage?

I didn't go into work today (well, yesterday by now). Mousie didn't sleep until very late last night and I was already a mess from the night before - we went out for dinner and Mousie had a meltdown.

Now I know that in the annuals of Mousie history it was a minor meltdown. And it wasn't random - she wanted to go play around the video games in the restaurant. But it hit me all wrong. She'd been so calm taht day. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could have a normal dinner. When she headbutted me was when I broke. There was a moment of pure anger that I'd never felt before. I got under control quickly. But I was shaken.

I cried so many times that night. I talked to an old gf of mine who I still love deeply. She lives far away and I've not seen her for years. And I was desperate to hear that she still loved me, that she still thought I was interesting, that I was still worthy of her love. But I kept myself under control. I couldn't stop apologizing to Eleri for everything, for evey moment of weakness, for every flicker of fatigue, pain or annoyance I saw or imagined in her face.

I was going to do dishes that night, but I couldn't bear to. It panicked me. And then Mousie didn't sleep. I couldn't bear work either.

I couldn't bear the feeling of being constantly behind. The feeling of my efficiency and usefulness slipping as I wore thinner and spent more time doing administrivia as opposed to working on technical issues. The stress of not knowing what was expected of me or what my job may or may not be tomorrow. The helplessness of simply having to accept that I have no say in my fate at work, but I must press on.

I told my manager that the stress is too much, something has to give. I told her I was considering asking for a demotion. However, it would be a drop in pay too, putting us to where we would not be able to pay our bills. Also, I'm not confident that my duties would change, I'd jsut have less authority to perform them. And it might ruin my ability to ever advance there (or get to my previous level) if things do get better.

Eleri suggested a leave of absence. Take a few weeks off work. Maybe that will get me away enough to collect myself and heal a bit. Also, Eleri's sister is pregnant and due to pop next month. Eleri needs to be with her sister to help her through the process, which means we need to find someone to watch Mousie. I could do that while away from work. That would give me a break from work, Eleri a break from Mousie and Eleri a chance to use her skills.

The downsides (assuming work goes for it) - I'd miss an entire paycheck. That's half of my monthly salary gone. I could ask for emergency deferrals for some of my bills - I did it once for my car payment. Plus we'll be getting our tax return at the end of Feb (we always file early) - that could catch us up and still have cash so I could make it to Loki's wedding.

Also, I'd be mostly alone with the Mouse for two weeks. Will I snap? I do have some people to turn to, however. Ryan and Jenn. Eleri's parents. All within an hour's drive. Also, the behavioral psychologist Mousie sees and our Caseworker for Disabiliy services. So I have some support. And who knows, maybe I'll have some time to work on some projects - flesh out Sinnish some more, play some Uru, read some books.

I think that may be the best option, this leave of absence. I will just need to cut down any spending to a minimum. I wish I'd known this earlier - I'd set aside money for the Gehenna WoD book and bought it this week. That's a few days of food right there...

Eleri did a Tarot reading earlier. It pretty much said that things are fucked up and they need to change.

I feel like there is nothing left of me. I am spent again, hollower than before. I am no longer even a resource worth being exploited. The things that were so important to me - spirituality, sexuality, magick, imagination - I just don't have the energy for anymore. All thge parts of myself that I have neglected - my gender issues, my bisexuality, my linguistic interests, my worldbuilding - they all cry out for air and desperately scramble for a last mote of life before they sufficate and die.

Something has got to change. I need rest. I need to allow myself to become who I am, as opposed to who I feel it is my responsibility to be, that which I feel circumstances require me to be.

I feel I must be a devoted father who always places even the barest possibility of his children's warefare above his own, a husband that must always sacrifice so that his wife and family will not have to, an employee who is always willing to take on the extra time to show he's worthy.

Am I the only one who feels these pressures so keenly?

I feel I have sold out the possibility of joy in my life because responsibility takes up all the room I have. And I am not getting much back except for the grim satisfaction that I am being destroyed by being what my stepfather told me I should be all these years. Sort of a fatalistic "I told you so."

I can be a father. I love my kids dearly. I can be a husband. I adore my wife. I can be a good employee - I generally like my job and like being useful. But it all seems to draw so much from me. Like I am unable to stop the energy from being drawn off of me by all of it. Like I leak lifeforce and am unable to heal myself because everything else deserves it more than I.

I constantly find myself apoloigising for who I am. I always apologize for being obsessed with sex. Especially now that I can't muster the energy to actually have much sex anymore. I apologize to people for talking about my obscure hobbies, I assume I must be boring them. I apologize for being needy - I don't trust that people will not hold my need against me unless I fall over myself to show them the depth of my gratitude or need.

A part of me realizes that the more I buy into these ideas, the worse my life will be. That I'll just continue the vicious cycle. But there is another part that fears the consequences of failing to uphold my duties.

*breathe*

I've spun off into ranting again. And once again, I find I have stayed up far later than is healthy for me, especially since I need to be at work tomorrow. I have to figure out how to ask for a leave of absence for my health, but not for two weeks. And how to hold on until then.

I don't like facing the morning anymore.

Comments

Re: outlets

[draerendi.livejournal.com]

*soft smile* I was full of rage. The smallest thing would set me off on a tangent. Growing up I used to pick fights with guys that were twice my size. I got past it by accepting that part of me and counter balancing it. Don't get me wrong I am a control freak when it comes to me. Again outlets act as a release *grin* I think of it as a pot on the stove sometimes it gets too full. I empty it a little at a time so the contents do not over run the pan. I have found that as I do this more and more then there is less to worry about. Sides it couldn't hurt. My kids think I have some pretty strange hobbies for a woman my age.